parent involvment in middle school/ H.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
parent involvment in middle school/ H.S.
17
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:35pm

My dd age 14 seems to think I'm way too involved in her school work. For the past year I have been relying on her to do her work and keep up her grades. She is a very good student (Honors classes and Honor Roll); however, her grades strongly reflect the amount of work she puts into a class. When she studies, she does outstanding! But when she does not study, it most definitely shows. Last week I took a peak into the backpack. I told her I was doing it. I found 2 Ds in English. Both on vocab quizzes. Obviously she did not prepare for either quiz, so she earned them through her own right. We had the customary "prepare and study" talk. We reviewed her assignments for the upcoming week. (This is very easy because ALL her assignments are posted on the internet) And we agreed she would bring home all the work needed to study for the THREE tests that were coming up. I respected her wish to stay home all weekend and not "hang out with the family" and do "stuff." She watched T.V. Here it is Monday and the battle has begun. I'm upset with her not getting her work done and she is upset with me because I'm "the only parent who interferes with her daughter's school work," and I should just leave her alone and let her do it herself. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Should I let her do it herself and just bug off?

DD is a great girl. We have rules in the house...no T.V. on school days...no computer on school days except for homework etc and she follows them. She has good friends, she doesn't have a boyfriend to preoccupy her. However, she just can't seem to get these study habits down and she is always telling me to keep my nose out of her school work.

How much involvement should I have with an 8th grader?

Should I punish her for this behavior since we did talk about being prepared just a few days ago? What is the right punishment. I can't take away the T.V. or the computer.

Or should I just count my blessing.......

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:52pm

"Yes, it's theirs, and ultimately, they are responsible for it. But, you are not "the only parent who interferes with her daughter's school work." I think to back out and not do anything shows a lack of concern....I keep tabs on my kids, where they are, what they are doing, who they are doing that with and if they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. That includes schoolwork."

There is a big difference between being 'aware' and keeping 'tabs' on what your teen is doing in her classes, how she is keeping up and what her grade is at any given point as opposed to constantly being in there making decisions and pushing them to do what's required rather than allowing them the opportunity manage thier own time and *possibly* fail...or even possibly succeed on thier own. Perhaps they will fail a little at first, suffer some consequence, and then get on board and succeed.

At what point do you finally let go and allow them the opportunity to do it on thier own? At what point are they finally doing it the way you see fit enough to give them the opportunity to do it (whatever *it* is) on thier own terms? There is no magical age; there is no guarantee that at age 18 he/she will suddenly be more responsible and adept at managing her own schedule or list of responsibilities.

IMO, being involved daily in thier hw schedule, poring over books and assignments with them is most definitely what the experts call 'helicopter parenting' - a term I detest. In the case of my dd, like many other parents here, such as Pam with her son, it's been necessary for me to have a more hands on approach due to her major difficulties regarding organizing her work, or managing long term projects. With this dd, I have allowed her to try and manage on her own, but it hasn't been until this past school year that she is finally able to see the direct consequences of her previous inaction in regards to her school work. She would do well with a lot of hand holding and then once we let her try it on her own, she'd lose interest and eventually come close to failing, or in some cases, actually fail. Last summer, she had to go to summer school. So this year she's making an extreme effort to avoid that again. She hated summer school and she hated having to sit with a tutor for lunch all year, so she's finally gotten with the program, her HW is a priority and as a result she is passing all her classes. And she willingly goes to tutoring when she is unsure about something. That's due in part to maturity and in part to learning from her mistakes. If I consistently held her hand all this time, she'd pass her classes, but never learn to do it on her own.

Also, what has helped is being in contact with her teachers. I have a 2-week diary in which her school advisor sends me an update. It works and in the meantime, she's developing skills necessary to succeed on her own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:13pm
Schedule her school work. Let her tell you when she's going to do it and stick to it. What else does she have to do that's more important? She must be wasting time somehow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:02pm

Here, a student 18+ has to sign a permission sheet to allow his/her parents to see his/her marks or talk to a teacher. An 18-year-old is assumed to be an adult.

It depends on a student's age. In middle school, I would and did monitor the homework. In highschool, no. Both of my kids know that entrance to university here depends solely on Grade 11 & 12 marks. If they want to go to university, they have to have the marks. It is as simple as that. I only get involve if they ask for help understanding something which they still do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:21pm

It's the same here, 18 y/o students have to give permission in order for their parents to see their grades, talk to their teachers, and really have any contact with the school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 8:10am

My middle son is a high school senior. DS2 carried virtual straight As through 9th grade and then things went down from there. We tried bribery and punishment to no avail. He did NOT get into his first choice college and was down for several weeks but moved on(no "gee, mom, you WERE right!")

Part of me is discouraged at how reward/punishment simply did NOT work but the other part knows it would have driven me crazy not to at least try

I agree that there is no one right answer or magic formula; it has to fit your kid and your own parental personality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:55pm
HUGS!! I'll say it for you...You we're right Mom!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:28pm

I personally try not to interfere with my children's school work. Well let me restate that. I give them space, but I do check their grades online every one to two weeks. I check spontaneously, and if they are slipping then we have a discussion. My oldest, was never a problem with her school work. She worked hard, was third in her class, and got accepted to her top choices. My other daughter struggles here and there in some subjects, but now she has a tutor and is doing well. My son needs some extra pushing. He is very intelligent, but does not like doing busy work at all and his thoughts of busy work is pretty much all homework. He does superior on tests, but does not feel like he has to do assignments. I think it is a personal thing, but if you see your daughter struggling then you should definately offer support. It would be bad if she fell far behind and couldn't make it up.

Sienna

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