Raising teenage girls
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| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:44am |
I was born in a very traditional home, where my dad had the final word.
I myself being a single mother am obviously not living a traditional life. But I feel guilty about it sometimes. There are times where I feel there should a male in the house.
It feels wierd having my daughter date and not have the dad to want to protect her. For ex when I was a teenage girl, me and my mother weren't allowed to go out alone at night without a guy. The idea was that guys should protect women ( although I feel at times my dad used it to control us instead, my mom never really said anything but he didn't even let her talk to her own parents and brother and she never did anything. They were a "bad" influence, but god who wasn't?)
I don't want to be dominated or anything, but I feel there should be a male in the house to protect the women. I do go out by myself at night and other instances and it seems I'm doing ok without a guy, but it does feel unusual and at times even wrong. Am I just being old fashioned or what?
I was just wondering how do you guys raise your daughters? Do you raise them to be strong and independent or do you raise them in a traditional way? In the sense that the man should have the final word in the house. He should protect her and she should listen to what he says.

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My house runs in a not so traditional home. I am a stay at home mom, and I pretty much wear the pants in the family, I decide the rules, i discipline, i do the finances, my husband contributes, and he does do some protecting but he works alot of hours and i just have to take control and be strong as i can, sometimes not so strong!! THis is my second marriage and I was a single mom of 2 kids for a long time, and it is never easy being the male and female of the house. I think that you just have to meet her friends and boyfriends and trust your gut. Having a male in the house is not always a perfect picture either.
Good uck to you.
Hi and welcome. I was raised primarily by my mother. My dad worked odd shifts and was rarely around for the major parental rearing. I had 3 sisters and one older brother. My mother raised us to be independent but also always favored my brother and made it seem like we were nothing without a man by our side. It was very confusing to say the least. Thank goodness for the small element of independence she instilled in each of my sisters and I. We're all very independent and capable - some of us to the point of alienating the men in our lives. We've all struggled to find a healthy balance between "needing our man", "wanting our man", and being independent human beings.
I have two daughters and was a single mom for a while also. I've raised my dds' to be independent & capable as human beings - I've tried NOT to be gender specific about assigning certain tasks to each gender and I've always taught them that they are fine on their own...to be self sufficient BEFORE they decide to share their lives with a man/partner. I truly feel that each person in a relationship needs to be able to stand on their own before becoming one and as my dd's have gotten older I see that they share that belief.
My H (dd's stepdad) and I struggled with this a little in the beginning. Having come from a divorce, it was hard on me to trust and rely on another man. We have eventually grown to a place where we lean on one another, equally. I protect him when able and he protects me when able - it really depends on the situation. My 17dd hasn't been the easiest to raise and at times I know I alienated my H when I should have taken advantage of his being a major male role model for my dd's. They love and respect him. There came a time when I had to explain to my dd's just exactly how important his role in their upbringing has been, to what extent he felt the need to protect them and their honor, reputations, etc. That was fairly new territory for all of us - I wasn't used to leaning on him in this way. I was always the protector and to relinquish or share that role felt odd to me. My 19dd relished having a father who wanted to protect her - she needed that. My 17dd fought it a little, but deep down she likes it now I think. And it makes my H stand taller and it eases a certain level of the burden.
That said, I have to say that I think it's not healthy for anyone in the family to have more power or control over anyone else. The day my H ever tells me who I can or can't talk with or see is the day I show him the door. A relationship, IMO, is a partnership and a sharing of the highest level that includes respect, consideration, trust and love. The ability to allow the other person to be who he/she truly is, love the people in his/her life, explore him/herself is what reaps more love. I hate the idea of a man entering your home to become your husband and your dd's stepfather only to control you and her and to tell you what to do and when seems very out of wack. In a 'traditional sense' men revered their wives and daughters. They provided for them monitarily and with guidance. The larger portion of raising all the kids was left primarily to the moms. The dads were not 'kings' or 'bosses' - they didn't always have the final word. What you're describing sounds emotionally and intellectually abusive and controlling to me.
Edited 3/27/2007 11:34 am ET by heartsandroses2002
I'm not single but I am living the life of a single mom (military wife geographically separated for the last year and a half and more than likely for the next almost 6 years).
