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| Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:28am |
I'm probably just venting here, but would appreciate any thoughts, insight or advice.
Over the summer, I posted about a friend of DD's, whose mother would force her off the phone whenever she and DD got on, usually after 5-10 minutes. Now, whenever the girl, C, calls DD to make plans, mom always manages breaks it up.
C asked DD to go shopping for homecoming dresses. Mom says she doesn't want to be deprived of this experience. C asked DD to join choir with her. C asked, a week in advance, for a ride home after choir practice one day. Mom shows up 5 minutes before DH to pick up C. The girls go to the same school. It is an hour away from home.
When DD decided to go to this school, I talked to C's mom about a carpool. She blew me off saying 'let's just play it by ear ... if they get involved in things ...'. Turns out, C is doing a carpool with other kids in the community -- just not us and we weren't asked to participate. And the girls ARE getting involved in things, THE SAME THINGS, because C is asking DD to do things with her!
Friends of C's invited DD to join them for dinner before Homecoming. DD accepts. There are several girls from our community that attend this school (but are a year older) and who will be going to the dinner and dance. I tell DD I will be happy to drive them all, I have a vehicle that seats seven. When DD tells this to C, she says, 'I already have a ride'. She doesn't ask DD to ride with her. ??? So it looks as though I will be driving DD ALONE in my car to an event an hour away, wait for them to have dinner, drive her to the dance by herself, and hang around somewhere til it's over, when there will be other parents doing exactly the same thing. With the price of gas being what it is, not to mention the time involved ... why would you not agree to a carpool?
If C doesn't want DD hanging around, why invite her to this stuff? All activity between the girls is being initiated by C, but then ends up being cancelled for some reason because of C's mom. DD rarely, if ever, initiates anything with C anymore.
The only thing I can figure is that, for whatever reason, C's mother doesn't want C to be friends with my DD. Maybe DD is behaving in a way C's mother considers inappropriate, and it's something I am not aware of, but that's pretty unlikely because I know where DD is 24/7 and pretty much what she's doing.
I also considered that C's mother was afraid that since DD wouldn't know anybody on the first day of school that DD would try and 'ride C's coat tails' at school and didn't want C burdened with that responsibility. Truth is, DD decided before school started that she needed friends of her own, and didn't count on C for anything at school, didn't hunt her down at break or lunch, not even the first weeks of school when she didn't know but a few people. DD made her own way meeting people and making friends -- and did a bang-up job, I'd say.
C's mom and I were quite close until recently. I let the friendship go for several reasons that are totally unrelated to C. I would hate to think that I have anything to do with this, since the girls' friendship is something separate.
Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Julie

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Jules, I don't have the same situation as you, but I do understand where you are coming from------the relationship between the parents of teenage friends is an odd one. What if one of the kids makes the other mad, or hurts them? Does that mean as parents the 'friendship' is off? I tend to find people that I like and can relate to, and seek them out---I sometimes feel included, and sometimes not---why? Did I do somthing to alienate them? Did my kid do something that I am clueless about? Do they only accept me because I'm the parent of a kid in that group? It's almost as bad as being back in high school ourselves! I've just decided (after our Tues night game) to quit the game----I'll speak to whomever, I'll socialize with whomever, and I'll most certainly be myself and not put on airs, and what shall be shall be................if the 'other' parents decide to not include me, I will try my damdest to not feel hurt. I detest the putting on airs and 'one upping' the other parent----one mom told me on Tuesday that she had often thought about having some sort of large party for the kids, but after the homecoming 'after' party, there was no way she'd have one because she feared it wouldn't be as 'good' or 'elaborate' as the one they already went to? HOOEY!! In my book a bag of chips, some soft drinks and a tv constitutes a party! WHO FREAKING CARES if there are tents, red carpets and marilyn monroe manniquins to pose with (Homecoming was themed 'breaking out the red carpet)............This is a mother I've always ALWAYS felt like she looked 'down' on me----and I totally lost respect for her with that conversation----who gives a rat's behind who's party is 'better'. If you are making an effort to have kids gather and have a safe, fun time, then who cares? Anyway, I could go on for years about the whole who is better than whom social crisis!
Anyway, back to your situation, I would be concerned, however, that there is a whole 'carpool' situation happening and somehow you've been left out of the loop---it goes beyond 'who likes who' and is your DD's friends' mom shunning you---it is basic consideration--if a group of kids needs to be shuttled an hour away, then it makes perfect sense for EVERYONE that wants to be involved to be included! I think personally, I'd contact the parents of some of the OTHER kids in the carpool group and offer your services...........if you have a 7 passenger vehicle, I'd say you'd be a welcome asset to ANY carpooling situation. I'd bypass C and her mother and go on to the other kids families and make your own arrangements as well. If C happens to end up with you one night, then fine, but I'd definately be trying to take advantage of any carpooling I could! The other families may not even know you have a keen interest in helping out AND taking advantage of carpooling............
