Promise Rings?

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Promise Rings?
13
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:44pm

My 19dd is away at college. While there she met a nice young man and they have been exclusive since November I believe. They broke up at one point because my dd was feeling a little boxed in but they got back together. Now, he is away on his internship and she's about ready to go away on hers - they won't see each other until November 1st.

This morning she IM-ed me and said he wants to get Promise Rings in November when she is scheduled to visit him at his home in another state for a week following the internships.

I'm sorry, but I just feel that its a little too soon. I didn't say anything negative, but I guess I wasn't bubbling over with joy when she told me and she got all pissy with me and then said, get this:

"Why can't you ever be happy and accept that I might actually be in a relationship for over a year?"

This question of dd's is completely unfounded. She WAS in a relationship for almost 2 years before she went away to college and we never had a problem with the young man until he cheated on dd with the town 'bike'. Then she almost immediately jumped into this relationship. They took it really slow and we weren't phazed by it because we thought it was just a romance. It became apparent it was more than that and we got to know this BF and he is really nice and we love him. I even commented to my H last week how I thought he might wind up being "the one". You hear all the time about how H's and W's met in college - I think they are a sweet couple.

However, promise rings?? DD is only 19 and he is 21. I just think, "what's the rush?" They will be out of college in a little over two years. Time enough, IMO, but I was't negative or bubbling over and I guess that's what did it for her.

I don't even care about the stupid rings as much as I do about dd's insinuations or misperceptions about me. It upsets me that she assumes what I am feeling or thinking. But I guess that's fairly typical between parents and thier children at times as well.

What do you think?

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:00am

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. My H and I discussed this a littl last evening and he made some really great points.

The first is that this is an extremely busy week for me and I have a lot on my mind - she blindsided me with her comment about the stupid promise rings. My mom was at my sister's this week but then my sister had to have emergency surgery yesterday, so now mom is coming to my house a few days early. The next few days I am preparing for dd17's graduation and party on Saturday, which is drawing exh's family as well as mine - roughly 35 people plus friends and friends of dd's. We will have a houseful. DD17 is on her senior trip so I don't have her around to help me get ready so I am essentially doing it all on my own: cleaning the house, vacuuming and getting the pool ready, picking up the rentals, ordering an picking up the catered foods and cake, etc. And I work a full time job outside the home. On Friday, I have to stop everything I'm doing and meet exh up at dd19's college and move her out of her dorm and bring home all of her stuff adn put it into storage. Meanwhile, my mom is staying in dd19's room, so that means that dd19's crap will be strewn all over dd17's room. Ugh - anyway we won't get back to the house til around 7 and then I have to get back to the party planning stuff. At 3PM on Friday I have to make arrangements for dd17 to be picked up from her senior trip. I just have a lot on my mind. And just as I was typing this, my sister called from the hospital and asked me to go get my mom from her house, so now I will have to leave work and go take care of that. I love having my mom at my house, it's just with everything else, well, I am feeling overwhelmed.

Secondly, My H thinks that so many of our teens and young adults are so used to getting instant reactions out of us that when I didn't instantly react to dd's news about the promise rings she took it negatively, when really, I hardly even commented on it. It kind of caught me off guard and I suppose I was afraid of talking about it too much because I DIDN'T want to be negative!

And lastly, as H pointed out to me, I have always kind of gagged a little when it comes to stuff like "promise rings" or engagement rings. If memory serves, a promise ring was something a guy gave to his gf without actually getting engaged so that all the other guys knew she was essentially 'taken' and that just nauseates me. I don't even really care for engagements rings for the same reason. They are beautiful, etc., but an engagement ring IMO has more to do with making a promise than a promis ring. You're promising to marry that person and if you change your mind, he gets the ring back. But what about the guy? Why doesn't he have something that shows all the ladies that he's taken as well? I just think this is such an antiquated practice and so out of date according to the way I've raised my dds - to be independent and self sufficient before promising themselves to anyone.

My feeling is that dd has to get over this and make her own decisions based on her own feelings, not my reaction. She'll be 20 years old in November and she's made incredible strides in her life, with me guiding her along the way - our communication is great and has always been great. I'm sure I will speak with her today and we may or may not even bring it up. It wasn't a super big deal, I mostly just wanted to hear some of your thoughts. Thanks again~

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:14pm

oh my h&r, how an incredibly busy you are, and you must be feeling really overwhelmed! I got exhausted just reading it!! LOL Just wanted to send {{{hugs}}} and good luck vibes on getting everything accomplished.

I know what you mean on the promise/engagement ring thing--however, I must be honest; when I got my engagement ring, I just wanted the diamond!!! LOL To this day, it's the only diamond I own. :)

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:26pm

>>I just wanted the diamond!!! LOL To this day, it's the only diamond I own. :)>>

Haha - My H made up for it by getting me a diamond wedding band a few years after we were married! I LOVE my diamond wedding band.

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