Question about dd dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Question about dd dating
14
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:25pm

Hi Everyone. I don't post very often but lurk every now and then and really respect the opinions and advice of the posters, so I'm hoping that you can help me with a question I have.

My dd is 16 and hasn't really "dated" that much. She usually hangs out with her girlfriends and guyfriends on the weekends. My dd hasn't really had a serious boyfriend, which is fine with me (no need to rush) :-). Anyway, my dd and some of her friends have been asked a few times to attend dances at a private boys school in our area which they have attended and had fun. At the dances, there are girls from other private girls schools who attend as well. My dd goes to a public high school. Anyway, she became friendly with one of the boys at one of the private school dances who asked her to go to a movie last night. He told her that he had hockey practice beforehand and then they could meet at the movies. Either my dh or I planned to bring our dd to the movie so one of us could meet her date. Well, about an hour before they were supposed to meet, he texted my dd and said that he didn't think there were any good movies playing and would she like to come to his school instead and watch a movie in the common room for the evening. I have to admit that I was a bit uncomfortable with this and told her that I really would feel more comfortable if they could just stick with the original plan. My dd told her date that her mom didn't really feel comfortable with the new plan and that they could do something the next weekend when they could go to a movie. (By this time, it was almost 8:00 and getting late so going to the movies or out for a bite to eat was not going to happen). I really kind of felt bad that I made the evening not work out for her but still felt in my heart that it wasn't right for her date to change the plans at the last minute. I really didn't feel comfortable with my dd hanging out at the school in the common room with a boy she really doesn't know well yet. If she had a girlfriend(s) going with her, I may have felt more at ease about the situation.

Actually, my dd didn't seem to mind too much that the plans changed...I think that she wasn't that comfortable either with new plans for the evening. Interestingly, my dh felt that she should go and that I shouldn't hold her back too much; that we can't hold her back forever. I think he may be concerned that I may be acting too overprotective and that our dd has to grow up a little bit and go out and experience dating, etc. This is kind of surprising for me since I always thought he would be the more protective parent. I just don't know how much supervision is provided at private schools if they're just "hanging out" and don't want to put her in a situation that is too overwhelming or uncomfortable. So, my question is...do you think I did the right thing by telling dd that I didnt' feel comfortable with her going to his school for the evening? Your advice is really appreciated.

Thank you!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 10:31pm

I think its always best to go with your instincts. Since the plans changed at the last minute you and your daughter didn't have a chance to get enough information to make an informed decision. Maybe you could have driven her over there and checked things out but if you didn't like the supervision it could have been uncomfortable making her leave once she was there.

I'm always leery of last minute changes of plans, but that might be because I used that tactic when I was young, LOL

Jane

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:01am

Having a son (not trying to stereotype boys!), I can say that I'm sure the boy just intended to go to the movies with her and didn't take the time to figure out which one and at what time, and then once he did get around to looking, there wasn't anything he was interested in, thus he went to Plan B at the school. I can see my ds doing that (right now just with guy buddies; he's not dating yet) as they don't plan ahead that well either - sometimes they'll just say let's meet at the mall at 2 and decide what movie to see. So I really think the whole thing was innocent, if that boy is anything like ds and his bunch.

But if your dd or you felt uncomfortable, I think I would've just said let's reschedule for next week - let me know what movie, what time, etc. and put the onus on him to firm things up the next chance.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:15am

I think I'd view the school location as a more favorable place for the kids to meet, knowing that most schools do not open their doors unless there is supervision. Some of the posts on this website have noted incidents of drinking in public movie theatres, something I consider pretty bold and would not expect our HS kids to do. As for the last minute change of plans, as OP said, it's quite common among our boys who never plan ahead.

Because your DD didn't seem to mind skipping it this time, it's no big deal that you talked her out of it. They can still get together another weekend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:05am
Big thanks to those who have replied. I do appreciate it...especially from moms of boys since it's nice to get your idea on what might have been happening that evening. You may be right that since he was busy with hockey pracices, etc., he may not have gotten around to making any plans until the last minute. I guess I would have felt more comfortable with her going to the school if she had a friend going with her...strength in numbers so to speak. Well, we'll see if they get together this weekend or not. She was going a little crazy after she said no to coming 'cause he kept IMing her asking her to take a cab over to the school so that she could come. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:14am

My kids are in public school but what struck me about this post was the movie at school on a weekend night? Ive not heard of that. Is that something private schools do? How on earth do you choose a movie all parents would approve of(I remember trying to do this for Cub Scouts)?

Would you be comfortable calling the school and asking if this really happened?

Sounds suspicious to me but, not knowing the school, Id want to find out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:31am
Chiming in a bit late here but I think you were right to go with your instinct.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:53am
Hi. I'm apologize...I may note too clear about the movie at the private school. My dd date said that she could go over to his school (private school) and they would hang out in the common room and watch a movie. TBH, I wasn't too worried about the particular movie being shown...more concerned that she is basically in the dorm with a bunch of guys watching a movie. I did ask her if they would be hanging out in his room (I wouldn't approve of that at all) but she told me that girls aren't allowed in the boys' dorm rooms. But then later, she told me that one of her girlfriends had tried to sneak up to boyfriend's room when she was visiting the school (my dd wasn't there) and she was caught. So, I was a bit worried that this might happen too. I don't know...I remember so much of what I did in high school, college, etc., that I know what can happen. Plus, I was concerned about my dd being in a situation that might become uncomfortable. Thank you for asking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:58am
Thanks so much. I'm feeling a whole lot better about my decision since getting feedback. Yes, the private school is a boarding school here in CT. The movie would have been shown in a "common" room in the dorm; not in the cafeteria. It probably would have basically been sitting around and watching TV. I really want her to enjoy meeting a nice guy and going to a movie or out for a bite to eat, but hanging out at an all boys school (co-ed would have even sounded better) by herself, just didn't sound good.
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:22am

Actually our public HS has some clubs that'll throw some club fundraiser movies - some have been in the auditorium and I've noted one in the fall that was against a screen put on the side of the school outside; they served hot chocolate! I don't think they've shown anything worse than PG-13.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:19pm

I definitely agree with this. I read a book once that stressed the importance of learning to trust our instincts. Basically, it states that God gave us instincts for a reason - to protect us! I think that was an excellent call.

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