Re: disrespectful behavior

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Re: disrespectful behavior
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Fri, 03-31-2006 - 8:43am

As an aside to tamarahar's post regarding his son, I'd really like to hear from others why they think our generation of kids seem so much more disrespectful towards thier parents than we did. I know it isn't any one thing, and I know that we weren't the picture of purity when we were teens, but you have to admit that things have gotten out of hand in regards to how so many of our youth do not respect thier parents, or adults overall.

Not saying I wasn't mouthy or downright 'fresh' with my mother, but I would never - NEVER - have considered cursing or swearing at her or calling her a stupid b!tch. I mean, I remember thinking things like that, but I wouldn't dare have said it. First off, she'd probably knock me into next week, but if my father were around, there's no telling how he'd react. I do remember once telling my mother to 'shut the hell up' and found myself charging to the bathroom and locking the door I was so shocked by what I said and didn't know what would happen next. My father was the quietest man around, but that day he took the door off it's hinges and threatened my life if I ever spoke that way to my mother again. I never did.

And I don't think fear was the key reason we didn't say stuff like that, heck, maybe some of us did and I'm just clueless. I had a lot of friends and when it came to the parents, there was that line you just didn't cross. Sibling, yes, we used to call each other horrible names and beat on one another, but not the parents. There was a line. And these days it seems that line is crossed on a daily basis. Not in my house, however. My 16dd a couple of time said things that were out of bounds, but she was quickly put in her place and we haven't had any issues with that kind of talk in our house again, thankfully.

Again, I don't think it was fear alone that kept us in our place when we were teens. I think it was that respect for elders in general was more prevalent, and especially the women in our lives, i.e., moms, etc.

All you have to do is listen to the pop station on your FM radio to hear the crap that is spewed into our kids' heads. The references to women are so degrading - speaking about women in general as disposable toys or stupid and easy to deceive. I remember certain songs being risque in the 70's and 80's but not so many being down right abusive the way they are now. A couple of years ago I can recall that I spent a lot of time explaining to my dd's (and thier friends) why certain songs were not really good songs, even though they had a good beat. We have the boy, J, that stays with us occasionally; he is bussed in from the city to attend our schools and he's become a member of our family. He and I have discussed this at length. He recently told me that I helped shape the music he listens to now. He said that he doesn't really enjoy the crud he used to listen to anymore since I pointed out so many of the lyrics. He is a writer and I notice his lyrics have cleaned up a bit as well.

I don't think it's just the music that's creating this comfort with disrespectful behavior, obviously there is more to it, but I can't help thinking that this age of 'anything goes' is slowly but surely creating a very hostile environment...in some areas, instead of our tolerance growing, it's diminishing...and to say you're a feminist has become a dirty word....the meaning of true feminism has even changed. I see so many girls today with an attitude like, "Well if HE can do it, so can I" but not in regards to bettering themselves through career choices and education, but in regards to slutting around and presenting themselves cheaply. It's no wonder some buys think it's okay to use and abuse thier women when they are the one's who perpetuate that type of behavior - it's like they have no self respect for themselves so why would anyone respect them? YNWIM?

I'd really be interested in other's thoughts on this.

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 11:26am

For my kids, pajama bottoms are only allowed at school on school days. Not that I think either one of them would want to wear the pjs to school any other day anyway, but had they ever asked ... no way. I'm kinda a little kooky about leaving the house with wet hair too. It has to be dry, or at least close to being dry.

<>

This happened to me a few years ago and I still can't get over it ...

One Memorial Day weekend, we invited a family we had know pretty much since we moved in here over for a bbq and swim. This was early on Sunday morning, at church, and was pretty much a last minute thing. The wife told me she would check with her DH and call me later that day.

She called about 7:30 that night, saying they were on, asking what time they should be over. I told her and took out an extra cut of meat to thaw --not a cheap one either.

