Questions for New Boyfriend
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| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 2:50pm |
My 15 year old daughter has a new boyfriend. Her last one was very innocent and seemed more interested in hanging out, watching movies with her and playing video games and there was always a parent present, but this one is older (17) and seems more ‘experienced’. His MySpace has pictures of him drinking and partying with friends and is littered with curse words. I want to restrict her from seeing him, but everyone tells me to stop smothering her. I said she cannot go out with this boy until we meet him and now I have a myriad of questions I want to ask him when I do.
What are you intentions – how do you plan to spend your time with her?
Do you drive – do you have your own car?
Tell me about your family – parents married, siblings, etc…?
Where do you live?
Do you participate in Sports?
Do you participate in Music in school or out?
Academics – what classes do you take? AP, languages, etc…
What grade are you in school – junior or senior
What are your college plans?
What are your career plans?
Have you taken the ACTs/SATs?
Work – how long have you worked? Where? What do you do?
How old are you? When is your birthday? – When do you turn 18?
Is your family religious – do you attend church? Do you believe in God?
Have you had a lot of girlfriends? How long do the relationships usually last?
Do you drink? Do your parents know? Do they allow you to drink?
Have you taken Drugs – if so which ones? Do your parents know? Do they allow you?
Have you had Sex? Do you regularly? Do you intend to with my daughter?
Have you ever been arrested? If so, for what?
Do you think these are ‘out of line’?
If so, which ones?
* I found out the other day that she lost her virginity in December (when she was 14) to some random boy when she told her father he was just a friend she was going to study with, so that is why I am a bit paranoid now.

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We must have posted at the same time, because your post about counseling and having the b/f over for dinner appeared at the same time as mine did. It took me longer than normal to compose my last post, since DD and b/f are trying to figure out how to phrase their input into the situation, and they had to discuss and hash things out before they'd let me type.
I was going to make some snide remark after reading just the first post, but I'm glad I read through to the end. I'm sorry for what happened to your DD and glad that you are getting her into counselling and I hope things will get better.
Back to the 1st post, though, if you ask someone directly, "what are your intentions, or do you plan to have sex?" of course, they will say no. Do you think any teenager is going to say, "well, we plan to get high then we're going to a motel to have sex?" I doubt it.
I really haven't had much experience w/ my 18 yo DD dating, which kind of surprised me cause I don't know what is wrong w/ those boys. lol I just figured that if it's a boy from school, she knew him well enough to know if he was nice or not. The only other boy she went out w/ was someone she worked with. I would just meet them to say hi. But that's because I pretty much would trust her judgment. If you feel that your DD doesn't exercise good judgment right now, you might limit her to meeting w/ the BF at home until you get to know him.
I think these should come of the course of casual conversation, and asked in a friendly way. If you in any way grill him, I can't see that going over very well with your daughter or this boy.
I think those could be very condensed, and you'll get a lot of awkward answers for some. The religious questions would offend me personally, since I view religion as very personal, and wouldn't appreciate being grilled on my religious and moral beliefs the first time I met someone.
I should probably clarify that I wasn't going to sit him down on the sofa and turn on a hot lamp :) Just invite him over for dinner and throughout the evening bring up some of the questions and then on another occasion work my way thru the list and see if other questions form as a result. As I mentioned I will take off a few of the harsher questions, but am curious if there are other types of questions mother’s out there ask their daughter’s potential boyfriends to get to know them better.
I am also curious (not in a confrontational way, but a confused and inquisitive way) why the religion one gets people so nervous. My plan was asking if his family goes to church and if so which one? If not, then does he have any opinions regarding faith? I think that for some (not all) religion and faith are an important part of your family’s foundation and seeing if you have a common belief structure should not offend - just enlighten. My mother was Jewish, I was raised Catholic and now attend an Episcopal church and my husband is a Deist, so I am ok with other pursuits of faith and not condemning him either way. Just interested.
