problem with boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
problem with boyfriend
12
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:23am

Hello...

I don't usually post but I find you all to be pretty good at advice so here goes...

My daughter is 16 and has been dating her boyfriend over a year. He's a great kid and fits in really well with our family. Unfortunately, (or fortunately because otherwise how did he get to be such a great kid?) his parents are very strict, his dad especially. They would in general not like him to be dating anyone because they would prefer he focus on other things. He is an A student,(4.2 gpa), has a job and 3 varsity letters. He clearly is focused and has his head on straight.

The problem is his parents do not want him on the phone after 10:30 at night. I have the same rule at my house, but truly, in the summer time, I don't really care. As long as my daughter is pleasant to me, fulfills her responsibilities, and keeps her job, I don't really mind how long they are on the phone.

Anyway, C's dad called the other night and said that he wants them to stop seeing each other because they were on the phone Sunday night at 12:30. I realize that they have broken a rule, but seriously, aren't there a lot of other things to be more worried about?

Apparently the problem is that it is inappropriate for C to be talking to P when he is in his bed, under the covers "because we don't need a teenage boy doing that!" I personally am much more concerned about real sex than the possibility of phone sex and wish I could say that to them but they would be completely shocked.

Because of the phone call, C is not allowed to talk to or see P for at least a week. He is no longer allowed to drive which means he must walk home from work (about 5 miles) and I just feel sorry for the kid. Sorry this is ridiculously long, but any advice would be great.

Pages

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:51am

I have been talking in another thread about my DS's girl friend, and how we don't like our sons relationship with her. Your daughter may be a fine young lady, but for whatever reason the other parents don't like it....like you said, they would rather he not be dating at all. I wanted so badly to talk to the mother of this girl, but didn't. We actually had real issue with the late night phone thing, not because of possible phone sex, but it just really upset us that DS and GF were on the phone ALL hours of the night. I will say that those other parents took it too far.....we just set the rule in place that the phone comes to us at 11:00 p.m. DS didn't like it, but it was just one of the rules that they had to live by if they were to continue dating. I will tell, you as the upset mom of the DS I wish that we had contact with the other mom, so that I could at least feel that she was doing all that she could on her end to help make sure that the "ground rules" are being followed. I would not question the other parents decisions....respect them, and have your daughter respect them....this is NOT what our DS's GF had done....so it makes us not have good feelings for her all the more. Just my opinion.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:03am
Just curious. Are they sexually active?
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:15am

"Just curious. Are they sexually active?"

This is a good question, and is one of the reasons we are not happy with our DS's girlfriend, ours are sexually active, and we know this, but DS says mother of GF does not know that they are sexually active, although her DD is on the pill :(, so the parents of this other boy may know something you don't :( I know that I felt it wasn't my place to tell the other mother.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:18am

