predating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
predating
10
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 7:51pm
I have a dd 14 yr old and a 21 yr old dd. My problem is my 14 yr she just broke up with a guy. I did let them go to the movies and I would take them. He has spent time at the house with me here also. Now she is interested in a 18 yr old that she met at the lake. He has started calling her and coming over. I have told her she can not date till she is sixteen. Her dad is totally against this 18 yr old coming over. My daughter says he knows she can not date and he is willing to wait. He just wants to be able to come over and see her occasionally. He is a really nice guy and comes from a good family. But the age difference is a big thing here. I need some advice.

MOM
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:09am
Your husband is right. There is TOO much of an age gap, and a NORMAL 18yo would have no use for a 14yo. Or should I say, only one use. Do NOT let him come to your house. Do NOT let your dd see him, even if she's with other friends. He probably has a car, & can surely talk her into getting into it with him. Keep her engaged in sports, volunteer work & other activities that put her with kids her age who are being WELL supervised. Put the kibosh on the lake, the park, & anywhere else unsupervised. In our town, a 17yo "nice kid" from a "good family" attempted to rape a 13yo who hung out with him in the park, then stabbed her to death when she threatened to tell. Use your head here, not your emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:38am
I have two daughters too, it is hard when they are growing up with the way this world is today. I would let the guy come over, but, supervise !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 6:14pm
My fear of being too strict and saying "no" is her finding a way to see him behind your back. If you allow him to your house, you are in better control of what goes on.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 7:02pm
The problem with the age difference is multi-faceted. He's willing to wait - now, perhaps. There's 2 years before she can *date*. If he's around your house and you all get to know him better and everyone is 'ok' with him, they will ask can they just go to one movie, be driven there & back; his family's having a party, can she go to that; he's having a party, can she come; wouldn't it just be easier if he drove, don't you trust him by now?, the family's going on family vacation, could she come ... it will become increasingly difficult to say no, esp if he IS a genuinely nice guy who has respected your rules all along. And maybe that wouldn't be so bad, but meanwhile your dd's OTHER friends are all going to go by the wayside. Is he going to want to go to her friends' 15th birthday parties; or hang out with them, go to her gr 8 or gr 9 school dances? Is her friends' parents going to want to let their kids go with your dd and her 18 yo bf places and likely meet some of his 18 yo guy friends? Or are her friends even going to want to do that much? What will your dd have in common with his friends and their 18 yo girlfriends? Even if your dd DOES manage to figure out some common ground, because a relationship, ESP in the teems, has a LOT to do with one another's friends, then your dd will also start to want/expect more of the same privileges her new friends have, and at 18, the differences in freedom is VAST. If they end up just hanging out together because meshing the two social lives is nearly impossible, that means your dd will either have to have two separate lives happening and one is definitely going to become sacrificed or she'll have to give one up ...

You don't have to be militaristic in your 'NO, because I said so' approach to vetoing this situation. Ask her what she has in common with him and listen. Ask her how she plans to try to mesh the two lifestyles together with 14 yo friends and 18+ yo friends. Ask how she thinks her friends' parents will respond to this. Just listen. Tell her the adult point of view. At 18, most are finished HS, and they move right PAST HS when they get out of it. HS is only all-important to those kids still in it. They are nearly adults (in Canada, they ARE considered full legal adults with all privileges) and their lives reflect this in ways 14 just can't yet. My dd's long term bf is just 7 months older than my dd, was in the same grade, and they share common friends, yet when he turned 18, he waited till she was 18 to do a lot of stuff his friends were doing, like going to a pub; they had just passed a law here saying kids under 18 couldn't go into a pool hall (or anywhere there was public cigarette smoking) and their social life changed a lot in that 7 months.

The 18 yo is likely sexually experienced, and trust me, once he is, that WILL be an issue sooner or later, one way or another. 14 and 15 yos are still pretty idealistic at that age: 'if he loves me, he won't 'cheat'" - but I've heard SO many times this happening even with guys who swear on their lives that their gf is the most important person in their life and they'd NEVER do anything to hurt her - give them the right place, right time, away from the gf, with senses that have been awakened already and it really can and likely will happen, even if they feel awful after the fact. Chances of that happening are very high, ESP if he is sexually experienced, in any way. It doesn't mean that's the ONLY thing he's after as I really do know boys who can think of other things and do like a girl for more than hopes of what he can get, lol, but guaranteed *something* will happen. Either with your dd before she's mature enough emotionally to handle a breakup after a sexual involvement of any kind or that she feels totally betrayed if he 'strays' ...

Just some things to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:36pm
This is a difficult one but I can recount an experience of my own, hoping it will help.

When I was 13 I met a 17 yr old friend of a neighbour. He spent a lot of time there and we saw each other quite often. I thought it was just so neat that he was showing an interest in me. My parents feelings were quite different. They banned me from seeing this guy citing the "age difference" and their view turned out to be well founded.

