Promise Rings?
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| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:44pm |
My 19dd is away at college. While there she met a nice young man and they have been exclusive since November I believe. They broke up at one point because my dd was feeling a little boxed in but they got back together. Now, he is away on his internship and she's about ready to go away on hers - they won't see each other until November 1st.
This morning she IM-ed me and said he wants to get Promise Rings in November when she is scheduled to visit him at his home in another state for a week following the internships.
I'm sorry, but I just feel that its a little too soon. I didn't say anything negative, but I guess I wasn't bubbling over with joy when she told me and she got all pissy with me and then said, get this:
"Why can't you ever be happy and accept that I might actually be in a relationship for over a year?"
This question of dd's is completely unfounded. She WAS in a relationship for almost 2 years before she went away to college and we never had a problem with the young man until he cheated on dd with the town 'bike'. Then she almost immediately jumped into this relationship. They took it really slow and we weren't phazed by it because we thought it was just a romance. It became apparent it was more than that and we got to know this BF and he is really nice and we love him. I even commented to my H last week how I thought he might wind up being "the one". You hear all the time about how H's and W's met in college - I think they are a sweet couple.
However, promise rings?? DD is only 19 and he is 21. I just think, "what's the rush?" They will be out of college in a little over two years. Time enough, IMO, but I was't negative or bubbling over and I guess that's what did it for her.
I don't even care about the stupid rings as much as I do about dd's insinuations or misperceptions about me. It upsets me that she assumes what I am feeling or thinking. But I guess that's fairly typical between parents and thier children at times as well.
What do you think?

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I'm with times 4.
Thanks, I am waiting it out. I am not concerned about the ring part - if they want that, it's fine with me; it just took me off guard and since I didn't bubble over with enthusiasm, my dd took that as a form of rejection I guess and became upset. I'm more concerned with her feelings than anything.
Thanks for your reply.
{{{hugs}}}}
I always hate it when my kid blindsides me with an "observation" that seems to come from nowhere. This is simply a "WAG", but do you think her observation of what she thought *you* were thinking actually stems from what *she* may be thinking? Not completely aware that she's even thinking it, perhaps, but on some level *she's* worried (seeing as what happened to her with her last bf)? Maybe she's worried and scared and she's putting those feelings on to you.
Like a said, it's just a guess but that's the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post. :)
OMG - you're so right! Yes, I do think she was dealing with her own doubts because at one point, before she flipped on me (lol), she said: "I really think it's kind of stupid - I mean, what is the point?"
Hmmm, food for thought. Thanks for pointing that out as it's usually the case with this dd.
Well, I know a little about misconceptions.
My experience with promise rings goes all the way back to the prehistoric era of my high school days.
It seemed that the rings themselves were more of a "brand" the girl wore so everyone knew she was unavailable and off limits. But it was a huge status symbol for the girls who had one, brand or not.
I'm wondering if the bf, in a passive-agressive sort of way, wants to let it be known that your DD (and perhaps to your DD herself) is off limits to any interesting people she may meet over the summer, and until they meet again in November (read: other young men).
I'm sorry you and your DD had words over this! There are times when we just can't win with our DDs. Last weekend, I suggested to my DD that her black, patent-leather platform pumps weren't the best choice for the cotton strapless sundress she was wearing and I got "Why are you always so critical?"
>>>There are times when we just can't win with our DDs. Last weekend, I suggested to my DD that her black, patent-leather platform pumps weren't the best choice for the cotton strapless sundress she was wearing and I got "Why are you always so critical?">>>
Bwaaahaaaa - that is SOOO my dd17!! last night while packing for her 3 night senior field trip, she had 4 pairs of jammies and she was fishing around in her nightgowns. She pulled out this flimsy little black nightie she bought herself at Kohls last summer - not revealing but sexy in a cute sort of way. All I said was: "You already have fours pairs of pjs in your bag, why do you need a nightie?" and she jammed it back in the drawer and said, "Fine MOM! God! Hello, its MY trip and MY bag and I'M packing for it - do you MIND??" I just laughed and told her to pack what she wanted and left. You know, this is the kid who once 'ran away' with 4 pairs of pants, a bandana, her blanky and the clothes on her back, barefoot in a winter blitz whiteout! And I'm not supposed to oversee her packing for a trip to NJ? Puhleez. Hahaa
It is typical of all people who don't communicate with each other. The next time you talk be very clear on what you mean. Nobody,not even a daughter, is a mind reader.
Call her up & explain that although you like the young man, it is only natural you would be concerned. You are her mom and well Moms worry. It is no reflection on her or her b/f.
She is 19 and now old enough to make decisions about her life. If this young man is the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with, you will support her in that decision.
But caution her to take her time. True love grows with time. If he is the one, waiting will only make their connection stronger.
I have told my daughter to not consider making a committment to any guy until she has finished her education and has supported herself,in her own place, for at least a year or two,if not longer. She owes her future husband a wife that is able to stand on her own two feet. She owes it to herself and to any future children she might have as well.
I have also told my son that he should not consider making a committment to any young woman unless she is able and as shown herself capable of supporting herself. He owes that to her.
I agree with other posters that sometimes (maybe a little more than sometimes) our DDs react out of emotion (their own) than out of thought. Maybe your DD was feeling a little unsure or insecure about this relationship, and alot of things can happen between now and November, and was looking to you for reassurance. Your hesitation may have brought her doubts to the surface - but she can't admit those to you... Alot of emotions all bubbling together.
((HUGS))
Sue
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