Please help me....I'm really on the edge

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Please help me....I'm really on the edge
16
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:15pm

This is an update from before (heart attack post)
I posted this on the Divorce board but no one is there so I thought I'd see if anyone here can help me....

I am about the end of my rope with life in general. MY DD (not), 14 is moving to her dad's (2 miles away) 50/50 becuase she and I are oil and water right now. She doesnt' want to live here so her father and I will go 50/50. Had another blow up with her last night and I told her to call her dad to come pick her up. He did. I am losing my mind. I have so mucch stess in my life right now. My anger just gets the best of me.

1. DD and her crap mentioned above
2. ex and his crap
3. I am going to college full time and my grades are really slipping GPA normal 3.57
4. My mother is coming into town tomorrow and house is disaster
5. My mom coming into town-major stress, Love her but still stressful
6. Finances are slim to none, we just qualified for WIC/ reduced lunches again with the 50/50 agreement going into place. UGH!!
7. My desktop computer is about to die-need it for school, classes, here, sanity
8. My period just started (yeah fun)
9. Tornadoes in neighborhood and general nad weather
10. I am not getting enough sleep

My question is: my family has a history of depression and my mom, sister and brother are all on Wellbutrin for it. I am the only one not but given what's happening in my life now, should I go and get some to see if it helps my situation??

Will the court or ex see it as a hinderance in me keeping my other two kids in my custody?? IS it a sign of weakness or am I just being stubborn and pig headed. I think I can handle the truth, what do you guys think??

LARK

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:58pm
Does everyone have me on ignore or what?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:04pm

Hang in there - it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Just take one small step at a time and you will probably find that you can get through it. With the 14 yo one gone to be with her dad, take a deep breath and try focusing on just yourself for a minute. It sounds from your posts that you are doing a lot of things right and that you have many things to be proud of. Take care of the other two children that you have, but mostly take care of yourself. If you think you may be depressed, talk to your medical provider. There is nothing to be ashamed about in taking medication. It seems to me that noone has to know about this (unless you wish to disclose it) and it (the taking of medication) should have absolutely nothing to do with custody issues. Keep in touch!

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:46pm

No, no, no ... I'm not ignoring you, and I'm sure no one else is either. I read your post and started to respond when I realized I had to leave to go pick up younger DS from school in less than 5 minutes. I'm back now and have more time before I run him over to the community center for tennis lessons.

First off -- here's a big {{{hug}}} for you. You DO sound very stressed, tense and anxious. So, take a deep breath. Actually take several, it really will help calm you down.

I don't have a lot of experience with most of what you are dealing with, so I can only offer a little support on what I do know about.

Your DD -- She's at her dad's for the time being and seems to be a major source of stress for you these days. Perhaps with her away for a few days, you can regroup.

Your mother's visit -- My own mother said this to me not terribly long ago, "We can overlook a lot of things when it comes to our daughters. It's not so easy with our daughters-in-law, however." I am a much better housekeeper than my mother is; she wasn't referring to the state of my house in this instance, but it fits about most things, I think. Your mom most likely knows how you stressed you are; I doubt if she'll expect an immaculately clean house. Tidy up as much as you feel inclined to do to make you feel better and forget about the rest.

Your period -- Great timing and a major nuisance, I know, but it will be gone in a few days.

Sleep -- Are you not sleeping because you have too much on your plate or because you are having trouble falling/staying asleep? In November, I told a doctor about my lack of ability to stay asleep. Know what she recommended because I was reluctant to go on any sort of prescription sleep aid? Benedryl! It is not supposed to be habit forming, and I resisted trying it for a LONG time, but after a few days of sleeping all morning because I hadn't slept at night, I tried it. Now, I take it every night. The liquid seems to work better for me -- it's not as cost effective as the pills, however. You might want to try it until you get back on track because sleeping or not sleeping in your case, does become a habit. I'm not crazy about the fact that I've made a practice of downing an antihistimine before I go to bed, but the not sleeping thing was just about killing me.