This guy and I spent some time just walking and talking and this was great for a few weeks - till he started asking for more than kisses. Things got quite heated one afternoon and I had to "kick him where it hurt" to get away. Needless to say I was very lucky and very grateful.

It didn't strike me till later when I told my mother about it the reasons they had banned me from seeing him.

First of all, they knew me very well and knew what I was able to deal with. Mum knew I wasn't ready for the kinds of things he wanted from me.

The point I am trying to make here is that you know your daughter better than anyone, and have enough experience of life to know when to trust your own instincts.

Let her know that you trust her but have serious reservations about the situation. Suggest that she may see him on a trial and "fully supervised" basis, under a strict set of your rules, to see how it goes. See if his parents will help out. If this guy is genuine he will be happy with it. If he tries to convince her to break your rules she will know that he might not be so genuine.

If he lasts till her 16th bday then the rules can be relaxed some. Personally I doubt he will because by that time he will be 20 and half way through college.

The bottom line is though that you have to trust your instincts while trying to convince your daughter that it is in her best interests to trust them too. Hers just aren't well enough honed to make a reasoned judgement.

All I can say really is that I dread when my 3 yr old dd gets to this age - I will be going through menopause about then. :-o

Good luck to you. :o)

Lynette

Avatar for becuzisaidso
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:42pm
I don't post here too often but I think I have something useful to add. Don't let your DD see this boy and do not allow him to come to visit her. The fact that he seems like a nice kid and comes from a "good family" is irrelevant. Lots of "nice kids" do not so nice things.

4 years is a huge age difference at this age. When my oldest DD was 15 I allowed her to date a boy that was more than 2 years older than her and it is THE one thing I would do differently if I could do it over. Even the 2 year difference caused difficulties because he could do things she wasn't yet allowed to do.

You are not going to be able to keep this situation from escalating if you let him come over to visit her. They will keep pushing and pushing for more privileges and you are going to find yourself in a even tougher situation. The more time they spend together the more "Romeo and Juliet" like it will be when you finally try to put a stop to it. Nip this in the bud.

If you have to, have DH talk to the boy and tell him specifically that you feel that he is too old for DD and you do not want him to see or call her again. Remind him that while he is legally an adult SHE is still a minor. Meanwhile you can talk to DD about your your concerns and try to fill her time with more some more appropriate activites. Good luck it's never easy being a parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:56pm
If you think "pre-dating" is bad, wait until your little angel explains what "friends, with benefits" means.

I'm pretty open-minded with my kids, and I came of age in the tail end of the 1970's when, if you weren't getting laid, you pretty much didn't have the requisite parts, but I was floored by this.

Firefly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: momforeman
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:38pm
I agree with the posters that say to keep your dd away from this man. Your dd is a child, he's an adult. At this age 4 years makes a world of difference in maturity. If it's meant to be they can hook up in another 10 years or so when the age difference won't make such a big differnce.

Pam



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Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: momforeman
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 12:07am
Oh yeah!! I too was floored when I heard about this concept last summer, and I thought that I had heard most everything.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: momforeman
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 1:05am
We had a situation similar to yours. When my dd17 was 13yo, she and a 16yo boy liked each other. The boy was the best friend of my then 16yo son so he was at our house a lot. We didn't approve of the "romance", not only because of the age difference but because of the difficulties it could produce for my ds' friendship. We couldn't ban the boy from our home so we had to find another way to deal with it.

Fortunately we already had a rule in place that our kids could not date anyone more than a year older or younger than they were. We told the best friend that dd would not be able to go out with him until she was 18 and he was 21. As much as he liked dd he wanted to have a real gf, and soon found one his own age!

We also had an incident when dd was 16 that she and a friend hung out (without my knowledge) with a 23yo guy. In that case I contacted the guy, refreshed his memory on the laws concerning minors/contributing to delinquency/stat rape and let him know that I knew where he lived and worked. I also let dd know that we could and would make a lot of trouble for her new "friend". They both got the message. I suppose that your dd's situation falls somewhere in between!

I think that it is also important to consider your dd's personality when you decide how to proceed. Is she the type that will accept what you say with minimum fuss or will she get rebellious? You don't want to create Romeo and Juliet when it could die a quick and quiet death without you having to become the bad guy.

I would probably allow the boy to come to your home but only when they can be totally supervised, and not let them leave even for a walk around the block. I would also have a talk with the boy and explain your reservations and rules, make it clear that you won't permit them dating for 4 years. When she is 18 she will be free to date whomever she wants, he can look her up then if he is still interested. If he decides to continue visiting her with those restrictions I would be very surprised if it lasted for very long.

What does her 21yo sister think about it? If she thinks it is a bad idea, could she convince your dd14 to forget about it?

Good luck, let us know how you decide to handle it and how it works out.