Questions for New Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Questions for New Boyfriend
19
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 2:50pm

My 15 year old daughter has a new boyfriend. Her last one was very innocent and seemed more interested in hanging out, watching movies with her and playing video games and there was always a parent present, but this one is older (17) and seems more ‘experienced’. His MySpace has pictures of him drinking and partying with friends and is littered with curse words. I want to restrict her from seeing him, but everyone tells me to stop smothering her. I said she cannot go out with this boy until we meet him and now I have a myriad of questions I want to ask him when I do.

What are you intentions – how do you plan to spend your time with her?
Do you drive – do you have your own car?
Tell me about your family – parents married, siblings, etc…?
Where do you live?
Do you participate in Sports?
Do you participate in Music in school or out?
Academics – what classes do you take? AP, languages, etc…
What grade are you in school – junior or senior
What are your college plans?
What are your career plans?
Have you taken the ACTs/SATs?
Work – how long have you worked? Where? What do you do?
How old are you? When is your birthday? – When do you turn 18?
Is your family religious – do you attend church? Do you believe in God?
Have you had a lot of girlfriends? How long do the relationships usually last?
Do you drink? Do your parents know? Do they allow you to drink?
Have you taken Drugs – if so which ones? Do your parents know? Do they allow you?
Have you had Sex? Do you regularly? Do you intend to with my daughter?
Have you ever been arrested? If so, for what?

Do you think these are ‘out of line’?
If so, which ones?

* I found out the other day that she lost her virginity in December (when she was 14) to some random boy when she told her father he was just a friend she was going to study with, so that is why I am a bit paranoid now.

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Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:10pm

I think that any of those questions that you would think ok for a parent of a boy to ask your daughter is fair game. You say she lost her virginity to a random boy....I would want to "grill" your daughter. you may just want to treat this boy the way you would want your daughter to be treated. JMHO.

Julie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:12pm

It's not that any of your questions are out of line, per se, it's just....well, how do you intend to go about asking all these questions? Will it be in written application form or do you have them memorized? Will you read them from a sheet of paper and watch him squirm under a bare lightbulb like an inquisition or will he be able to 'get back to you'? I'm totally with you on wanting to know every tidbit of information about the kids (esp boys) that my dds hang out with. My H says I should go into the FBI after our girls are grown and out of the house because I am such a great interrogator - lol. I do ask a lot of questions, but I can't help myself! Inquiring minds want to know and I have an inquiring mind!

I think most of us want to meet the dates our kids will be spending thier time with before they start going out. You're not out of line to make this request. In fact, I always expected an address and home/cell number before my dds were even allowed in anyone's car or to their home. They thought that was crazy but they survived the mortifying embarrassment and got over it. One boy even gave me his year, make and model of his car and his SS#!! Now that was funny; he had a good sense of humor.

How about you invite him over for a BBQ - something casual so you can sit around together and chat things up a bit. In casual conversation most of your questions can be answered without actually asking them point blank. If dd balks at this idea, too bad. Then she isn't allowed to go out with him. And I don't think that's being overprotective of her - she's only 15! I would skip the "What are your intentions?" question though. He probably wouldn't even know how to answer that let alone what you even mean by it. Haha - I remember my mom asking a date of mine that back in the day and he just stood there like a stump with his mouth hanging open. I quickly whisked him away and we left. We didn't last very long either.

Some other questions I would leave off: Do you believe in God? Have you ever had sex? Have you ever had girlfriends and if so, how long did it last? What are your career plans?

I just think those are either too personal for you to be asking or simply unfounded.

Just a side note: Your dd is your responsibility. Do not automatically assume that if this boy drinks, does drugs or wants to have sex with your daughter that she is an unwilling participant. SHE needs to take responsibility for her own actions and if she so chooses to engage in drinking, drugging or having sex, that's what and who you should be addressing. Whether its this young man or another young man, the bottom line is that it's YOUR DD who is involved in this action as well as him. If she were my dd, I'd make darned sure she was well informed about the dangers of drinking and drugging as well as STD's, pregnancy, AIDS and the emotional impact of having sex. I'd also get her to a gyno for a full checkup and have her put on the pill. I'd make sure that she understood that just because she's on the pill, you do not condone her having sex. And, I'd also make sure that she knew that no matter what, no matter how bad she thinks you will react, she can come to you if she's ever in trouble...without the fear of being banned from ever going out for life again. As my dad used to say, "No sense in closing the barn door after the horse has gotten out." All you can do at this point in regards to her being sexually active is preventive care for the future. With that in mind, speak with her DR about the HPV shot as well. Best of luck to you - and many many gentle hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:52pm

My first thought as I read this interrogation was "this is one of those email joke things, right?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 6:13pm

Unless you have Jack Bauer renting a room from you, I don't know how you would have any way of getting the truth from this young man.

