Potential loser boyfriend - what to do?
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| Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:59pm |
Hi,
Warning: Long!
First, some caveats: I'm out here in California and used to post to this board under the moniker "Mary1kid", so want to say "hi, again" to everyone that's been posting since those days - especially jjillsmom, the moderator. I feel bad because just due to general busyness and "life", I've only posted once in the last year or so and hope to make a commitment to get back on here regularly, especially since my one and only daughter will be going off to college this year and I plan to also join the "Parents of College Students" board. I felt an explanation was needed since rejoining sort of felt like trying to rekindle a friendship I'd neglected.
Anyway, my DD will be off to college in the Fall, but fortunately for DH and I will only be about one and a half hours away. I feel really blessed because she has had a very successful high school experience and was able to get into one of our state's top universities which also happened to be her dream school. I just mention this because its pertinent to my question, not to blow the family horn, LOL.
Now, DD has known "S" for a little over a year. She goes to a girls' HS and he went (graduated '06)to their brother school. Their friendship began at a joint school activity and has continued since. He went off to a university in Hawaii last Fall and basically spent his first year smoking weed in his dorm room and getting lackluster grades. They were never an item when he was still here, but he liked her and was constantly text messaging and calling her all year. Meantime, here back home he also had some on and off girlfriend from another HS that he had a full monty sexual relationship with.
Nothing "happened" between him and DD at all, but DD tearfully confessed to me about a month ago that they had been text messaging each other dirty talk (yuck! What is up with that?)and that she felt guilty "in front of God", etc. So after telling her that while she hadn't done anything that damaging, we had a long discussion about setting expectations by what you talk about and how he probably would now expect something to go on between them, so she should put a stop to this. She understood this and told him that she would no longer be subscribing to their private 900 number (LOL - though I probably shouldn't be) and he was fine with it, laid back stoner that he is.
Well now the chickens have come home to roost. He's home for the summer and talking to her constantly. From what I've pieced together this is one of those dangerous "chemistry" situations where they are wildly attracted to each other. He's definitely indicated this to her and basically told her he would like to "have a relationship" with her. This scares me to death to the point where I don't even want her to see this guy in a group with their mutual friends. DH and I had one of those "chemistry" relationships and I know that in college we would have gotten a lot more studying done if it hadn't been for that.
Moreover, this guy just doesn't seem to care about his future at all. Life is just one big bong pipe and party. DD worked her butt off all of HS to get into this university and I guess I just hope that her first boyfriend will be someone with a little more ambition (and less weed)in life than this guy. Thankfully, she has avoided the entire "sex, drugs and rock n roll" aspect of HS these past four years and I hate to see it be a problem this summer.
Since she's turning 18 in a few weeks, what do you think I should do? Also, if you have experience with "loser boyfriends/girlfriends", please let me know what you did.
Thanks in advance.

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Your note reminded me of my "bad boy" relationship.
I really feel for you and what you're going through. Having a 16 yo daughter myself, I can understand your concerns. I haven't been in your situation, yet, but I guess one thing that I would really hope for is that when your dd goes off to college, the relationship she has with this guy dies off. I think a lot of high school relationships don't last when kids go off to college. Granted, this kid went to HI for college and is still in the picture but once your dd goes off to college, makes new girlfriends and meets some new guys, it's very possible that she will move on.
The only thing you may be able to do right now is tell her your concerns and hope that she hears what your saying. At 18, I don't think you can deny her from seeing this guy. One thing that should be really reassuring is that your dd sounds like a great kid who has her head on straight. I bet she'll tire of "S" and see that there's no future with him.
Best of luck and welcome back to the board. BTW, I couldn't help it, but your post was rather humorous too...the references to being a laid back guy because he's a stoner made me chuckle. I could just picture this guy in my head.
Yep, same here with DH going ultra conservative!
And 'being driven' has become a bone of contention here. His company actually sends out certificates for how many improve yourself and build wealth tapes people have listened to-hes at the platinum level-LOL
I'm like in this 'slow down and smell the flowers' mode myself
It's almost as if he is throwing the same intensity into these conservative beliefs as he did when he was younger and wilder
Whereas I am more a moderate in terms of personality so, when I go one way or the other, it's a hop, not a leap
I do wonder if it is related to 'intensity' of personality as opposed to 'morals' and that's why those guys are so much more interesting? The girls arent driven to 'bad' but 'exciting and charged'. They just happen to go together although I suppose an evangelist or greenpeace zealot could be seen as 'charged'
Thank you - all of you! You've all given me some very good ideas.
I noticed that for those of you that have been through this with your kids, there's a lot of emphasis on not making it into a "forbidden fruit" situation. I guess that's the key. One of you mentioned that your DD was a "salt of the earth" type person. Mine is like that, too - sees the good in everyone. I think that's wonderful, but it can be trying in these types of situations.
Yesterday, she went on a field trip with her class where the teacher requested no cell phones (mainly because it was a state park and he didn't think they'd get reception). When she found out everyone was bringing them anyway, she had to take hers, and I think it was probably to stay in touch w/S., but I bit my tongue. I figure you can't catch an STD over the phone.
Also, she's insisting he be invited to her graduation party next month. I guess that's fine since it will be a "dry" event with loads of parents, as well. Maybe I can have DH trot out his intimidating glare for the event (just kidding)!
Thanks again. So many of you answered me in my "hour of need", which also indicated that this wasn't as uncommon a problem as I would have thought (LOL).
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