Question for Parents of 14 year olds

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Question for Parents of 14 year olds
10
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 7:02am
Do you allow your teen to visit their boy-friend or girl-friends house on weekends?

I allowed my DD to have her boy-friend over on Saturday(s) and now she thinks that every weekend they should be allowed to visit each-other. Approx 3-4 hours at my house or I take them to the mall.

This pass weekend I allowed her to visit his house for 1 hour. (first time) I didn't not want to do this but I had to trust her. (His parents where there)

The problem I have now .... she, my 14 yo DD thinks they should spend time with eachother every weekend (on Saturday) Do you allow this? What do you think about 14 year old spending 3-4 hours with each-other outside of school? I know they need time to get to know each-other but ...... is it too soon? are they too young?

Thanks for your advice,

Cyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 10:34am
I have a 14 year old son. He does spend a lot of time on the phone and on line with girls. He will go visit a friend's house and I don't time it - but, sure he could be there for 3 or 4 hours. He usually will go on his own, if it's late at night I'll pick him up when it's time for him to come home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 11:11am
My dd has yet to go to her b/f's house, but he lives in a town 40 mins away, so it's never been an issue. Usually when they get together, they go to a movie or watch a movie in our basement. They only see each usually once per week, and it's usually for 2 to 3 hours. I try not to be too strict b/c I know at this age they can be very sneaky, and if I say no, they'll see each other behind my back. (I learned the hard way with my 16 yo dd.)

Kathy

dd 16 yo

dd 14 yo

ds 13 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:11pm
Is it one-on-one? I know my 13 1/2 ds spends his weekends with his friends. Another boy and 2 girls. They come over to my house for a while, hang out in our very small downtown, go to someone else's house, maybe go to a movie. They are boyfriend/girlfriends though. They're just friends. Let's face it, our kids are at an age when they would much rather be with their friends than their boring parents. LOL!

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:52pm
LOL - I just got done answering your post on the Parent-to-Parent Advice board:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psp2padvice&msg=889.2&ctx=0

Pam



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:00pm
I would encourage your daughter to see her boyfriend in a group of other kids. Maybe you can take them to the movies, or out for pizza, or something like that. I don't think I would want my daughter (also 14) to think she could get together one on one with her boyfriend every week-end. Personally, I think they are too young for that. A group is a sort of safety net, and allows them to see other friends.
Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:27pm
THank YOU all. Great replies.

This is one of those battles ... I must fight and win!

Thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 11:14pm
As the parent, you have to do what works best for you and your ds.

My ds is 14.9 and has been dating a 17 year old for the past 3 months. They live in different cities (we live in Chicago and she lives in Evanston) and go to different schools, so their contact is pretty much limited to phone and IM except on weekends. But even then, it's like him seeing any other friend. He has to have all his chores and homework done, or he doesn't go anywhere. Usually some of his friends and/or her friends will hang with them anyway, while they go to the mall or to the movies or to concerts.

He HAS been to her house two-three times; each time the parents were there and the dad made dinner for all of them. She's been to our house a couple of times as well, and just hung out watching videos with us. (She showed up early on Easter Sunday morning to ask if ds wanted to go to church with her and her parents; I had to laugh because ds was sound asleep and is a real BEAR to wake up, and we're not church-goers anyway. It was a nice thought though.)

Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:10am
I just learned that my 14yo dd had a boyfriend about 2 weeks ago.

I guess they had been "dating" at the library or at the movies or McDonalds.

My father found them holding hands at the library across the table and kissing (pecking)

So, they had been 'going behind my back' and I'm certain it is because of my standing 'no dating until you are 15 rule'.

Last week she asked me if he could come over for dinner so I could meet him.

I told her yes because I don't want her to go behind my back - I want her to feel comfortable, so I guess I need to be a little flexible on that rule.

Anyway, last night I found out that they broke up.

The reason is because he looks at & talks to too many other girls.

The kicker is that she said that she was okay because she isn't into being monogamous!!!!

So, I read that to be she isn't ready for a steady boyfriend - which works for me given that she is only 14. The boys call her constantly which is okay and maybe the bf got a sense of that, too and isn't overly bothered about the breakup.

Anyway, just my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:40am
I agree with what a lot of the other parents have posted.I have allowed my 14 year old to go to her BF's house as long as there is parental supervision. He has also been here.At age 14 many kids would probably just go to a friends house and not mention any visits with a bf/gf and just go behind their parents back if they thought that was the only way. It is a very difficult age. They are just begining to gain thier "freedom". I hope that by allowing my dd small amounts of freedom, she will be more inclined to tell me what she is doing and who she is with. At least by letting her go to bf's house, I know where she really is. I also have let her and a couple friends meet up with boys at the bowling alley. The rule for her is no riding in any car driven by anyone other than the designated driving parent. So far this has worked. The gang wanted to leave the bowling alley and go to another hangout... one of the kids was old enough to drive but she simply stated to her friends "I am not allowed to ride with you" she called me and I drove her and the other girls to our house. The older kid and his friends drove here, checked in with thier parents then they all watched a movie. So at least for now this system seems to be working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:48pm
ROFL - something similar happened here this spring. DS15 had been invited to the vice versa dance, which meant they were 'going out' (meaning they hung out in the band room in the morning before school and talked at martial arts club). A week or so after the dance he asked if he could invite her over to watch a video one night. DH and I talked it over and decided even though he was a few months short of 16 we would let him if it was OK with her folks. I told him the next day that it would be OK with us and by then it was too late - they'd already broken up! At this age if you can schedule the 'date' far enough in advance chances are it will never come about since the romances are often over so quickly!

Pam



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