please help - bff drops daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
please help - bff drops daughter
14
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:25am
my daughter (11) has this bff since 1st grade.....they are now in 6th...all of a sudden she has become mean to my daughter, ignoring her, whispering about her etc. She is constantly leaving my daughter out because it seems my daughter is not "cool" enough to be in the "in" crowd, which she is slowing going into...i know things change in the pre-teen years, but i dont know what to do with my daughter...she is extremely shy and the school is very small...there are really no other girls to turn to...it is also extremely hard for me cause this girl's mom and i are very close friends...so i feel that anytime my daughter is invited over, which is very rare and only if someone else goes to, it's a sympathy play date, cause the mom makes her...i dont know what to do...it makes me very sad to watch my daughter get ignored and stepped all over....she is such a sweet girl...any one in this predicament? i dont know if i can last another 6 years in this school........thanx for any advice anyone can give

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:09am
I only have boys and from what I understand the preteen 'cattiness' isn't nearly as bad as it is with girls.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:16am

Grr - I was sure I replied to this post already..


I only have boys and I know the preteen cattiness is much worse among girls.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:01pm

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. We moved to our small town when my daughter was 3 years old. Her babysitter at that time became my best friend - she also had a daughter the same age who became BFF's with my daughter. Over the years they were very close but up until now, Grade 8, they are starting to drift apart - not of my daughter's doing but more C's (I'll call her). Middle school is where they all seem to be looking for their niche. C is more into being "cool" and hanging out with the "cool" kids. My DD doesnt care about that kind of stuff but I know it bugs her that C doesnt want to hang out with her as much anymore. DD has managed to find other friends but it took awhile. Her and C still play soccer together and once in awhile do stuff but its not as frequent and they definitely are not as close as they once were.

Her mom and I arent as close either which has been very hard for me. I was there for her when she separated from her husband and we were each other's shoulders thru a lot of bad times. My DH and I are not close, not a marriage more like roommates, so her and I did everything together. Now that our daugthers arent together as much AND she found a new man (a very nice guy and I am happy for her) we dont socialize much anymore. I miss her terribly, kind of like losing a limb, but unfortunately things like this tend to happen. I am now trying to find my own way now and I'm really in a funk (but thats another post!). We havent discussed the girls' change in direction much other than we both agree that kids change and so do their friends.

Dont worry, I know its hard, BUT your daughter WILL find her place. As the other post said, encourage her to join new clubs or sports - that will definitely help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:02pm

Has anyone ever been in this predicament? Probably just about everyone who has a daughter older than 6th or 7th grade! Girls are downright vicious between the 6th and 9th grades, can say and do some of the cruelest things to each other. The good news is, that somewhere between the 8th and 10th grade, most of this goes to the wayside as other things take up their energy. Oh yes, there are always still girls who are just downright mean girls - some of them never outgrow it. In my social circle of 30-50 y/os we call them cold-hearted b*tches.

Don't have any advice, I guess just support her and be there for her, and pray this passes sooner rather than later.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:24pm

When DS17 was in 6th grade he lost his best friend who played all sports, while DS played just soccer. Then another good friend moved away in 8th grade. Like your daughter, DS is shy and he would never call other friends to do stuff, but just sat home waiting when he wasn't busy with soccer. He didn't really seem unhappy, but he'd jump up and be out the door in a flash if one of his friends called him. At that age I didn't feel I should be arranging playdates, but it was very hard to watch. I am fortunate there was none of the female catiness to go along with the loneliness he experienced.

Wish I could offer some advice, but a shoulder to cry on is all I've got.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:24am

I totally agree. The shift in friendships does move towards those kids with similar interests. This is a good time for your dd to get involved. Join the basketball team, drama club, art club, school newspaper etc.. This will give her lots of opportunities to find herself as well as a few new friends.

I don't have a dd, but I do have a son. Connor is 13 and in the 8th grade right now. I can tell you right off that his best friends in Elementary school are not the type of kids he chooses to hang out with today. They are nothing like him, don't share the same values, don't have the same goals in terms of education etc.. We too went through a transition year where he didn't really have anyone to hang with.. then he got involved and made some new friends with similar intersts. It will happen for your dd as well. You just have to encourage her to get involved. Contact the guidance counselor and see if they can provide you with a list of groups, clubs and activities that she can get involved in.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 8:03pm
i agree with some of the advice about my dd getting involved in activities...but she already plays basketball, lacrosse, takes dance lessons, field hockey, violin...she joins after school clubs...its just the same girls are in all of these things and when this supposedly bff if there.....she treats my daughter like crap...just to show she's "cool" and wants to be with them....it just makes me very upset that my dd sits there and lets it happen....i know there is no magic that is going to make her stand up for herself...i just wish just one girl would see her and like her for the sweet girl that she is...i guess i am just tired of crying myself to sleep at night for her....this board seems to be helping a bit...i can just let some of my feelings out...without her knowing how sad i am...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:12am
That's a tough situtation. I guess what I'd do is explain how some girls are just plain mean, and remind her that she never wants to treat someone else the way she is being treated by this girl. Make sure your dd knows that she is just fine, that SHE is the one who is right, and that it's the other girl who has the problem. And someday that mean girl will have no friends, and your dd will be the popular one because she treats everyone with respect. It may take a while for dd to see that day, but we all know it will come.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:00pm

I'm usually just a lurker, my DD is only 12, but she went through a similar thing last year. A group of girls she used to hang out with suddenly started hanging out with the more popular girls. They would just leave her out of plans and whisper in front of her and tell their private little jokes and laugh in front of her. She eventually just started hanging out with some other girls. She is also kind of shy and doesn't really speak up. I think some of the issues she had would have worked out if she would have just spoken up. (we're still working on that! LOL)

Anyway, a funny thing happened this year. A few of those girls have "dropped" out of the popular gang and are good friends with DD again this year. They were sick of all the stuff that seems to go along with hanging with that group (I know that is the reason because the mom of one of them told me!). DD is much happier this year.

I guess what I'm saying is hang in there. Things will probably change. I know I was stressed a lot last year because of the stuff my daughter would tell me. I actually think it was harder on ME than on her....

Karin

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:12pm
Hey Karin - isn't it only about 4 more months before you have an official teen in the house - I seem to remember her birthday is in the summer like Jason's.
Pam

Pages