After struggling with a debilitating illness and surgery, I found myself with post-traumatic stress syndrome and took Wellbutrin for a while. It IS helpful for depression. I stopped taking it all on my own, because between the illness and subsequent surgery I had infused so many different drugs into my body that it made me nervous. I was in fact, addicted to prescription pain killers. I finally just stopped taking everything so my body could detox.

Obviously, no one but a physician can tell you if you need an anti-depressant, although I do understand depression can be genetic. Not being a physician myself, and from what you wrote in your post, it sounds more like stress and anxiety than depression. By all means, see a doctor for evaluation. In the meantime, do you do any sort of exercise regularly? I tend to be of the 'anxious' variety and going for a walk or doing some high-speed housework really helps calm me down.

Don't know if I've helped or made sense or added to your frustration, but here's another {{{hug}}} for you.

Julie




Edited 3/13/2006 5:49 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:00pm

Lark, I can see you are very stressed right now...you've got so much going on. Try to take a step back, and take it one thing at a time.

1. Ok. DD has gone to Dad's for a week. That should give you a little bit of a breather from her. You can deal with her when she gets back.

2. Don't know what kind of problems you and xh are having, but with sharing DD 50/50 it could get worse, it could get better. Not to be ugly, but if you are still harboring anger over things that have happened in the past between you and him, then you need to let it go. He is probably not going to change (whatever the problem is) and you are going to need to deal with it. Take the high road.

3. Hopefully, you can hold ground with your grades. It's ok if you don't make a 4.00 GPA this semester. As long as you are not in danger of failing a class or losing financial assistance, it's ok.

4/5. Moms can be very stressful, even loving them as much as we do. Don't worry about the house. If she is staying with you and thinks it's a mess, then she'll either clean it or live with it! Talk to your mom. Let her in on what's happening in your life and let her know you are stressed beyond belief. If she is not the kind of mom you can vent to, then don't worry about it. Let *her* deal with it.

6. Finances are always stressful. What helps me is having a budget. If I know how much my bills are, when they are due, and how much money I've got at any given time, it just helps me deal with it. Plan, budget, and stick to it.

7. That really sucks about your computer. Look at your budget (!!!) and see where you can save and start putting that money away for a new computer. Check your local computer stores and see if they have rebuilt ones, those are usually cheaper than brand new. If it does crash, it will be awful, but there are worse things. For school, your school or library should have public computers for use in a pinch.

8. This too shall pass. :)

9. Be prepared. Do you know where you and the kids will go in case of a tornado? I don't know where you are from, but I'm sure you know the drill...Stash a couple or more gal of water in there, and probably some edibles (crackers, etc). Make sure you have flashlights, batteries, warm clothes, or blankets there too. Being prepared makes it not quite as stressful.

10. Sleep. That's always a toughie...Do your other 2 kids go to their dad's EOW? You may have to try to just catch up on sleep on the weekends they are at their dad's. Try to go to bed at a decent hour at night. Prioritize things, including sleep. For me, sleep is higher on the list than, say picking up the living room. Yes, the house should be "clean" as in "not nasty", but it needn't be "neat as a pin" clean.

As far as the meds go, do not expect meds to help your situation. They won't. They will help *you* if you are truly depressed, and your dr. can help you decide that. If you are, then by all means, take them. It should not come into play at all with your custody arrangement. I do not know your xh or what kind of relationship you have with him (I'm assuming it's not all that rosy) just don't mention it to him. It's not anything he would need to know. Don't lie, but don't offer any info either.

I probably sound trite, and I honestly don't mean to. When things have you overwhelmed, it is easy to feel like you are drowning. I know. I've been a single mom for 12 years.

