Positive influence or potental problem?
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| Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:52am |
DD's bf is an honor roll student in honors courses and is the sports star of the school - football, basketball, and baseball. DD has always been an average student and is ADD-I and dyslexic, but has made huge strides with both, but she's still very average. She used to be pretty good at soccer, but gave it up to do cheerleading which is during the same season as soccer. When she tried out for cheerleading and made the jv squad - bf said that wasn't good enough, she should be on varsity. Dd countered that with, I don't want to be on varsity, I like being the star on jv (she's the main flyer). He does come watch her cheer at the soccer games when they don't conflict with his football schedule (he plays varsity and jv) and watches her when he can during his jv games. Dd recently got an 89 on a test and bf said that isn't good enough, should have been a 100. She said I should have seen his face when she got a 28 on a quiz....
At first, I have to admit, I kinda like how he strived for her to do better and maybe his influence would affect her grades positively. Even dd said something yesterday about how she feels pressure to be better now, being with him. I guess I will just watch and see where this goes and what it leads to, ya think? She says he's not critizing her and doesn't make her feel bad about herself and that it's not him that puts the pressure on her, it's her that is putting the pressure on herself.
While I don't see this as a issue at the moment, I do see how this could be a potential problem. Would love everyone's thoughts on this...


Wow, kel ... there are red flags dancing in front of my eyes, now that I've read your post.
Is this the same bf that was pushing your DD into being more sexually active? I assume it is.
I know you think this guy is smooth, blah, blah, blah, but he is starting to sound like a real creep to me. It sounds like he is a pushy control-freak who is going to destroy your DD's self-confidence and self-esteem if things continue on the path they are going. She may never be as 'good' as this kid thinks she should be (and let's face it, school and sports come easier for some people than they do for others) and I can only foresee problems.
Were I you, I think I'd be very concerned about this relationship.
kel, I apologize if I came off a little strong in that last post! I think I am a little hyper-sensitive to your situation due to a particularly disturbing book I read over the weekend. (See my post down below re 'The Tenth Circle'.)
Anyway, the story is about a 14yo freshman girl (same as your DD) that is courted by a super-star, academically inclined, star hockey player, well-loved by all junior boy (sound familiar?). When the bf breaks up with our heroine, she is devastated and will do anything to win him back. The story has quite a tragic theme and end. Due to the fact I also have a 14yo DD, and remember all too well those feelings of heartbreak and 'I'll do anything to get him back' at the end of my first 'real love' it really struck a nerve with me.
After reading your last two posts re your DD and her BF, the similarities are unnerving to me.
I'm so sorry if I offended you!
Julie
Kel,
I think that you are on the right track - watch this very closely and whenever possible, be sure to praise DD. My DD also has ADD and dates a genius. He just doesn't get that she has to work her behind off. I've never heard him and I don't think he's ever commented one way or another on her grades but I know she puts alot of pressure on herself to do as well as he does. She's a freshmen in college and is really stressed out b/c she's pressuring herself to get all A's despite the fact that he almost failed Calculus. So I do see where this situation could have a positive influence on her, however, the amount of pressure that my DD is placing on herself is not good. Also in your case, if he is actually criticizing her, then that's not good. There is a very fine line here and I watch this very closely.
Lia
Oh Gosh Julie, you didn't offend me in the least!! Honestly, I wasn't sure if I was seeing red flags or if I was just trying to find something about this boy that I didn't like. Like I said, I kinda liked the idea of someone else (other than me) nagging her to do better in school.
In retrospect, I really think he is/has been attempting to control her a bit, but according to our conversation yesterday (and previous convos), she is very much "wearing the pants" in the relationship. Her words exactly. According to her EVERYTHING is on her terms - from when they kiss, to what movies they see, to who she is going to hang out with and when, etc. If she has plans, she doesn't cancel them for him if he is suddenly free - either he joins in with her or he is on his own. I know at first he would get wicked jealous if she talked or flirted with guys and would let her know it, supposedly she turned it around on him and asked if he was suddenly a "blind deaf mute" to all girls just because they were dating - I guess that put an end to that. I guess he still gets miffed that she talks to her ex, again she turns it around on him that he still talks to his ex. According to her, his friends say he is "whipped." And he constantly tells her that she could have any guy at that school, ands asks why she is with him? So do I trust that what she is telling me is true?
Dd did help him with his opening for a paper he had to write in honors english and apparently he got a 100 on it and thanked dd profusely for the help (this was on IM). So see, I'm not sure what I think....
Is there anything else I can look for?
Is that book acceptable for dd? The similarities are remarkable and I can definitely see how I struck a chord with you!
Thanks Lia, I will definitely keep an eye on this and see where it leads. She swears its not him that has put the pressure on her to excel, she just feels she has to be "better" because of how accomplished he is. Kinda like I guess how me and my best friend in college challenged each other - we were very competitive.
I will watch closely and see how things go - if I see any condescending comments from him, I will definitely step in. If I see him making changes in her life, I will step in. She's very headstrong so I will just go with flow for now.....she really seems to have stepped up to the challenge to do better/be better....so is it a challenge or is it control???
What are you doing to help your dd with the pressure?
Thanks Pam - I will be watching to see what happens. In our very forthcoming conversation yesterday, she swears this isn't the case. The first sign of confirmed issues I will step in.
Right now, other than wanting better grades, dd hasn't changed her life for him.
Fingers crossed....
For my DD it is a self-issued challenge to do at least as well as him. I've never heard him ever tell her she could do better or anything like that. In fact, over the summer, he tried to get her to lighten up a little - selfish reasons on his part, he never saw her b/c she was studying so much.
I find it encouraging that your DD told him that she was happy being on JV and that he attends to watch whenever possible. This shows that she is able to stick up for herself and that he is supporting her. However, I could easily see this slipping in the wrong direction.
I think you are right to keep an eye on things and it is good that you are aware that this could quickly become a control issue.