question teens and their friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
question teens and their friends
5
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 4:29pm

((I posted this below, but I'm guessing it's a slow forum))))

anyways.....This might seem like a no brainer question, but I am a terribly indecisive wishy-washy
parent, and I need to know what other people would do in this situation.
I have a 16yo DD who has befriended a group of girls (2 years younger) that live
in a neighboring town. I should add that she is part of the "emo" or "scene" crowd,
Anyways...
Long story short, I discovered that while hanging around with them, she had tried/started smoking, and smoked pot on at least one occasion. (I found out because they videotaped and
STUPIDLY posted it on youtube!) Also found out that they had some 18 yo guy friend that would "drive them places" yes, my stomach just lurched! Well, after I discovered the videos, I told her I didn't want her hanging out with them. I didn't trust them, didn't trust her.
So my question is, do I pull the plug and say you cannot ever hang out with them again,
or do I keep it to a limit (like just meeting at the mall) ~~because I'm afraid if I completely say NO, then she will
resort to lying and sneaking around just to see them. I know, my mothers' RED FLAG is flapping away and I suppose I know the answer.

But what do you think? What would you do??

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 4:48pm
Hi and welcome to the board. Sorry about not replying earlier - we often forget to look in the folders down below! I do think that forbidding the friendship completely might backfire but I'd keep a close eye on things. I'd encourage your dd to have the girls over to spend time at your home so you can get to know them (and keep an eye on things). I certainly think it's completely appropriate to 'ground' her from them for awhile; she has proved to make poor choices while with them. Once she does earn some the privilege of spending some time with them you can do it gradually. In the meantime I'd encourage her other, more healty friendships - hopefully she'll grow tired of these girls soon and move on, at least once school starts.


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

CL:
Pam
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 5:54pm

I would stop it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:31am

thanks for your replies!
I am not feeling so clueless afterall!....
I have done exactly what you both suggested!
Only thing, tho is that I have have not had the girls over...unfortunately we live in a small town and there is nothing to do. (not even a McDonalds! to hang out in) and
nobody wants to come out here. Also, they're all smokers, and I would not allow them to smoke in my home.

She is driving, but has her driving privileges taken away due to a little
drive (150 miles!!!!!) she took/fender bender she had. looooong story.
So I am the one (or another friend's Mom) who takes her there. Because of that
it's easy to say No, but I have gradually allowed her to meet them at the mall.

Actually my next step is that we're getting cell phones with family locator on them
because my trust for her has gone into the toilet. (see 150 mile joy ride--to meet a boy from MYSpace!!!)

When I posted my question, she was at one of the girls' house for a sleepover. ~which I was uneasy with, hence my post~ When she called the next day, she was somewhere else, and said that she forgot to call and let me know. That doesn't sit well with me, ya know.

I am hoping that she will grow out of them....I don't understand why a kid in highschool wants to hang out with girls in JrHigh. ??

I can just feel the gray hairs poppin thru!!

thanks again! I hate second guessing myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:54am
Just playing the devil's advocate here, maybe the other parents are saying my girls never used to do those things until they started hanging around with _____(your daughter). My only point is that whether we are teenagers or adults, we sometimes have friends that do things that we don't approve of, and we have to learn how to extricate ourselves from those "bad" situations when they occur but we still may want to be friends with those people. If I were in your shoes I'd be more concerned about teaching your daughter how to handle peer pressure than forcing her out of the relationship with those girls at this point. And if your daughter sees that these girls are continually making bad choices, then she may drift away from that crowd on her own. Just keep reinforcing with your daughter what your expectaions are for her and keep the communication going, good luck, and be willing to put some consequences in place for her bad choices if you need to. Just my thoughts. Barb
Mom to Allsion 4/11/90 and Jenny 3/6/92
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:26pm

I'm not sure how to phrase my response without sounding too harsh. If you are experiencing situations where your child is meeting with someone over the internet (especially MySpace), you must begin to take control now. It will only progress as she becomes older. A 16 year old should not be permitted to use the car that alllows her to go on "joy rides". If you don't curb this at 16, you will find the problems magnified at 17, 18 and so on.

Be careful with cell phone usage too. Not only is it extremely costly (she can touch base with people over the internet using her cell phone, etc.), the "locator" factor is a mute point if she's 150 miles away.

I would not suggest that she not see these girls as kids have a way of going around it. I would definitely curtail the sleepovers until she can prove herself. Both my daughters agreed with me that it was during the sleepovers that trouble happens (I don't mean to say ALL sleepovers).

Please try to keep the lines of communication open but at the same time, SET LIMITS. If you don't, you will be setting yourself up for a few more years of sleepless nights and stressful days.