Please HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Please HELP
4
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:21pm
Hello again,
So if you have read any of my other posts you know that I have two step sons, one who is 13 and one who is almost 3. Don't get me wrong I love my step sons but some days I feel like I am ready to just give up on the 13 year old. He has no respect what so ever. He lies all the time and no matter what you do he just keeps doing it!! A good example is the fact that this past saturday he got in trouble because he decided to take my clean cloths out of the drier and through them on the floor, and then when I asked him why he did it he told me "I duuno" (typical female response). And when I came to the point of asking him to not do it again he said he would do whatever whatever he felt like so it would probably happen again. I lost it, I thought that it was so disrespectful, so I told him that anything he had planned for the weekend was no longer going to happen. Then it got into a heated discussion and his father and I ended up taking his phone away and grounded him for 1 month.
Then on monday I noticed that his phone was not where hsi dad had put it and I knew that he hadn't got permission to have his phone back, so first I asked my fiance if he had moved the phone. He told me that he had not touched the phone and from monday on we asked where the phone was. We gave him chance after chance to just bring the phone back and leave it alone on the fridge. He kept telling us that he did not know where his phone was and yet it was on and when we checked on line we saw that it was being used for text and phone calls. He then came up with a story that someone took his phone out of his locker, which he knows that he is not supposed to have his phone at school nor is it supposed to have his phone back yet!! Finally we got the tuth out of him and his response to why he did it was:
I wanted to get in trouble, I wanted to get grounded!!"
This kid is allowed to do a lot of things. we let him go to the mall when ever he asks and when he makes plans with friends we let him do whatever it was that they had planned. We play games with him all the time and are constantly joking around with him, so what is going on? Where on earth is all of this coming from? Someone please help me figure this out before I got nuts!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:21pm

I don't remember your earlier post, but this sounds like a very very sad boy. Can you talk to him about what he's sad and angry about, and what you and your DH can do to make him happier? It doesn't sound right for him to say "I wanted to be grounded" - what does that mean?

Also, I guess I would pick battles and make the punishment, if needed, match the "crime". If my DD dumped clothes out, I would expect her to pick them up. I would not, however, expect her to be happy about it, and she might mutter under her breath about how mad she is. But I don't respond to that muttering, that's just baiting me into a fight, and I don't like to fall for it. Grounding for one month seems pretty severe in the situation you describe.

I understand the events you describe occured in the context of lots of other bad behavior. But beware of over-punishing. Once punished, the child has nothing more to lose. If you DSS was already grounded for a month, taking his own phone back has little risk to it.

Family counseling might help all three of you find more productive ways to work things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:32pm
There was a lot more too the situation that my step son was grounded for one month, it was not just the clothes on the floor. It was just a long story to try and write out with everything else that I was trying to explain. We have talked to him about so many different things on so many different occassions that it seems like no matter what we do he feels that he should be allowed to do what ever he wants when ever he wants to do it, no matter what he has done prior to the situation. We don't neglect him, but we have two younger children that are almost 3 and we are potty training dealing with all the things that they need. The 13 year old step son is in the basement most of the time which we thought was normal because its his area and he likes to play his games on his ps3 and watch his own shows. We try to include him in everything we do but he never wants to do things. I'm at my wits end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 6:34am

I really feel that some sort of family counseling would help all of you.

Sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: just__alex
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:54am

Maybe in your DSD's mind, he feels the little kids are getting all the attn. and this is one way to have the attn. focused on him. It might not be that way objectively but teens are very self-centered at times.

My DSD (now 16) is much better this year but a couple of years ago, she was doing all kinds of things to get in trouble and I would just think to myself, well she knows her DF is going to throw a fit, why does she do these things? And again, it's not like this was the only time she got attn. I'm sure he would much rather be doing things w/ her, but whenever he asked her to go somewhere, she didn't want to go. She also spent a lot of time alone in her room watching TV or using the computer. I could never really understand it, but I felt that she was depressed and this was part of the cause of acting out.

There also might be some blended family issues going on here, for ex., you technically aren't even his stepmother, since you aren't married to his father, but are telling him what to do and he could resent it. I think the only way to figure it out is to have some counselling.