So, why bother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 6:33pm
why bother?
because I love my daughter and the last boy who she went to the movies with dragged her into the alley at the mall and sexually assaulted her. So now I am trying to get to know every boy and girl she is hanging with, since I didn't know this boy. Yes, I am aware I cannot protect her from everything, but getting to know someone who is spending time with your child and can potentially influence them is never a bad thing, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 6:44pm

I agree that I am overreacting a bit and some of these questions go too far. I also appreciate you reminding me these boys are children, too, which I sometimes forget. I don’t agree a ‘good share of these questions’ are off. I think I will leave out the drinking, drugs, sex and arrested questions, but there is no harm in finding out his interest in school, career, music, athletics, etc… Also better understanding his moral / religious stand just helps me understand him in relation to mine.

I am not trying to deflect responsibility or place blame. I am in panic mode because my daughter was assaulted this weekend and I don’t know how to keep her safe. I feel responsible because I let her go with friends I didn’t know. Now I am overreacting. Sorry – didn’t mean to anger you. My family is just in a lot of pain right now and this is my way of dealing with it and looking for guidance.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:32pm

I find it odd that if your dd was drug into an alley and sexually assaulted this past weekend that she would be off on a date so soon, but hey that's just me...

FWIW - dd's boyfriend is an awesome guy and I'm thinking if I had barraged him with any/most/some of those questions, he would have ran in the other direction, never to be seen or heard from again. Maybe this is what you are aiming for? Had I done this dd would have missed out on a great boyfriend.

I agree with the pp's that said - this is more of stuff that should be discussed w/ ur dd rather than attacking an unsuspecting boy. Get to know him slowly. If you aren't comfortable letting her date - don't let her!! If she lost her virginity to some random guy a few months ago and was so recently sexually assaulted, she may need some time to herself anyway.

Best wishes!




Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:56pm

I missed the part about your dd being assaulted this past weekend. Have you lined up a counselor for not only dd but also for yourself and H? As parents of an assaulted child, your perspective is altered to such a degree that your parenting changes - naturally.

I know because I am the parent of a dd who was lured off the internet and taken out of state and sexually assaulted. But for the Grace of God she did not end up in a ditch dead. I know the panic that you're feeling, but you cannot keep tabs on her 24/7. It just isn't normal and it's not healthy for anyone to live like that. Eventually, you have to learn to trust again - everyone. It took a while but I was finally able to see that my dd contributed to this horrible incident to some degree. Yes, the predator was very good and knew exactly how to lure her in. However, she was also stupid, despite our many conversations about putting too much info out there (myspace and aol profile); she also talked with a stranger and got herself into a dangerous situation, had her friends lie about where she was, etc. It was all very convoluted and I'm CERTAIN that it could have been prevented if my dd did not put herself 'out there'.

I tell you this because you disclosed that your dd lost her virginity to a random guy when she was 14. She is what our DR would call a curtain climber/mover and shaker/attention seeker/thrill seeker. Your dd having sex with a random guy or putting herself into a dangerous situation and then moving onto a new older bf didn't all happen by chance. She should probably see a counselor, one who has experience with girls her age and in her situation. You should read "Reviving Ophelia" (I can't remember the author) and see a counselor as well - you need to learn how to parent your dd in such a way that she is able to grow emotionally, intellectually and socially without causing herself harm or sending you to the nuthouse. I will keep you in my thoughts - you're going through a lot right now and I totally know how desperate and helpless you feel. But boxing your dd in and interrogating her prospective bf's is not the healthy way to approach her development.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:32pm

Thanks to everyone who has responded.

I think I am calming down a bit and this has really helped me put all my fears into perspective. I have already arranged counseling for my daughter - she has attended two sessions already and we have it set up weekly for now. I am working on family therapy, so that I can communicate to her in a way that she will understand. I know her behavior is self destructive and have not been able to convince her that my concerns have been for her safety and not to make her life miserable. Hopefully the counseling will help us learn how to talk to eachother.

As for the new boy - she has known him for a few weeks, but hasn't invited him over to meet us yet. They just decided to 'go out' the day or two before this happened. I will meet the boy this weekend and have decided to have a friendly dinner where I can casually get to know him. Then invite him over again where I can get to ask a few more - none of the harsh ones. I need to get to know him slowly and not assume that I can send 30 minutes interrogating him and feel comfortable. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and not be paranoid every boy out there is out ot hurt her. She did mention that I am freaking out to him and he volunteered to come over and meet me, so that must count for something.

Again - thanks for the advise. And the patience :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:45pm

FWIW, I just shared this thread with my 16 y/o DD & her 16 y/o b/f.

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