Wow....Can I ever relate to this post...I was just going to begin a discussion myself on this very subject...so here's my story...
My dd is 16 and dating her bf 18 for 6 months now. In my opinion, their relationship is obsessive....seems they can't stand to be away from eachother ...and with todays technology they are always talking - either on the phone, via text, on the computer - even after spending an entire day together! I let it go for a while...but it is not getting much better. My dd will be a junior in hs and her bf will be going to a local (arghh!) college in the fall. I had hoped he would "go away" to college...but that is not going to happen. Even though it is the summer as you say - I don't want my dd to get her sleep schedule all out of wack - and continue the bad habits into the school year. I saw it happening at the end of the school year last year - and if definately affected her performance. This summer has been a constant battle to get her to shut her phone off and go to sleep at a decent hour! I recently found out that they have been talking until 4:00 in the morning and sleeping (when he doesn't have to get up for work - which he just started by the way) until 1:00 in the afternoon! My dd has been waiting for a call back from a job she was "promised" would happen - but hasn't - so she is not working yet.
I could go on and on about the difficulties her phone has caused. Suffice to say that it came to a head the other night - and I discontinued texting - and she has to turn over her phone to her father at 11:00 most nights (sometimes 12:00 - since that is her curfew and she will have her phone on her until that time). I have become, in her eyes, arch enemy #1 -- and it hurts me so much because she and I have always been so close. Now I feel like we are constantly fighting and the house is in an uproar.
I bet your dd's bf's father is trying to avoid the above scenario...and I agree that the kids need downtime. It is not too much to ask them to cut off communication at a reasonable hour...read a book if they can't sleep...or even write their thoughts in a journal...whatever. They don't need to talk until the wee hours of the morning. I know it is a different world - but remember when we were growing up? We spent time with friends / boyfriends / girlfriends and came home to our family...spent time with them - and interacted more with them then kids do today. I do think that the computer and cell phones take alot of time away from family or just "alone" time - to chill out and just "be".
Okay....I am getting off my soapbox now. Bottom line is I don't think the dad is unreasonable. Our kids need boundaries - and we need to set what is acceptable for the household.
I am going to post again about another topic...but this one really hit home for me.
Just my 2 cents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:43am
I should add that I think the rest of the dad's punishment is unreasonable....not allowing them to see eachother - not car, etc. That is over the top. But making sure they don't talk on the phone after a certain hour is not unreasonable.
Also - yes....I would be much more concerned about real sexual activity - not phone sex for goodness sake! Seems bf's parents are living in the dark ages...but it is not your place to try to make them see the light.
Sorry I got off on a rant about my own issue and didn't finish the post appropriately.
Thanks for understanding....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:54am
While I think the punishment might have been a bit harsh I see nothing wrong with the parents forbidding their ds to be on the phone past 10:30 p.m.
Pam
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:51am
Although I don't have a problem with DD being on the phone late during the summer, if her friends have a rule I expect it to be abided by. I don't see any problem with that, like most everyone else.
I do think they went a little over the top with their punishment, but it is their call. I think even though you and DD don't agree with the consequences, you have to just suck it up and deal with it. I know it makes everything harder, but it is their son.
I know one of dd's friends has a boyfriend with parents that do things that are like that. They were at the big semi formal winter dance and he gets a phone call at 9:00 that he will be picked up and must come home, he had wrestling in the a.m. So poor S is crying in the locker room of the school, because he had to leave. The same couple just celebrated their 1 yr anniversary of dating. They had plans for the day, suddenly his mom calls and says she wants him to go out to dinner with her. What is that? She knew they were celebrating their 1 yr.
I don't understand some parents, but it is who they are and you can't change them. Maybe this boy needs to sit down with his parents and talk about this whole dating situation. If they have been going out for a while, I think you said they were, he should show them that his grades were great and he did well on his teams etc. even though he was dating her. Plus he is holding down a job. Maybe if he points out to them how well he is doing and shows them he intends to continue to do well, they may give a little on the whole dating thing, but I think they will have to deal with the current situation and hope for the best.
They sound like good kids and nothing out of the ordinary going on here, as far as the kids that is.
Kristie
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:52am

I too can relate, too long to even go into. The others I believe are somewhat familiar with my dd problems with strict parents of her b/f. They were young when they started dating they have been together almost 3 years, she is almost 20 he is 19.

His parents had early phone rules and lot of other rules too. It was hard for them sometimes. But everyone would tell me, "you can't tell them how to parent their children" "they are doing what they think is best" that is very true. They broke up for a while, which I still think had somewhat to do with his parents not wanting him to be so serious while he was still in high school. From what we hear, he had a long talk with his parents and after that, they went back together. That was right before his senior year and they are still together. DD is going into her sophmore year in college, he will be starting his freshman year. It seems as they grow older, his parents have given more privleges. And as time goes on, she is becoming closer and closer to his family. I know now it wasn't personal against her, they truely do love her.

Maybe this boys parents feel that he is still too young to be serious. Every parent is different, and some feel they do not want their children in relationships till they are older, perhaps even through college. I hear that from many parents.

I know as a Mom you are probably concerned that your dd will be hurt and that just breaks your heart, I know when my dd hurts, I hurt just as bad. Perhaps some time apart would not be bad, just be there for her whatever she may need from you. Maybe he will go and talk to his parents. Hopefully as time goes on, they will become more receptive to this relationship. They do sound over the top with rules, I would feel bad for this boy.

Hopefully your dd doesn't take the brunt of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 2:24pm

The more I thought of this, the more confused I became about my feelings

Whether you agree or not, you should appear to support his parents-no badmouthing in front of dd and certainly not in front of him

But why did the dad contact you? I know another poster said she wished she had that kind of relationship with her teens SOs parents but why?

If this boy calls your dd at midnight and she is allowed to have her phone on, should SHE not answer? Is this really her responsibility? Should you be encouraged to take YOUR dds phone away at 1030 because of THEIR rule?

Im curious what others think about this in 'practical' terms

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 3:05pm

I would respect the boy's dad's wishes and not have my kids call the so's house after 10:30, just so the kid wouldn't get in trouble. She would be respecting their wishes.

By no means would I take the phone away from my own child though. I would say that it would be okay for her to awnser the phone to her boyfriend too.

Kate

Pages