Good luck with this one---the parent politics are difficult and silly---but they are everywhere.............
Shels
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If only every mom thought like you do. But they don't, and I just posted on another board regarding this EXACT same thing. The OP and her friend had a falling out and the OP doesn't want her kids hanging out with her ex-friend's kids anymore.
It's nuts, but my guess would be just that.
cc
I sort of hoped that as adults the sillyness of friendships would go by the wayside, and it apparently hasn't. I suppose my maturity level needs some work as I get hurt by the slights of others------
Isn't it sad that we can see what 'clique' type relationships do to our kids, but some still can't see what it does to adult relationships?
Shels
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Yes, yes, yes. And vice versa.
cc
I agree with Catmomma Julie, it has everything to do with this. Sad to say, some parents see their kids as an extension of themselves. I find it much harder to remain friends with moms when my kids and their kid have a "falling out", just because we don't have the opportunities to be around each other, etc...but I would never exclude someone based on our kids having a falling out. I definitely think you're not being paranoid, you are being purposely excluded and singled out because of your falling out and it's very malicious, IMHO. No matter how completely unfair it is to dd, it is what it is.
The opposite happened to me. My dd had a very good and close friendship with a girl we'll call M. M and my dd were practically inseperable. I thought they were good for each other; M's family was alot like our own in our values, faith, etc. I absolutely adored M's mother; we started to become close. At one point, M. and dd had a falling out and we helped them resolve the issue; they became closer than ever. All of a sudden, they began to grow apart again, for no apparent reason. M. found other friends, and dd wound up finding H. and the rest has been downhill IMHO since then. I've tried to let it go, but there is a part of me that feels anger toward M's mother because I do wonder if she discouraged the intense friendship with dd. There were a couple of things that led me to believe that. She was also a mom who liked to keep her kids close to her at all times. She had her kids on the path to private high schools, we just want our kids to be happy and prefer to have them go to the schools that we pay for with our hard earned money. In any case, I know I can't blame her but still, sometimes...
I suggest that you have a heart to heart with the mom, raising the issues of your own friendship and why you drifted apart. Let her know that you're hurt that she's taking it out on dd. I know how hard this will be, but do it for dd.
Shels, We live in what has got to be the cliquiest(sp) community on the planet. Trust me, I've had a NUMBER of hurt feelings of the years! After seven years here, and in spite of my best efforts, I don't even need fingers to count the number of friends I have, because I can't say I have any. Oh, I've got lots of acquaintances, and I'm the person everyone calls when they need or want something, but that's as far as it goes. The 'better than you' attitude spirals all the way down to the tiniest of tots and it's there pretty much when they start kindergarten. I spent most of the last six years wondering what I've done wrong. I've lived all over the world, travelled, etc., and have never had trouble making friends -- and then we moved here. I was pretty convinced there was something wrong with ME. DD thought there was something wrong with her too, until she started high school in a completely different community and discovered that she is okay after all, pretty well liked and has made a lot of friends. That convinced me that the problem is this town. This is the weekend that the whole family will be gone and there is not one person I feel I can call and say "Hey, I'm a free woman this weekend. Wanna go to dinner and a movie?" Pretty sad, huh?
Well, as far as the school carpool goes, I'm happy with the current situation after all. DH takes her in the morning on his way to his office, she has quiet time to read, study, do makeup, etc. It's a nice way for her to get going. She stays after school until DH gets off of work and has met a ton of people in the library and hanging around school. She said that her group of friends in the library is now so large that she has a hard time getting any homework done -- people sit with her, come up to visit, etc. She really enjoys that aspect of her school life and would probably not know so many people than if she came rushing right home at 2:00. Plus, DH gets to hear a first-hand account of her day on the drive home and it has helped them stay connected. A girl needs a good relationship with her daddy, ya' know?
But as far as this dance goes, it would sure be nice if I wasn't driving just one person all that way. I like your idea and think I'll have DD get the names and numbers of some of the other girls in town and offer my services. It seems completely silly for me to drive only one girl when I have room for so many more. Thanks for the suggestions.
Julie
Edited 10/6/2005 6:36 pm ET ET by julesnalpine
Well, I sure hoped that wasn't the case but it kinda looks like it, doesn't it?
At first, I thought mom was maybe trying to cover for C. C is 18 months olds than DD (DD isn't even yet 14; C was 15 last spring) and maybe C she felt she was outgrowing DD, no longer enjoyed her company, didn't want to be bothered with a freshman, whatever. I can understand that. But since C is the one initiating all this stuff to do with DD, I don't think that's the case.
