A question with all this sex talk going

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
A question with all this sex talk going
12
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:37pm

I've only got girls. DD14 is oldest and doesn't have a bf. She isn't really looking for one, but I figure at least until she drives we're safe. I know with our kids we're not really concerned with making it comfortable for them if the're going to be sexually active. Just that they stay safe at it. And, with boys, I'm sure every time they will be enjoying it.

Those of you who have girls, or spoke with your girls, or plan to even.... Is the girl's enjoyment of the acts part of your discussion at all? As adults we all know that it's sometimes difficult for some women to enjoy the acts. Is a woman's right to fulfillment included in your discussions? Not to say that I want my DD to be with a boy who's experienced enough to even know what will help her enjoy it, but I don't want her to feel like she's only there for a guy's pleasure either. KWIM?

Is this kind of thing something that you don't talk about, you talk about after it's already begun (to try to get them to stop), or something you should talk about up front. I've been thinking and since we're doing Biology next year, it might be something I have an open & upfront discussion with her about. Kind of arm her before she does something she may regret in the future. But, I'm looking to see what everyone else thinks.

Thanks!

Sallie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:53pm

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At 15? Her enjoyment is of absolutely NO concern at all. If my DD were sexually active now, what WOULD concern me is birth control, prevention of STDs and her emotional well-being (i.e., not feeling used) NOT if she has an orgasm or enjoys it.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:11pm
Interesting...I would never have thought of that. I guess I'm "with" the above poster - if she's too young to be having sex (in my opinion), I'm not exactly thinking about whether or not she "enjoys" it. And while I do want my children to NOT just 'be there for the guy' as you mention (great point!) it just feels wrong somehow to be talking about that. Her sexual enjoyment is none of my business (and actually the thought of discussing it creeps me out a bit. I certainly can't imagine asking my mom if SHE enjoys sex, LOL). I think it is well enough covered by the idea of "DON'T ever agree to have sex for any reason other than that YOU want to and are ready."
besides - isn't that sort of a trial and error and practice makes perfect sort of thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:04pm

I'm with the pp's, I don't plan on discussing now or

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 5:59pm
I'm with you Marie - not only do I not want to have any discussion as to whether my children are enjoying sex (ok, I have 3 boys, so chances are that they are), but I will never be party to that kind of discussion with ANYONE with my DIL in the room either! That's just too wierd!
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 6:34pm

I just can't picture this. Way too creepy.
From an early age, it was tough enough to buck the current societal tide and convince my DD that her safety and responsibility IS indeed my business. Drinking, drugs, driving, personal safety, AND sex all fall into the fair game discussion category. If she can't discuss it, she's too young to experience it.
What enjoyment she would get out of it is clearly none of my business, nor am I interested.
If I were, I would need some serious help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:41pm

Okay, I guess I'm the odd woman out, again. I think you make a very good point, and as I was reading all the posts about teen sex I thought back to my first experiences, and how it took quite a while before I reached that first big O. I think it is important to stress to our teens, both girls and boys, that it is not the girl's job to please her boyfriend sexually, and that those partners who engage in the act should feel mutually satisfied. Also, from what I hear and see these days, it seems that blow jobs are becoming an acceptable form of petting, and when it's only the guy who is on the receiving end, it DOES dehumanize women.

When I caught younger DS at age 15 looking at porn (all blow jobbing with none of the guys' faces showing, only the girls') we did have a discussion about how the girls must feel, why they'd film only the girls' faces, how that girl would get a real job someday if the videos became public, etc. That is an extreme case, but sometimes discussing the extremes is necessary to get the point across. We hope that if our teens are sexually active, they are feeling safe doing it and that they feel love toward their partners; but with all the peer pressure weighing on them, and sometimes male-dominance pressure on the girls, I doubt that it is always the case. We SHOULD be discussing the pleasure aspect, if only to emphasize that if they feel even slightly pressured, or the least bit uneasy, it is the wrong thing to be doing.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:46pm

Thanks everyone for input. It's not that I want her to do it. I'd just be tickled absolutly hot pink if she waited until after college and was in a very stable & committed, if not married relationship. I'm not really squeemish about the sex talk. It's just like doing a lot of other things, like picking where you go on dates, and how you spend your time, it all needs to be a two-way street. And, I'm pretty well sure (at least when I did start) that sex in the beginning is really all about the boy. Girls mature faster than boys physically, but women are usually behind men in figuring out what is pleasurable to them. Which would be an incentive to wait to have sex at a later age. KWIM?

Is there some way that we can get girls to understand that there's more too it than just doing the act. Dont' misunderstand me, I do not want to tell her HOW to enjoy it. But arm her with the knowledge that there's usually more to it than just what's probably going to happen during quickie sex.

I'm really trying to figure out a way to encourage her to wait.

Thanks for opinions!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:17pm
I see your point. Perhaps some of this information may be used as an incentive to wait.
I think girls first experiences are often times not quite what they envision and boys inexperience can make them clumsy, awkward and 'cough' it's over practically after the underwear hits the floor...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:30pm
I only have boys and NO I don't really care if casual teenage sex is enjoyable for them or their partners.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:18pm

Good for you, Sallie.

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