Raising "good" boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Raising "good" boys
7
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 6:51pm

Not about my teen, but about my younger one. Looking for BTDT advice from moms of older boys. I would love some advice and/or support in helping DS6 learn how to be one of the "good" kids, without being the kid the other boys beat up!

This year there are 8 boys in DS's class of 20. One boy, H, is frequently in trouble, and appears to recruit other boys. He's the type that is somehow very appealing to other kids - lots of energy and ideas (which is great) but also quick to fight and turn on someone (like DS). I think I've posted about this before - B and E(friends since Kindergarten) are now in H's "gang". There was an incident today where 6 of 8 boys in DS's class spent lunch period in the principal's office and had to miss Center Time (sitting at their desks) because of a fight at recess. DS says that he told an aide about the fighting, and afterwards the boys surrounded him and kicked him; after they returned from the principal they told him they weren't his friends.

I think he has a good attitude about it. There are 2-4 other boys who are good friends and seem very nice, and who he plays with alot at recess or afterschool.

But WWYD? How do you help a boy be respectful and behave well in school, but not be the target? One mom I know signed her kids up for Karate, so they could fight back. I don't think that's the answer. We've told DS just walk away, and steer clear of boys who are clearly determined to get into trouble. But when there's only 8 boys in the class, he's sort of stuck (at least until next year)

Also, how much of this do I tell the teacher and/or principal. I think they know some of it, but not sure how much of the lunchtime stuff they know about (at least one instance of calling a very dark skinned boy "dirty").

It makes me sad to see DS thinking about these things at such a young age. DD had worries in first grade, but being a girl is different.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 9:59pm

Definitely the school needs to be informed of any bullying incidents. Or at least there needs to be a discussion. Where I live bullying has become a real "hot-button" issue at schools and there is alot of emphasis placed on preventing and dealing with bullying.

That said, I have a son who is 10 going on 11. He is what I think is a good kid. He is a big boy, certainly capable of defending himself if necessary, but his tendencies are more "peaceful" than aggressive and hence he has sometimes been on the receiving end of a bully. Luckily its been dealt with well at school by the teachers and principals as they have zero tolerance in this area.

I think its alot about personality. My son is a smart, thoughtful, gentle soul. He has never been overly phsyical or aggressive. And when his dad tried to sign him up for karate, he refused to continue after only one class as he didn't want to "fight" anyone. He's been lucky to find friends who are similar but he goes to a larger school where there are alot of boys around. I don't think I did anything particular with him.

What seems to be a pattern with all the boys I know who are "good" and don't get into much trouble is that their families keep them very close. They have close relationships with their moms and dads and siblings. They are expected to attend all family events. They are given a strong sense of who they are in their families and their importance. And they are appreciated and valued for who they are as individuals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:02pm

My boys were/are all like your son

I dont think teaching them how to fight works unless they are willing to use it.

The best bet is for him to find boys like him-they exist but they're not likely to be the most popular kids in class(although you never know)

I would encourage and strengthen those friendships

Both my oldest had 2 rough years. DS1 in 5/6 grade and DS2 in 7/8 grade. DS3 seems to have made it to 8th grade unscathed and I cant help but feel it will still happen

I wish I had a better answer for you than making it sound like a rite of passage they are stuck with-but I dont

Schools vary on bullying IME. If the boys in question are popular or have parents who are movers and shakers in the community, chances are the principal will look the other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:10am

Well, Sue..... I have 3 boys age 18 and over, and 2 of the 3 have been discribed by both regular teachers and subs as "really nice kids."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 11:09am

my son (19) was also one of the 'good' boys in school and it did cause him problems - teasing, bullying - things that i was not aware of until later. at some point i did sign him up for karate - I think it was good for him because it didn't so much teach them how to fight, but it did give them a certain degree of self confidence.

i did continue to instill in him the right values - no stealing, no harming another person or property, etc. and i am not sorry. life isn't HS (even tho it seems that way sometimes) and it is more valuable for your child to have the right values, that will help him hold down a job and be a responsible adult, then be "popular".

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 8:12am
I highly recommend wrestling as a sport for boys. In a good wrestling program, kids are taught not only the moves, but respect for others and confidence in oneself. My DS is 15 now, and has been wrestling for many years. He is on the small side, but in wrestling there are different weight classes; everyone has a chance. When in middle school, DS was getting picked on by a bigger kid who thought it was fun to pick on what appeared to be a smaller weaker kid. DS stood up for himself and told the kid to knock it off. When that didn't work, DS shoved him against a locker and although he received a detention he didn't have anymore problems with that kid or any other bullies. He is a very bright kid and usually is able to work things out with words. Now sometimes he gets into the "cutting down" that alot of the boys do, but if I overhear that I'll say something. Sports can help when raising boys because it gives them the confidence they need to make it through middle and high school. It's also a great outlet for pent-up anger. Same goes for girls, I guess, but especially for boys (I have both).
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 9:01am

What seems to be a pattern with all the boys I know who are "good" and don't get into much trouble is that their families keep them very close. They have close relationships with their moms and dads and siblings. They are expected to attend all family events. They are given a strong sense of who they are in their families and their importance. And they are appreciated and valued for who they are as individuals>>>>>

I think you are right on the money with this one. The pattern I see with both boys AND girls is exactly that. The kids I have seen over the years that have been the happiest are the ones with the happiest family situations; parents who let them know in no uncertain terms where the boundaries are but who give the kids some freedom as well and let them know their children are loved. It is a fine line, for sure; takes many years of practice.

We have lots of family celebrations in our family. Fortunately, they are fun and my kids enjoy them. I really think that is key.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 9:03am
After re-reading my post, I felt I should clarify a couple of things. I guess I went too fast. Boys, in middle school especially but also in high school, are constantly having to face other boys trying to be tough or "better than others." That seems to be part of boyhood. First and foremost, I think you want to instill confidence in your sons. I truly believe sports can do that for alot of boys. Someone else mentioned karate... again, I think that is as good of an idea as wrestling. A good Karate program will teach respect as well as the karate moves. But... most importantly, it will teach confidence so that if confronted the boy doesn't have to walk away thinking he's weak and a total loser. He could actually stand up for himself. He can still be a decent and nice kid in all other aspects of his life, but there will be times when some other guy picks on him and he needs to be able to defend himself. Let's face it, we count on strong men to lead many things. We have a man for President (not saying a woman couldn't do it). We want our husbands to be strong and lead the family (with us wives steering of course ;). Boys have to learn to navigate many different waters when they are growing up (girls too, but in a different way). Recently, my 15 yr old DS had a kid at school that was constantly antagonizing him to fight. DS kept blowing him off. Finally, after two weeks of that the kid said, "Oh he'll probably just use wrestling moves on me." Another kid said "Yeah, so you better knock it off, dude. You're gonna look bad." Then it was over. The kid left him alone. DS didn't have to do a thing because he had all that wrestling background... his history preceded him. Hope this helps.
Debbie