My mom was always the ruler in the house and I guess I am too. My dh is only home occasionally and it kinda gets weird - kinda stepping on each other's toes. I'm used to doing things my way - finances, kids, rules, well everything. It's kinda funny, because I see my dd acting like me with her bf and I don't like it? Meaning it's her way or no way. In a way, I like it because I know she's not going to get walked over, but, like me, she's rather stubborn and even when she's wrong, she will not admit it. When she's upset she won't show any sadness, it turns to anger. Confuses the heck out of poor boyfriend. I do wish we were somewhat more traditional or maybe I was more traditional so that my daughter wouldn't be so tough and put up that wall. I hate that although their father is still here, he's not "here" so he really doesn't have any influence at this point...
especially for ds11. He greatly needs more of a male role model as he is the complete opposite of my hard-nosed, put your dukes up daughter. He is the type that is going to be walked all over. He's been raised with me and his sister lol - 2 hard headed, stubborn women. It may not have been more different if dh was in the picture more, but there may have been hope!
Anyway, I guess I have definitely raised my dd to be strong and independent and that she definitely is. My poor son otoh - I fear he will just be a "punching bag" (not literally) - this is a metaphor that dd's bf used to describe himself with regards to dd this past weekend.
I tend to alienate dh with things too. While dh was home this past month, it was quite strained. He and dd have always been really close (she is his stepdaughter but he's been in her life since she was 1 and is the only father she has ever known and truly sees him as her father). They have identical personalities and I was sad to see their relationship isn't the same. I'm not sure what was up while he was home - sure dd was still recovering from mono but he really kept her at arm's length. He was snappy with her, which of course I called him on, which led to him just being apathetic towards her. The day before he left, I pointed out to him that dd thought he hated her or something and he pointed out that every time he would say something to her, I would jump down his throat. I pointed out that he always chose subjects that he was clueless about to join in on and would take things out of context. He was right - I would jump down his throat, but I was right too that he was wrong lol.... He tends to be harder on dd, well we both are, than we are ds (his son), but I'm "protective" of dd where he's concerned and I always have been, not that I need to be?? Idk it's weird.... but yes I have definitely alienated him when it comes to decisions in regards to dd....
It's definitely my fault - I am a sahm and he's gone so much, I've always wanted him to be the fun one. Didn't want him gone for months just to come home to be the bad guy.....
I guess we have a balance of both. When DH was drinking, I was the final word b/c I didn't feel he was competent to make the final word. However, I did give the final word with respect to him and it was almost always presented to the kids as a "we" decision. Now that he is sober, if we disagree, we usually go with the more conservative of the two (which is usually DH) and it is still presented as a "we" decision. Sometimes DH presents the decisions and sometimes I do.
I do feel that the male should protect the female. For instance, a few weeks ago DD (18 and away at college)and her b/f (of over 3 years) were at a party. B/f's roommate was extremely drunk and got mad at DD and threw her into a wall more than once. B/f was in another room and didn't realize what had happened. DD immediately left but told b/f the next day. B/f waited over two weeks before he even said anything to his roommate about this. I personally felt that he should have spoke with the guy the minute he found out about it.
On the flip side, I do not think that a woman NEEDS a man to protect her. I feel that women are perfectly capable of protecting themselves. For instance, DD could have protected herself by simply not being in an apartment with a group of people that were drinking that heavily. I believe that a woman should be able to protect herself at all times. When making business decisions, she can protect herself by studying the case and by getting advice from someone that is more knowledgeable than she. She should take self-defense classes and always be aware of her surroundings. It is a woman's responsibility to be able to defend and take care of herself and her family (including the males if they aren't able to care for themselves), likewise, it is a man's responsibility to be able to defend and take care of himself and his family.
I'm sure that adjusting to your life without a man is difficult for you but keep reminding yourself that you are teaching your DD a very valuable lesson. You are showing her a side of life that you weren't shown as a teen. You are teaching her a different type of responsibility than you were taught as a teen. You've obviously learned it very well but wouldn't it have been easier to have been taught that within the safety of your home with your parents guiding you through the process? You are giving that gift to your DD!
I def. raised my DD (now 18) to be strong, independent and to take care of herself, and she has done quite well. When you say you wish a man were there to "protect" you or your DD, I don't really understand that. I haven't been in any situations where I felt the need to have a man protect me. Of course, my DH is a very strong man who has a couple of black belts in martial arts, so if we were ever in danger, I would be really happy that he was there. But when do I ever get in these situations? never, even though I work in a major city. I have gone out at night, but having grown up around the city, even when I was in college, I learned to be aware. The worst thing that ever happened to me was that when I was 18, my wallet was stolen on the subway.
