Parties and "Knowing" the Parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Parties and "Knowing" the Parents
7
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:19pm

It has been said alot here that teens shouldn't be allowed to go to a party if you don't know the parents. I'd like to give you another side of that coin....we moved to a new area when oldest ds was in 7th grade. He still keeps in touch with one of his friends from 3rd grade, and of course I know those parents very well (remember those day?). But since then, its been VERY hard to "know" the parents. I maintain that unless you've been in an area for a while, you can't expect to let your kids go only to parties where you know the parents.
DD has now been invited to a large birthday party by a popular girl at the middle school where this is her first year. DD has had such a rough time, and has spent this year making alot of new friends. Of course I don't know the parents - dd just met this girl this year at the school. But as long as dd has her work for this week completed (I get a list of missing assignments every Friday) I'm going to allow her to go to this party. My now 16 yo ds has so many different groups of friends that it would be impossible for me to know all the parents - and he meets all these kids through school and at the skate park, etc. Its not like its through organized sports activities where you naturally meet the parents.

Just wanted to give you another side...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:40pm

You can't always KNOW the parents but you can call and talk to them, be interested in their boundaries for their kids.. and they should be in yours. If you call and get a good feeling that they are on the same parental page as you, great. If its someone who lets their daughter start a boy/girl pool party 3 hours before they get home from work, would you let your kids go? I wouldn't (this actually happened) , and when ss found out parents were going to be that late he told girl he couldnt come w/o even asking. BECAUSE we talk to parents.

we moved to our area three years ago, and I understand what you are saying , but you try your best, and if it feels wrong it probably is. k-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:55pm
I know it definitely gets harder as the kids get older.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2000
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 2:01pm

I make it a point to at least call the parents where the party will be. My DD hates this. I have been called by other parents, when my DD invites kids over, so I know I am not the only one who does this.

I have to say, though, that knowing the parents does not guarentee a safe environment. During middle school, DD's class was invited over to a classmate's house on many occasions. We knew the mother and trusted her judgement. I thought she was a pillar of the community. However, I found out later, that the mother intentionally did not supervise because she didn't want to interfere with the kid's fun. Also, at the last party we let our DD attend there, the mother's boyfriend, verbally (and actually physically) assulted some of the kids. (He was a complete nutcase), the mother did not protect our kids. Even though the BF is now out of the picture, DD is still not allowed at their house or in their vehicles.

I learned a hard lesson about "knowing" parents. But I still feel I have done my job if I at least make a phone call.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 2:13pm

I agree completely. You can't always 'know' the parents. But, you can go with your 'mom' or 'dad' radar and get a good feel of what the parents are like.

I worry that the opposite will hold true with me. We've struggled a bit in our marriage with finances, and our home needs alot of work, so right now, it looks pretty shabby ( a front porch--more like a deck in in desperate need of repair, it needs paint or siding, and a new flower box....the one we have is very dilapidated). I worry that people may think 'less' of us for whatever their perceived reasons are for us letting things go......that we don't care? That' we're irresponsible? That because we don't live in a big fancy 'new' manicured home that somehow we are unworthy? My son's best friends are from extremely prominent and wealthy families. Not without their share of major drama in their lives (in the case of one), but by outward appearances, they are the 'right' kind of people.......and here we are in our little, well worn home, with two kids we adore and try SO HARD to protect........and I often worry if people just make a judgement and dont take the time to KNOW how we act and react w/ our kids. I don't put on airs at games and pretend that my family lives in a 'perfect' bubble. We are who we are, and we are an extremely loving, caring family. I don't hide my kids flaws, and I don't try to make it seem as if they are perfect.

I remember one day at a game, one boy was at the free throw line......he missed BOTH shots. This family has 3 boys........the first 2 being star athletes........and I heard the mother a few people over from me say out loud......"oh, if he doesn't have his contacts in...." as if maybe it wasn't his fault that he missed the shots......that there MUST be some outward reason that he didn't make it........to me that is just a load of bull........maybe he just missed. plain and simple.