Lastly, remember to breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:16pm

I'm sorry about the outburst. It's just I am so unhappy and sad and so angry at her for treating her step mother like a queen and me like the mean giant OGRE that I am not. She left last night and I talked to her stepmom this morning. My ex came by and dropped off the court papers to approve and sign and I told him to tell her that I love her.
"She knows that" he said.
"Well, have her call me then."
"She is still angry" he said.
"I have a right to know how her day went."
"I'll give her the message" he said.

ARRGH I give that child my life, time and money that is not in the checkbook (we are so poor right now) and she can act this way and HE LETS HER!!!!!

What am I suppoosed to do when she doesn't call??? I know she won't. Say fine be that way, no birthday presents for you???

HOw can I get through to her that this kind of stuff can't be rewarded?

I can't cry although I know I should. I am so angry and hurt and.....my first born daughter, I named her the ex named the other two, and she does this to the one person who has NEVER abandoned her ( the ex did for months at a time!!) in the dead of night, wiped her tears, held her when boyfriend troubles were there....
IS there a worse hurt???

Then on the other hand I pray that she has 10 kids and everyone of them does the same thing to her!

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:53pm

You don't have to apologize -- I just wish I knew the magic words that would make you feel better. I know you said finances are very tight, but do you have insurance or access to a counselor or therapist? It might benefit you and your DD both. You have so much to deal with right now and it sounds like you are carrying around some unresolved issues as well.

While I was waiting for DS to get out of school today, I was reading a book written by an amazing local pastor called "Captured by Grace." I don't know what sort of spiritual path you are on, if any, and please don't take offense, but this sentence (quoted as being said by St. Augustine) really moved me and it seems to fit here now:

"God always pours His grace into empty hands".

{{{more hugs}}}

Jules

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:15pm

Hi Lark,


I'm delurking to offer support. I know a woman who went through very much the same thing when her DD was about 14. Her DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:35pm

That's the hard part though, the wait...how can I still love her the way I did just 2 weeks ago when she is being so mean to me now??

There have been so many betrayals in my life that I just dont' care anymore. I want to be mean right back at her, but I am araid that if I do, I'll really say something that not only I regret but she doesnt' forgive me for later on in life??

I attended a fundraiser for a group for her and I told her that I did it for her. SHe told me that she didnt' ask me to come...
SHe has a band concert on Thurs. Costs me about $14 to go there with the family that I do not have. DO I go and let her treat me like I am not even there or do I skip it and not waste the money?

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:30pm
you go, you clap , if you get the chance, you tell her she did great. Be polite to ex , and call it a night. She might still be mad , she might even be snotty, but ten years from now (or sooner hopefully) she will acknowledge that even when she was be a spoiled brat to you , you STILL loved and supported her. and at best , it might reopen the line of communication.
I feel your pain on this , and the rest of your stresses. I just read the original post and all the responses, all great advice. I have two sons (15, 14) , i divorced their dad at when they were 1 & 2 , I resigned myself to the fact that they would want to live w/ EX when they were teens (he is much more 'relaxed' as a parent}. Now they can't even visit him, their stepmom doesn't want to 'deal' with 2 more kids (she has two about the same age) , and although I love my boys dearly, this really is worse to watch them be REJECTED by parent , then to let them go. oh, and to the OP who posted , "this too , shall pass" my mom raised 5 of us ALWAYS said that, GREAT words to remember .. :)
HUGS TO YOU LARK! k-
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:14am

Lark,
I'm sorry I didn't respnd sooner. I was hoping the wisdom muse would visit me in the night with some perfect words for you; but, alas!

I can only offer support and reassurance that it's ok come here to vent. You have so very much going on right now and it is my hope that you can get yourself to a counselor, clergy person or SOMEONE who is better qualified to offer advice than this middle-aged midwestern mom.

I can offer the tiniest bit of advice, and I truly hope you will try this. Let some of the things go that you cannot control. Like the tornadoes. Try and take things one issue at a time.

Hugs,
jt

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