Prom if you disapprove of date?

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Prom if you disapprove of date?
10
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:00am
You know the difficulty we've had with DD's BF. She decided she didn't like some of the things he does either and is "taking a break" from him to hang out with a new guy (snowboard guy). Of course old BF has declared his undying love for her and said he will change. She is still taking a break. I don't know if she is physically attracted to snowboard guy, but she seems to enjoy hanging out with him for fun. They actually DO things together, where the old BF just wanted to sit around. He is very unmotivated. Well, old BF said he really wants to take DD to prom. I just don't feel I can support this. How do you all feel about this?? I don't even know how he can pay for any of it. He doesn't have a job (his mom will probably pay bec/ she likes DD). That is another bone of contention for me... he never has any money and wants DD to pay for things since she has a job. I can't see dropping several hundred dollars for her to go to prom with a guy who has called her names and treated her disrespectfully. She still probably has feelings for him; I guess she remembers the good times. But there were some bad times. I told her I couldn't support her going with old BF after the way he has treated her and that I don't want to reward his bad behavior by letting her go with him. She didn't say anything... I couldn't tell how she felt about that. She didn't seem angry. I DID say I'd be happy to pay for things if she went with girlfriends or another guy. She hasn't mentioned it since I said that two days ago. This is her Junior prom and she really wants to go this year. I want to wait a bit since prom is the last weekend in April, but should I mention going to shop for a dress?
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:02am

She may want you to say no so it takes the heat off her saying no to the old BF

I'd talk more about what she wants to do-is snowboard boy an option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:29am
What does your DAUGHTER want to do? I have not heard what she said, or did I miss it? She appears to be a pawn unable to make her own moves. JMHO. Betty

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:37am
Yes, I think snowboard boy is probably an option. I'm trying not to say too much because lately she has gotten on my case about letting her make her own decisions and not always telling her what to do. So, I sort of thought I'd give it a little while before I ask if she has a prom date. I was thinking the same thing as you, wind... that she might WANT me to say no so she doesn't have to. Hope snowboard boy asks her soon, but I suppose he doesn't know what to do either. He has been very understanding through this. He knows she is not completely detached from old BF. But snowboard boy is head-over-heels in love with her... why can't she see he is far and away the better guy??? Why is there even a decision to make? Like I said, I guess it's the physical attraction; snowboard boy maybe is just friend material to her... but that still makes a good prom date.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:47am
Betty, I suggested she talk to a 22-year old counselor about old BF who has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her and the new love interest. According to the counselor, she was very open with her and gets angry when DH or I get involved in this relationship issue. Yet, she said she doesn't know what she is going to do yet about these two boys. She seems to still love the old BF even though he has treated her badly at times; I am sensing that she is slowly realizing he probably isn't a good guy to hang onto because he will probably not change. She had hoped to help him change (I have discussed with her at length that abusers seldom change but she didn't want to believe that). So I think she is physically attracted to old BF, but may be starting to notice she could be as attracted to someone else out there in the world. It probably isn't snowboard boy... I think she really likes him as a good friend that can snowboard and wakeboard with her. I don't know for certain, but that is the feeling I am getting. Meanwhile, she is really making no decision about whether to move on and talks to both guys. I think what she really wants is old BF to just change and then everything with be fine. All her friends are happy for her that she even took a break from him. He is not well-liked because of how he talks to people.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:03pm

Deb, you have to let her figure this one out for herself. She craves the drama, thats part of the appeal of the crappy BF. Do not feed into her drama, you are only fanning the flames. Who cares if new snowboarder is next BF, your DD needs to break it off with yucky guy ON HER TERMS (without interference)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:09pm

<<< I told her I couldn't support her going with old BF after the way he has treated her and that I don't want to reward his bad behavior by letting her go with him.>>>

Wow. Deb..
Your doing what I only dreamed about doing with weenie boy.. :-)
Yet.. It may be an impractical ultimatum.
She may, despite who she "says" she's going with, meet this loser at the prom if she chooses.
"Hand picking" (as she will see it) her prom date may be a bit of a tall order.

Personally, I would be resigned to the fact that she will "date" whom she pleases, only with significant restrictions on where and when imposed by me based on safety. A boy acting like a jackass would be discussed at great length, with me biting my tongue in half suppressing what I REALLY want to say...to keep that ever important rapport going..sheesh.. but with my DD, your approach would backfire.

I'm not saying it's wrong. On the contrary, I'm actually envious.
I'm anxious to hear how it goes.

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 1:38pm
I haven't discussed her relationship with old BF in awhile. I saw the light... she was not going to listen to me. Lately there has been alot of silence. I must admit I am getting better. But this old BF called DD an a$$h***, b****, loser, and other things. He also refers to DH and I as her f****** parents. That on top of the alleged cheating, which he lies to DD about. So I am having a hard time saying "okay, I'll drop several hundred dollars for you to go to prom with this guy." In the meantime, I feel so sorry for snowboard boy.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:12pm
she should pay for her own prom, loser boyfriend or not, doesn't matter. Why do you have to shell out "several hundred dollars" for the prom? I don't get it.

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:42pm
The silent treatment and moodines continues. I think DD knows that ex BF is not the way to go; snowboard boy is okay and maybe a prospect for prom. But she continues to go do things like open gym (alot of kids go), go places with soccer friends. I'm thankful for that. She had totally retracted from those things when with ex-BF. But... she doesn't talk to me much. I can live with that... I think she is trying to figure things out for herself. Meanwhile, I will not say much and continue to pray. She wanted to go talk to the domestic abuse counselor again and has made arrangements for Fri. I consider it a good sign. She seems pretty independent lately.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 6:47pm
Just a thought...if she wants you to say no, you could and let her off the hook. But, I've been in similar siruations with my DD and I asked her if that was what she was looking for me to do. If she said yes and it was a BF thing, I always had her tell them know. I just think it's important that young women learn to say no to men or they will be in some pretty precarious positons dating. Good luck!