Question about dd dating
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 8:25pm |
Hi Everyone. I don't post very often but lurk every now and then and really respect the opinions and advice of the posters, so I'm hoping that you can help me with a question I have.
My dd is 16 and hasn't really "dated" that much. She usually hangs out with her girlfriends and guyfriends on the weekends. My dd hasn't really had a serious boyfriend, which is fine with me (no need to rush) :-). Anyway, my dd and some of her friends have been asked a few times to attend dances at a private boys school in our area which they have attended and had fun. At the dances, there are girls from other private girls schools who attend as well. My dd goes to a public high school. Anyway, she became friendly with one of the boys at one of the private school dances who asked her to go to a movie last night. He told her that he had hockey practice beforehand and then they could meet at the movies. Either my dh or I planned to bring our dd to the movie so one of us could meet her date. Well, about an hour before they were supposed to meet, he texted my dd and said that he didn't think there were any good movies playing and would she like to come to his school instead and watch a movie in the common room for the evening. I have to admit that I was a bit uncomfortable with this and told her that I really would feel more comfortable if they could just stick with the original plan. My dd told her date that her mom didn't really feel comfortable with the new plan and that they could do something the next weekend when they could go to a movie. (By this time, it was almost 8:00 and getting late so going to the movies or out for a bite to eat was not going to happen). I really kind of felt bad that I made the evening not work out for her but still felt in my heart that it wasn't right for her date to change the plans at the last minute. I really didn't feel comfortable with my dd hanging out at the school in the common room with a boy she really doesn't know well yet. If she had a girlfriend(s) going with her, I may have felt more at ease about the situation.
Actually, my dd didn't seem to mind too much that the plans changed...I think that she wasn't that comfortable either with new plans for the evening. Interestingly, my dh felt that she should go and that I shouldn't hold her back too much; that we can't hold her back forever. I think he may be concerned that I may be acting too overprotective and that our dd has to grow up a little bit and go out and experience dating, etc. This is kind of surprising for me since I always thought he would be the more protective parent. I just don't know how much supervision is provided at private schools if they're just "hanging out" and don't want to put her in a situation that is too overwhelming or uncomfortable. So, my question is...do you think I did the right thing by telling dd that I didnt' feel comfortable with her going to his school for the evening? Your advice is really appreciated.
Thank you!!!

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I think its always best to go with your instincts. Since the plans changed at the last minute you and your daughter didn't have a chance to get enough information to make an informed decision. Maybe you could have driven her over there and checked things out but if you didn't like the supervision it could have been uncomfortable making her leave once she was there.
I'm always leery of last minute changes of plans, but that might be because I used that tactic when I was young, LOL
Jane
Having a son (not trying to stereotype boys!), I can say that I'm sure the boy just intended to go to the movies with her and didn't take the time to figure out which one and at what time, and then once he did get around to looking, there wasn't anything he was interested in, thus he went to Plan B at the school. I can see my ds doing that (right now just with guy buddies; he's not dating yet) as they don't plan ahead that well either - sometimes they'll just say let's meet at the mall at 2 and decide what movie to see. So I really think the whole thing was innocent, if that boy is anything like ds and his bunch.
But if your dd or you felt uncomfortable, I think I would've just said let's reschedule for next week - let me know what movie, what time, etc. and put the onus on him to firm things up the next chance.
Sue
I think I'd view the school location as a more favorable place for the kids to meet, knowing that most schools do not open their doors unless there is supervision. Some of the posts on this website have noted incidents of drinking in public movie theatres, something I consider pretty bold and would not expect our HS kids to do. As for the last minute change of plans, as OP said, it's quite common among our boys who never plan ahead.
Because your DD didn't seem to mind skipping it this time, it's no big deal that you talked her out of it. They can still get together another weekend.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
My kids are in public school but what struck me about this post was the movie at school on a weekend night? Ive not heard of that. Is that something private schools do? How on earth do you choose a movie all parents would approve of(I remember trying to do this for Cub Scouts)?
Would you be comfortable calling the school and asking if this really happened?
Sounds suspicious to me but, not knowing the school, Id want to find out
Actually our public HS has some clubs that'll throw some club fundraiser movies - some have been in the auditorium and I've noted one in the fall that was against a screen put on the side of the school outside; they served hot chocolate! I don't think they've shown anything worse than PG-13.
Sue
I definitely agree with this. I read a book once that stressed the importance of learning to trust our instincts. Basically, it states that God gave us instincts for a reason - to protect us! I think that was an excellent call.
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