When you use "protection" and "dating" in the same sentence, it sounds to me like you are saying that a dad would protect your DD from the boys she is dating. She needs to learn how to protect herself. First of all, she should learn how to say no and also not to get into situations that could potentially be dangerous. Ther was just a murder here in Boston of a woman about 23 yrs. old who came here to go to a family party. Apparently, she & her friends left a bar w/ some men they didn't know to go to a house party and she was shot. They think the shooter was aiming at one of the guys she was with. I plan to mention this to my DD and tell her how stupid that girl was to go out w/ men she didn't know to a place she was unfamiliar with.
As far as letting the man have the final word, I would never agree w/ that. I want an equal partnership. I am an adult w/ my own opinions and I could not live w/ someone who thought he was my boss. Even my parents didn't live like that and they were born in 1926! I am thinking that you might feel this is normal cause that's how you were brought up, but your dad sounds very controlling, almost to the point of being abusive. I can't imagine any healthy relationship where the wife isn't "allowed" to talk to her own family. If you look up the signs of an abusive relationship, cutting the victim off from her own family and friends is one of the signs.
This got me to thinking about a trend in this most recent generation. It's almost as if with so many more young women being much more independent than their mothers may have been, the boys have backed away from being overly protective. But, with that backing away has come apathy; the boys are less inclined to step in and be the good samaritan or hero, if you will. IOW, if a young woman finds herself in a defenseless situation, OUR hope as her parents would be that some nice young man would step in and help, but it's almost like they either don't care to or they are afraid of offending the woman by making her feel 'weak'. Do you think that's the case in some situations?
I saw an older man (about 50+) who had stopped his car on the side of the highway and was helping a woman (about 35-ish) who had a flat tire. My 17dd asked me, "What? Doesn't he think she can fix her own flat?" And I said, "Well, it was nice of him to stop and help her though, don't you think?" and dd just shrugged. Have I made my dds' so strong and independent thinkers that now they see it as an affront when a man tries to help them out by, say, lifting something heavy for them, fixing a flat or changing their headlight? Hmmm, I wonder. Have we created an environment that is hostile for chivalrous men to help women? I love it when H opens the door for me, but I really hate it when he tells me how to paint a fence or mow the lawn...I know how to do that on my own. So, which is it? LOL -
I've kinda come to the conclusion that chivalry is dead! J is a wonderful guy but he NEVER holds a door open for me, dd or anyone. DD of course doesn't think a thing of it, not being raised to expect it, yet it still floors me. J is so funny about manners and stuff like that, so I find it interesting door holding doesn't come naturally to him lol.
When dd was in the 4th grade, a boy pushed her down on the playground and she scraped her knee. A boy that had a crush on her, beat up the boy and was suspended. DD had no part in the fight but I remember having a talk to her about how "wrong" that was, for lack of a better word. I didn't want her thinking that she couldn't take care of herself and not to expect boys to protect her from other boys. I also told her his retaliation was not necessary. She now tends to be the fighter for all of her friends that can't stand up for themselves. While I applaud her for the most part, there have been times that she takes it too far. Quite funny that my tiny 14yo dd, has to stand up for her 16yo much taller friends??
I know dd was quite amused that bf "protected" her when she returned to school, although I guess w/ a few people he took it too far. Not physically, but he had one girl so upset, she called dd up that night crying and apologizing and hoping she was okay. J had the girl terrified that my dd was going to die.... *on J's behalf the girl hit dd's spleen directly w/ her bookbag and the spleen did immediately swell and bf totally freaked out about that*
Now that I think about it, I probably am showing dd that chivalry is dead. There have been many times that I have had something very heavy to carry and her bf has been here. He always offers to get it for me and I smack that down really quick... too funny. I never thought about things like this!!
I'm going to jump right in here without reading any of the previous posts.
I happen to think that the 'traditional home' in which the male is the head of the household, et al, has gone the way of hats, gloves and common courtesy -- it is just not that prevalent anymore.
My DH was raised in a VERY traditional home -- but he has not followed that example, so 99.9% of what needs to be done in our home to keep our family and our lives together, is done by me. Except for financial matters, he prefers that I make any and all decisions. This way, he cannot be held responsible if it is a wrong decision, nor can anyone be upset with him. However, he is not beyond questioning and/or vetoing any decision I make. You can bet this is not the best scenario for anyone. (You probably have guessed this is a bit of a hot button with me! If I'm doing all the work around here, I feel I should be able to make a decision without consulting him.)
I think it is in the best interest of teenage girls to be strong, independent young women who are confident in their own abilities to make decisions and need not rely on someone else to make them for them or 'take care of them'.
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