Please help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Please help?
7
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:45pm


Hi,

I thought this looked like a good place to get some help.

Just recently my husband's son has come back into our lives. He is 16 years old. We have not had any contact with him for 10 years, so we are virtually strangers. My husband and I feel very blessed that we have been given a second chance to get to know him.
My problem is--
We just don't know what to do with him......! He's sixteen and has a girlfriend and we just don't know how to become involved in his life.We have missed so much of it.

Added to our problem is the fact that we have two daughters and just don't know that much about teenage boys. What are they interested in? What kind of activities can we do with him that will be fun for him? We are just clueless-- We want so much to have a relationship with him. And I know it is up to us--as the adults --to get the ball rolling.

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated....

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: seagiggle
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:45pm

Video games and computer games. Sports-if he isnt into football/basketball he may still like soccer or hockey games.

Science fiction literature. Anime. Shows like FAmily Guy.

Pets. My college freshman bought an Oscar that eats live food and it is quite the hit of the dorm. A snake or lizard would likely be a hit(making your day, arent I?)

Movies-doing a marathon of the James Bond movies all available now

Amusement parks. Indoor water parks(especially with the GF in tow)

Overnight ski trip even if no one can ski

A trip to a beach(did I mention the GF?)

Paintball

Cars-maybe one of the car shows that are going around or working on one

Hiking Camping

It is very hard to compete with the GF so dont read too much into that should it happen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
In reply to: seagiggle
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 11:18pm

Thank you,

great suggestions...

We always make sure to include the GF in everything. I think he is more comfortable when she is around. She is a great buffer. Plus she is really sweet, and I find it easier to talk to her (being a female).

My husband especially, is at a complete loss... it is sometimes really painful to watch him struggling to connect with his son.. and most of the time it falls to me to fill the gaps in the conversation....

but, all I can do is keep trying and supporting him through it.

thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
In reply to: seagiggle
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:58am

Guys seem to connect better when they are involved with something while bonding. If your Stepson likes bowling, fishing, etc.. your husband could have a great time with him in activities. If they both like football plan a fun pizza party around the big game and step back.

I am the proud stepmom of 2 boys, and the proud mom of 3 bio boys. I found with my Stepsons much to my surprise that they really liked to shop. I bonded with them at the mall! I also used to sell on Ebay and we had a lot of fun going to garage sales looking for bargains.

Common sense of humor, interests & movies go a long way too.

I have learned more from my boys playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker (Just chips no cash!) eating popcorn than I would if I tried to "talk" to them.

I have not done everything right, and I am far from an expert on this subject.

Listen to your husband and stepson & have paitence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: seagiggle
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:52am
So true-someone once phrased it as men never quite getting past parallel play!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: seagiggle
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:07pm

I too only have girls but I work with the sr high guys at church so I'm starting to figure them out a little. I have three guys that are athletes - they enjoy playing sports and going to games with their families. I have two guys that are nerds. One of them enjoys going to games with his family. The other doesn't. They both like to travel and go to malls in other towns - to play the video games. They all like to camp but the nerds take their video games, iPods, etc with them. We manage to usually draw them into card games (Texas Hold 'Em and Phase 10 are the popular card games at the moment).

I would be sure to invite his g/f on any day or short activities. He will feel more comfortable if she is with him. And to begin with I would probably keep most trips or family activities to short ones so that he can still have some time to hang out with his friends (if he has any in your town). You definitely don't want him to feel like you are keeping him from his friends.

Last summer I went on a trip with the youth group. The kids were fighting something awful so I took the girls aside and talked with them - that was comfortable for me. The next night the boys started up so I took them aside and just told them I don't have boys so I really don't know what to do here. I asked them if they knew what the problem was and what can we do to fix it. I was very impressed with them. They actually talked a little (not quite like the girls) and the problem was that the girls were flirting with them and they were feeling competitive over it. So we started having a guys night out and a girls night out. My point is you may simply want to ask him what he would like to do. Lay it on the line - we are thrilled to have you but it is awkward for us and probably you too. What do you want to do? Are their any special traditions you have or would like to have? These are ours and we want to include you in them.

I wish you luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: seagiggle
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 1:28pm
Windrush54 just exactly described my 15yo son. She totally nailed it. Including GF. Parallel play is so brilliant that someone here said it, it about deserves an award. That succinctly describes the teen male experience! The afterschool special thing where you see parents and male

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
In reply to: seagiggle
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:13am

I have a 14 year old step son too. We have a great relationship (when I'm not yelling at him about curfew! :) )

My advice is, keep it light. Definately do something active while bonding. Go on family walks or one on one walks. Father and son should spend some alone time doing something where they don't have to look at each other. Hiking is a good one. Looking teenage boys in the eye seems to put up walls. They are at that age trying to be 'men' and apparently that means putting the whole world at arms length. ;) Seriously though, keep them laughing and OH! If he's really interested in computer games or something ask him all about it. Ask for his help in something that he is an 'expert' in. He'll feel useful and more apart of things.

It sounds like you guys have the start of a great relationship.

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