Raising teenage girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Raising teenage girls
23
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:44am

I was born in a very traditional home, where my dad had the final word.

I myself being a single mother am obviously not living a traditional life. But I feel guilty about it sometimes. There are times where I feel there should a male in the house.
It feels wierd having my daughter date and not have the dad to want to protect her. For ex when I was a teenage girl, me and my mother weren't allowed to go out alone at night without a guy. The idea was that guys should protect women ( although I feel at times my dad used it to control us instead, my mom never really said anything but he didn't even let her talk to her own parents and brother and she never did anything. They were a "bad" influence, but god who wasn't?)

I don't want to be dominated or anything, but I feel there should be a male in the house to protect the women. I do go out by myself at night and other instances and it seems I'm doing ok without a guy, but it does feel unusual and at times even wrong. Am I just being old fashioned or what?

I was just wondering how do you guys raise your daughters? Do you raise them to be strong and independent or do you raise them in a traditional way? In the sense that the man should have the final word in the house. He should protect her and she should listen to what he says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:15pm

I'm not sure if there's a trend or not.. but I know when your son is the one doing it, it's very very scary.

Recently at DS-18's house, a man came over with a knive and attacked his ex-girlfriend, who had left him for someone else. DS pulled him off her and began fighting. Of course DS didn't have a weapon. The guy ran off when the others began screaming they'd called 911. The girl had bruises all over her neck and chest the next day.

I want DS to be "protective", but geez, at what price? In a way I was proud of him, and terrified at the same time. I know my son will jump in to protect a woman and I'm not sure where the line should be drawn. The girl also had a responsibility to tell the guy she was leaving, not just run off to live with someone else, ya know what I mean?

As far as the flat tire... man, have you tried to loosen a lug nut that's been put on with a power drill? It is impossible sometimes, and 2 years ago DH and I had to grind 3 of 5 of them off. After they'd been stripped, along with our tire tool.

Anyway, just wanted to add a different perspective... I don't have girls, just one son.

zz

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:44pm

I should probably stay away from this since I don't have daughters, but I can't help myself. :)

IF I had daughters, I would raise them to be strong, independent women. I don't believe in notion that the "man" of the household should have the last say simply based on the fact that he is a man. And as far as protection...well, yes, as a general rule, men are bigger and stronger and could probably hold their own in a fight, but there are things women can do to protect themselves as well, besides just simply having a big, strong man at their side.

I would want my daughters to feel like they are equal to the men in their lives, that their ideas and feelings matter. I would want them to be an equal in any relationship they have. I would want them to be smart and confident in all that they do.

I don't mean to say that the more "traditional" way is absolutely wrong, only that that is a belief that *I* personally don't have. I know there are countless marriages out there that *work* because the man and the woman adhere to the same set of basic beliefs, regardless if it is the more traditional style or the more independent style.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:58pm
Ha I was trying to stay away from the flat tire analogy - cuz gosh help me. If I EVER get a flat tire SOMEONE help me!! *or a dead battery, or run out of gas, or windshield wipers need changing, etc*



Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:02pm

I had to lol at your dd's statement "What? Doesn't he think she can fix her own flat?"

I felt very strongly about things like that when I was her age, clear up until I was probaby in my 30s. I tried and was usually successful at many, many things because I refused to ask a man to do something for me. NOW, however, I'm content with the idea that I *could* do all those things if I *wanted* to or absolutely *had* to, but now gladly and willingly pass those things on to a man to do them for me! ROFL

I have taken great pains with my sons to teach them to be chivalrous (open doors, ladies first, etc.) I tried to teach them that being chivalrous is not degrading or offensive to women, it is simply good manners. Should someday a woman speak badly to one of my sons because he held a door open for her, I told them to just remember, their manners are obviously much better than that woman's. :)

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:35pm

LOL - for WEEKS I have been waiting for H to fix the sprayer on our kitchen sink and today when I complained to my friend she said, "Huh? Why haven't YOU fixed it yet? You could do that!" and I sorta thought, "huh, yeah I could" so I'm picking up the new sprayer on my way home from work tonight!

There are certain jobs that I have delegated as being 'mens' jobs although I do all sorts of things that would typically be considered a man's job. I mostly pass those on to H because I don't want to get dirty or pull out my back! LOL -

I used to be very headstrong about that stuff when I was younger also...would never let anyone help me, let alone a man! Out of the question! "I am woman, hear my roar" and all that - but not anymore. "I am old, hear me whine" is more like it.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:41pm

"I am old, hear me whine" is more like it.

LMAO this is my new motto!!!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:06pm

I just laughed and laughed when she said that!! Good one, Hearts!

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:46pm

DITTO!!!!! I'm feeling that motto.

I've got 4 girls, one who is a teen and the other one will be in a few months. (Then 2 more in about 9 years.) The oldest is very independent and doesn't mind a bit to get dirty right along with DH. She gets out there and feeds the animals or does the manual labor just as well as she's able. The younger one, would rather let anyone do something for her as long as she didn't have to work and could watch TV.

DH and I have a fairly traditional household, just kind of reversed. I am the sole provider for our family. DH is a SAHD. When we met, we had a lengthy discussion, and it was something we agreed upon. We pretty much make decisions together, I can't say one of us has more say-so than the other. As I have gotten older, I sometimes wish someone would take care of me, but I wouldn't really enjoy that for long. I feel that my girls should be able to provide for themselves and any children they have without the help of anyone. If they should need help, they should ask for it, but not depend on it. I want them to never feel they need to put up with an abusive or unhappy relationship for the sake of making sure their children have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. I want them to have loving relationships, but never have to be stuck in a one-sided one.

Sallie

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 5:19pm
bwhahahahah!!! '"I am old, hear me whine"'----I am SO with you on that! ROFL
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:12pm

I was raised in an Italian heritage family with very strong connections to a larger extended family as well as various distant relatives and friends from Italy. My parents were immigrants and I am first generation born in this country. I still live among all these people who have very traditional views on life and love and family and the roles of men and women.

My older relatives and I mean those of my parents generation and their older siblings, were very traditional. For example my uncle, may he rest in peace, ran his house with a very firm hand. Women, including his 3 daughters, existed to serve men. If his wife was out of line he wouldn't hesitate to yell at her and give her a slap. His daughters couldn't make a move without him. He'd come over to my house, plop down on a chair and bark orders including to my mom. Don't get me wrong, I loved him very much but he was very old fashioned. Ironically, his oldest daughter ended up eloping with a guy when she was 16.... proving I think that where there is a will there is a way.

My dad was far less radical but still very very strict. And it also did not stop me from doing what I wanted to do when I wanted. He just never knew about it. Again..where there is a strong intention, roadblocks will be moved.

I fully understand wanting to feel protected and sheltered. It is hard having all this decision making upon yourself. Your dd brings home a boy and its all up to you to consider whether its okay for your dd to date him. There is no one to consult but your own instinct and what if it is wrong?

But I wrote my examples to help you understand that having a strong male in the household guarantees NOTHING. Young men and women who are determined to do something their way will do so despite their parents best intentions and involvement and certainly despite any rules that might be present.

I think having a man around provides a totally different value. They are there to give you another perspective on a situation and help you work it out. And then help you solve any issues if necessary. But its about having a partner and not another dad. I hope some day you find the companionship and support you seek and I hope, for your sake, you stay away from anyone who is wanting to make all the decisions for you. Because I know from what I have seen around me that is worse than having no one there at all....