I don't know, I have major insecurities----about being accepted and fitting in. Sometimes I don't fit in, and although I don't want to be like those plastic people, it still somehow hurts my feelings to be judged.

So, get to know the people by phone or in passing. Listen to how they parent and what their concerns are about their kids and other kids in their home. Then you can say you've 'met' the family and feel comfortable.

Good luck,
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:50pm

I agree with you to a certain extent. I live in NYC and my DD goes to a high school with kids from all over the city. I feel very disconnected from the school and from the other parents. One time last year when DD was invited to a party, I called the mom beforehand. She (the other mom) laughed at first, but then agreed it was nice to at least talk. At pickup I made a point of going in and saying 'hi' to the parents. My DD is resigned to that lol. As a matter of fact, she went to another friend's for a sleepover, and said "Mom, park the car so you can come in and meet S's parents" ;)

I agree you can't always know - and I guess when we can't or don't know the family we have to teach our kids about our limits, and check in that things went as you would want them to.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 10:01am
I grew up in a strict household. My mom always called the parents, and I was rarely allowed to go to parties. There were however always those parents who would talk to my mom and blatantly lie for me, and lets face it if a teen wants to do something and KNOWS your going to say no, theres always the chance they will sneak or find another way.
I know some of my sons (almost 14) friends parents, but mostly I know the kids.
Its easy to tell which kids are "straight" and which are experimenting and maybe doing stuff they shouldnt. I try to talk a lot with my son, and to be nonjudgemental. By doing this I have been able to have a relationship with him where he tells me which kids are doing drugs, getting into trouble etc. and MORE importantly WHY they are. Last year his best friend of 6 years got involved with pot, that was a hard situation, but talking it through was the ONLY option. When he DOES tell me, it is HARD not to immediately tell him that he can't see these people anymore, but I don't. He will be confronted with these choices all his life. He needs to learn to make his OWN choices regardless. He knows the consequences if he is caught with people who are doing things they shouldnt and knows all about guilt by association. He has not disappointed me yet in this regard. Yes there are certain scenarios where my gut takes over and I say NO WAY. I try to explain my reasons to him and what makes me uncomfortable about it.
I can say, that had I been trusted more as a teenager, I would not have gotten myself into some of the situations I did. The forbidden is always craved more.
In a perfect world it WOULD be the community raising the children, unfortunately thats NOT the world I live in.
Sometimes I think all we can do is hope for the best.
Chaos

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 4:30pm

We have lived in this city for my kids' entire lives but since they have gone to different schools, most of them not in our immediate neighborhood, it has been very hard to "know the parents". I also noticed that after elementary school many parents seemed to be less interested in meeting the other parents.

I have called parents beforehand to make sure that they would be there and be supervising. Sometimes it went that way, sometimes it didn't. There was a party that dd was invited to "secondhand" that I knew the parents and thought it would be well supervised--the dad is an attorney and served on the PTA board with me. The "host" was celebrating his 15th birthday and when I heard that he was telling the guests (who ranged in age from 13 to 18) "anyone too drunk to drive home can spend the night" I didn't bother to call the parents, I just decided that dd was not attending that party! I later heard that the parents were present but seen only once the entire night, and that they had provided coolers of alcohol inside the house. Smoking of pot or cigarettes had to be done outside. I would never have guessed that an attorney would risk such a party in his home, the liability is huge and I imagine that he could get disbarred over something like that.

The mother of dd's best friend and I had talked and I *thought* that we were on the same page regarding supervision and appropriate activities. Later I learned that she goes to bed by 10pm and sleeps heavily, so when dd spent the night there they could easily sneak out etc and the mom never knew. She either trusted her dd to do what Mom had told me she would allow (fat chance knowing that girl!) or she was lying to me.

Long story short: knowing the parents, even talking to them beforehand doesn't necessarily solve the issue of adult supervision.