Just like I would be interested in knowing his college and career plans if he has any. Again most of my questions seem harmless enough and things you would know about anyone with a significant relationship to your family. I do agree that the ones towards the bottom of my list were there in panic, anger and should obviously be removed. I really do appreciate your feedback on those, as it helped me realize I was losing my mind :)
I would also like to clarify the 'What are your intentions with my daughter' question. I think it was more along the lines of - when you take her out what do you plan to do. Movies, Dinner, Video Games, Concerts, hanging out at the Supermarket parking lot, etc... Not 'Do you plan to marry her and be the father of my grandchildren'. Hopefully that doesn't bother people as much. I think I would just like to know how he spends his times with his friends and how he plans to spend his time with my daughter. How does that sound?
Micki,
I think what it is about the religion question that bugs some people is that it all seems too serious for a couple of kids who are only 15 and 17 and going to the movies, kwim? And asking him if his family goes to church and if so, which one isn't so bad, but asking a 17 y/o about his opinions regarding faith, IMO, is just a little over the top.
I just think that they are young and only dating; I would NOT consider him to be a significant relationship until at least the year mark. The truth of the matter is it's highly unlikely that he's "the one" and getting so serious about his place in her life and your family seems presumptuous to me. My God, dd will probably have many more bf's between now and when she gets married.
You can be on alert and be sure that you know where they are going, with whom and when she will be home, etc., without knowing every little thought that passes through his head. At 17 I'm sure he hasn't really given all that much thought to his opinions on religion or knows exactly what his career plans are or where he'll be in 5 years.
While I understand your angst, you really need to chill a little. Like I said in my earlier post, your parenting of dd will alter greatly because of the things she's done or been through this past year. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by being overprotective - she will become more secretive and keep things from you rather than be open. Instead, give her the tools she needs to make better choices and regain your trust and make sure you hold her accountable for her whereabouts and who she's spending her time with.
I've had different experiences with my two older boys. DS2 dated in high school but never dated the same girl more than twice. He thought high school relationships were stupid and had no interest in the drama he saw in the halls between BF and GF. He found a steady GF the summer after high school and has been with her almost a year now(still doesnt do too good with the drama-cant comprehend why she cries over such little thing-LOL)
DS1 didnt date in high school and when he finally did, he stayed with the first girl for...over 2 years now
I think most boys fall into DS2's category or somewhere in between. It's unlikely this boy is going to marry your dd. They may very well see a movie and then poof! thats the end of it.
So, to me, and this is just me, I see no reason to go THAT deep(religion and career). I think the information will come out naturally over time. I also think there is perhaps more value is getting this information from DD. If you ask her what religion he is, and she doesnt know, it affords you an opportunity to suggest she might want to ask or invite him to church or whatever you feel is appropriate.
That way you are giving her some productive tools SHE can utilize in forming and judging relationships while still finding out the particular information that is important to you.
I am agnostic and my boys were not raised within a religion. I bristle at the religion question because I know how quickly most people will judge my boys because of that. Judge my son on his integrity and how he treats people 7 days a week-not what building he walks into on Sunday morning!!!
Sorry this is Off Topic but,
"Judge my son on his integrity and how he treats people 7 days a week-not what building he walks into on Sunday morning!!!"
This is the BEST statement that I have been looking for to say about my boys. Thanks :) We are struggling a bit right now here as my boys have decided that right now they are agnostic. DH and I want them to make up their own minds but others that we go to church with are really struggling with this :)
Thanks for the "perfect words"
Julie
DS and I are in this line too!
Sue
Wow! That's quite a list. The only question missing is, do you have any diseases.
Seriously, I empathize with your recent struggles and can see where they may lead you to such an approach. I've been there myself. Realistically, they would be inappropriate and ineffective. The BF will most likely not answer these types of questions. If he actually did reply with smooth answers, I'd be more worried.
I'm also a big fan of the "meet the parents first" club. However, this seems to be more of a symbolic gesture than anything else. The poor boy gets intimidated, acts awkward, says dumb stuff, and can't wait to leave with DD in tow. Not a great deal of information exchange there.
But it does do two things:
1. Tells DD I care.
2. Tells BF I'm watching.
The more comfortable the two of them can be around you, the more time will be spent under your supervision. I understand you will use the casual approach opposed to the third degree, but the answers you want will take a considerable amount of time.
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