please help - bff drops daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
please help - bff drops daughter
14
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:25am
my daughter (11) has this bff since 1st grade.....they are now in 6th...all of a sudden she has become mean to my daughter, ignoring her, whispering about her etc. She is constantly leaving my daughter out because it seems my daughter is not "cool" enough to be in the "in" crowd, which she is slowing going into...i know things change in the pre-teen years, but i dont know what to do with my daughter...she is extremely shy and the school is very small...there are really no other girls to turn to...it is also extremely hard for me cause this girl's mom and i are very close friends...so i feel that anytime my daughter is invited over, which is very rare and only if someone else goes to, it's a sympathy play date, cause the mom makes her...i dont know what to do...it makes me very sad to watch my daughter get ignored and stepped all over....she is such a sweet girl...any one in this predicament? i dont know if i can last another 6 years in this school........thanx for any advice anyone can give

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:20pm

I have never read this book myself, but there is a book called "Queen Bees and Wanna-bes" or something like that, which explains the mean behavior that a lot of girls have. Maybe it also explains how to deal w/ it.

My DD had a similar problem in 9th grade. She had a big group of friends, mostly through track, then she had an argument w/ one girl who was her BF. They both have pretty strong personalities, so I can just imageine what was said. Well, the worst part was that the BF got all the other girls in the group to gang up on my DD, or at least when they were all going out together, my DD was no longer invited. It was really horrible. She spent a lot of time the summer after 9th grade at home cause she only had about 2 friends who were still talking to her. And this is a girl who has to be doing some activity or be w/ friends all the time. She doesn't ever like to just stay home doing reading or something alone. It was very hard, but there was nothing I could do. Well, eventually it blew over and now she's friends w/ everybody again. Some of the girls apologized about how they treated her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:57pm

There are unpopular girls somewhere in that school who arent in all the activities you mention your dd is in. Trust me-they would love to have a friend!

It's easy to take this type of rejection personally(well, of course MY child is good enough to be with that group) BTDT

I would close your eyes to the girls in lacrosse, basketball and violin for now. Find the nerdy girl with her nose in a book who lives nearby. Look to church or scouting. Let her get to know the girl who doesnt get such good grades, who is overweight, or who gets free lunch.

The rest of 'that group' will come around after this one girl has had her day. And, if not, no great loss!

Meanwhile, your dd may have found some gems in the less popular crowd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 1:29pm

I'm a bit late chiming in here and as another post indicates, moms with daughters inevitably experience this scenario in one form or another sometime during the school years. My own DD had a pretty rotten 8th grade year. She got through it, but rest assured, it was tough on everyone -- especially me.

You've already gotten some good advice. I'd just emphasize the idea of looking beyond the obvious choices for new friendships for your DD. She'll have to look around a bit, but the little girl (or boy, ftm) who eats alone, sits and reads at lunch, etc., will most likely be very receptive to your DD and the idea of a new friend. When my DD started high school, she knew exactly one person in the entire student body and that's just what she did -- she approached the people she noticed alone, or lingering on the edges of different groups and introduced herself. She made a lot of friends and had a really great freshman year.

Another thing I might mention is for you to look for friendships outside the moms' of your DD's friends. When young girls grow apart -- which very often happens -- if your own social life is tied up with your DD's in that same way, things get very awkward and even adults have a hard time with it. It is very hard not to feel resentment toward the mother of the child who is being mean and/or hateful to your own -- btdt.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 5:23pm
I never cried when I sent my daughters to 1st grade. I cried the day dropped them off @ middle school. I still remember how painful those years were for me. Since your daughters school is small it makes it even more difficult. I would suggest getting her into activities outside of school so she can meet other girls. I would also suggest taking advantage of some mom & daughter time. Also, if you have similar stories from when you were her age share them with her so she knows you understand.
Good luck

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