Funny thing is, C's mom told me over the summer that she 'really liked my kids'. But now, she sure seems to be trying hard to limit the amount of time C spends in the company of DD. (She has always been very possessive about C.) I have to wonder if DD has done something in the presence of C that has caused mom to be concerned? I can't imagine what that could be since DD didn't see C much over the summer and was in a serious social slump. I mean, she definitely wasn't out carousing or anything -- she was home! I doubt if she's spreading ugly gossip or tales on IM, since she's not home enough to spend much time doing that, and she's got WAY to much homework anyway.
I guess it's just a good thing DD isn't depending on C for friendship -- she's got plenty of new friends she seems to enjoy more. She isn't even planning on hanging with these girls once she gets to the dance. And, I'm not inclined to call the mom and talk. I purposely let the friendship die and this doesn't seem like a good enough reason to start it up again. I suggested to DD that she try and get some of her other friends together for a pre-dance dinner, but she said 'I already said I'd go with these girls. Wouldn't it be rude for me to ditch them because I decided to do something else or got a better offer?' Guess she has more class than me.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Julie
AWWW, Jules, I feel for you! I tried to talk to a couple of moms last night about this topic, and got NOWHERE------I DETEST the gossipy gossipy folks (I mean I gossip, but I try my best to not be hurtful, and only truly 'gossip' with my 2 dearest friends so hopefully it won't be spread)----but anyway, I was picking up DS from football practice and casually brought this up in conversation---and got nowhere--they didn't seem interested.
I am overweight(very much so)---I wasn't as a young person, so my looks have dramatically changed. My whole self image is all screwed up, and I feel relatively happy on the inside---but I worry incessently about what 'others' think, and how or if I measure up---we have money issues---and of course it 'appears' that nobody else does..........so I live with wanting to be accepted and fit in, but on the flip side, I have no interest in being all 'friendsy friendsy' with these people who seem to judge others at the drop of a hat (not including these moms from last night---they are super)---it is frustrating, and almost as bad as the insecurity of high school, and although weight wasn't an issue, I really WANTED to be in the ultra popular group---looking back now, I realize I was fine where I was, and the people that WERE NOT ultra popular are the ones I have the most fun talking to at our reunion type get togethers. The ultra popular continue even at 40 to hang amongst themselves, and although they say hello--they don't engage in conversation. I sometimes wish I could walk up and explain that being fat isn't contagious, but I don't dare--I also know this is THEIR issue, not mine...........
I do have 2 wonderful friends---one co-worker and one mom of my DS's friends-----we've developed a tight relationship, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, and in addition to my husband, parents and my one lifetime best friend that lives in Boston-----thousands of miles from me, I would trust them with ANYTHING. So I'm fortunate.
Jules, I'd be willing to bet some of your casual friends would be thrilled to have you call and want to grab a cup of coffee or a quick bite to eat............hypothetically, if it were me, I'd probably be to afraid of looking 'needy' to approach you frequently, so you probably would think I was standoffish, but if you called, and wanted to hang out, I'd probably act like a kid with the prospect of a new 'friend' to add to my list!!
Are you involved with a church group, or other groups like PTA or do you work outside the home where you could call a nice co-worker to have dinner? It is HARD HARD HARD to feel like you'll be rejected, but friendship starts at both ends.........
When you first posted and asked what to do with your weekend, I was going to suggest a 'slumber party', and didn't realize you were in the situation you are in....I didn't suggest it, because I know I couldn't call enough for a 'slumber party' and besides everyone has kids, etc.........but maybe a quick dinner, or a walk thru a mall or a fitness walk thru a park would be an ice breaker with one of your more casual acquaintences.........
This whole 'perfect' thing really gets stuck in my craw sometimes.............and my own self image thing doesn't help---I percieve all 'slights' as being related to my weight---whether they are or not.......it is a sick cycle that I am trying very hard to break. I need to learn to be myself and realize I'm alot of fun (cause I am!!) and it is their loss if they aren't interested in pursuing a relationship.........I have a wonderful hubby, 2 healthy kids, both my parents and 3 of my grandparents..............I'm a lucky girl!
I don't know how this turned into such a self revealing post, but I think you should call someone that you know distantly, but like, and see if they want to do something casual on your weekend alone!! I bet there is someone just like you that wishes they had more female friendships---and would be tickled pink at the prospect of 'doing' somthing.
Hugs,
Shels
Remeber the post about helicopter parents? I think C's mom is a classic case. Recognize that = most likely - this has very little to do with you or your dd and everything to do with mom's need to control.
I didn't read the other posts, so I apologize if I'm repeating. Just my opinion.
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