IMVHO, whether or not I pay for my dds' cell phone or computer use does not give me permission to snoop.
The only 'reason' for snooping, EVER, is because my mommy radar is up. My radar happens to be be very perceptive and sharpened (from years of having to use it).
I make no excuses for my snooping. I usually wouldn't even tell my dds' how I found something out...or I'd make up a story that I found out by accident. My dds' don't even bother asking me how I find things out anymore...my 18dd in particular just assumes that I get a daily report from her Guardian Angels. Hahah - no, seriously.
The bottom line, for me, is that they are my children, I love them, it's my job to protect them and sort of sit on their shoulder and look out for them because there have been and will be times when despite their know-it-all attitude, they know NOTHING. After they learn the hard way a few times, the *hope* is that they don't make another bad choice and we don't have to deal with the aftermath of that bad choice, kwim?
The *hope* is that they will begin making healthier and logical decisions by the time they are off and on their own. Sometimes, we're lucky, for instance with my 20dd - she's balanced, not perfect, but definitely a very responsible and cautious person. I've only snooped on her twice in her entire life. DD18, otoh, well, I can't even remember how many times I've snooped on her - trouble for her is like a moth to the flame and it is what it is, despite our best efforst and precautions, my beautiful and otherwise smart dd always seems to land herself in a tight spot. I am usually able to pre-empt them by snooping, though not always.
I am a firm believer in taking our job as parents very seriously and sometimes that means snooping. There are ways to snoop without being obvious; there is always a stupid friend who you can trick into divulging more than you know by making think you already know. I would say about 80% of the things I found out about, I learned from her BFF!! But I never ever let dd know this.
Just last week, 18dd left a letter she wrote to her stupid bf. It was up there, she had left. I read it and then saved it and closed it for her. Later she was about to tell me all the crud going on between them. She got half way through her story and stopped. Then she said, "You read the letter, didn't you? I left it up, didn't I? Dang!" and we both laughed. You see, most times these kids aren't smart enough to cover their tracks and they foil their own plans, thus making our snooping job even easier!
Edited to add: Now that my dds are 20 and 18, obviously there is less snooping altogether. However since my 18dd is very much struggling with her 16 y/o inner self, I do have to be on the lookout. I'm hoping that she will finally mature this year and things will ease up with her a bit.
Well, actually, you have to be careful about ``What I pay for is mine`.
If you buy something for your child`s exclusive use, it becomes their property. You have gifted the item. There is no `half way around it`. For example, I bought my son a new computer for X-Mas. It is his property now as is his bed, his bureau, his desk, his clothes..
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I won't flame you as you have a right to apply your own parenting style and values to your own situation.
This is a tough one for me.
dfghjk
Edited 2/19/2008 5:58 pm ET by kel7col4
dfghjk
Edited 2/19/2008 5:58 pm ET by kel7col4
IMVHO, whether or not I pay for my dds' cell phone or computer use does not give me permission to snoop.
The only 'reason' for snooping, EVER, is because my mommy radar is up. My radar happens to be be very perceptive and sharpened (from years of having to use it).
I make no excuses for my snooping. I usually wouldn't even tell my dds' how I found something out...or I'd make up a story that I found out by accident. My dds' don't even bother asking me how I find things out anymore...my 18dd in particular just assumes that I get a daily report from her Guardian Angels. Hahah - no, seriously.
The bottom line, for me, is that they are my children, I love them, it's my job to protect them and sort of sit on their shoulder and look out for them because there have been and will be times when despite their know-it-all attitude, they know NOTHING. After they learn the hard way a few times, the *hope* is that they don't make another bad choice and we don't have to deal with the aftermath of that bad choice, kwim?
The *hope* is that they will begin making healthier and logical decisions by the time they are off and on their own. Sometimes, we're lucky, for instance with my 20dd - she's balanced, not perfect, but definitely a very responsible and cautious person. I've only snooped on her twice in her entire life. DD18, otoh, well, I can't even remember how many times I've snooped on her - trouble for her is like a moth to the flame and it is what it is, despite our best efforst and precautions, my beautiful and otherwise smart dd always seems to land herself in a tight spot. I am usually able to pre-empt them by snooping, though not always.
I am a firm believer in taking our job as parents very seriously and sometimes that means snooping. There are ways to snoop without being obvious; there is always a stupid friend who you can trick into divulging more than you know by making think you already know. I would say about 80% of the things I found out about, I learned from her BFF!! But I never ever let dd know this.
Just last week, 18dd left a letter she wrote to her stupid bf. It was up there, she had left. I read it and then saved it and closed it for her. Later she was about to tell me all the crud going on between them. She got half way through her story and stopped. Then she said, "You read the letter, didn't you? I left it up, didn't I? Dang!" and we both laughed. You see, most times these kids aren't smart enough to cover their tracks and they foil their own plans, thus making our snooping job even easier!
Edited to add: Now that my dds are 20 and 18, obviously there is less snooping altogether. However since my 18dd is very much struggling with her 16 y/o inner self, I do have to be on the lookout. I'm hoping that she will finally mature this year and things will ease up with her a bit.
Edited 1/31/2008 2:05 pm ET by heartsandroses2002
I would say that I have never snooped on DD 18 or read her IMs because I have never felt the need to.
fghj
Edited 2/19/2008 5:58 pm ET by kel7col4
ghjkl
Edited 2/19/2008 5:59 pm ET by kel7col4
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Well, actually, you have to be careful about ``What I pay for is mine`.
If you buy something for your child`s exclusive use, it becomes their property. You have gifted the item. There is no `half way around it`. For example, I bought my son a new computer for X-Mas. It is his property now as is his bed, his bureau, his desk, his clothes..
I have never snooped, never had to.
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