Day of, I made extra snacks, dips, etc., bought more soda and bottled water. The family showed up, sans husband, a few minutes past the allotted time and said that they couldn't stay after all. They stayed approximately an hour and then left. Seems they'd had a better offer. So, there we were, the four of us with an obscene amount of food, two expensive cuts of meat and a whole afternoon in front of us with nothing to do because we'd planned on spending the day with those 'friends'. I was so hurt and so p!ssed off. This is also the same woman who would invite us out and spend the entire time on her cell phone every single time.

Needless to say, I haven't initiated anything with this family since.

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 12:21pm

My entire family are real garden and flower bed fanatics. Often, my sister and I may go out on a Sat/Sun morning, early, to the garden center to grab plants or supplies. On the way home, one of us will extend an invite to get together later in the day for cocktails and a BBQ. We'll agree, set a time, and - it never fails - just when we're about to either leave for her house or about to put the meat on our grill for thier impending arrival, she will call and cancel. Always within 10-30 minutes of our planned time! Like you, we seldom make plans with her and her family anymore. I know that last Summer's lack of time spent together helped pave the way for our falling out this past Fall/Winter. But, I'm not so bothered by it anymore. It's actually been a pleasure not worrying about how she will perceive things or whether or not our plans will actually take place!

Anyway, I know what you're saying.

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:34pm

<>

I know of several people in the community I live in that can quote the Bible chapter and verse, are faithful and active members of their respective churches, but who are also sorely lacking in social graces and common courtesies -- or perhaps they just don't care. They 'talk the talk' but don't necessarily 'walk the walk'. I've been on the receiving end of both the 'talk' and the 'walk' and the two don't always coincide.

 

 

 

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Registered: 12-28-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:46pm
I guess I should have said we don't apply what the Bible says. I understand what you mean because I have been there too. But if we would apply in our lives what God is telling us on how to treat people I think we would have a much better society whether it be adults or teens. I too say it's not just teens who have no respect. I say we all suffer from from it.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:01pm

I agree. I have friends who are supposedly very devout in thier religion and faithful to thier church, yet they will not be winning any parenting awards, okay? They are also the loudest and most obnoxious people to be out in public with. Everytime we go to ANY restaurant with them, they treat the waiter/ress like crap with a condescending attitude and complain complain complain, about everything. They expect the best behavior from thier children and neighbors, yet they think they are entitled to do and say whatever they want, when they want - the wife is very opinionated and speaks loud enough for people everywhere within earshot to hear. We recently went to the movie with this couple and I told my H afterwards that we will never do that again. They talked throughout the film and people were turning to stare they were so loud. Ugh. I don't get it.

I would have to say that I know Athiests who behave more politely and courteously than they do HANDS DOWN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:25pm

I think that if my grandparents would have had the internet, they would have posted this same question, yet they would have been speaking of Elvis and the Ed Sullivan TV show (I'm not 100% sure it was that show - a bit before my time). My parents would have posted about Heavy Metal and so forth. And now here we are. I think the youth of today have simply found something to shock the adults, just as we did.

While I know my dd and her friends swear, I insist that she doesn't around me or her sister. Even the milder (crap, friggin and such)isn't allowed and she knows that I don't approve of it. What amazes me is the adults that swear to/at/or in front of their children. What do they expect to get in return? Just my two cents.

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Registered: 09-07-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:59pm

My apologies to both you and Pay, and everyone about my comment about the board. To say I've been a might sensitive lately would be such an understatement it's laughable.

It just hurts soooo bad when my son acts as he does sometimes. I've gone from such a happy woman to one who cries almost every single day. So no one pay me any real mind right now cause I'm losing it.

zz

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 3:22pm

I remember the times you've posted about your son and know you are quite worried and under a lot of stress. I'm sorry to hear that things don't seem to be getting much better and I hope they do soon.

Sending {{{hugs}}} your way ...

 

 

 

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Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 3:26pm

First, {{Hugs}} to you, zz, and I hope it gets better soon!

My husband, my ex, and myself have been having this very disussion for months. It came up again after I busted my 13yoDD with her boyfriend at our house after school last week(will update on that later as I have a new question).

We came the conclusion that we all had a good healthy fear of our parents. Not fear for our lives, but a fear born of respect. Good ole' "wait til your father gets home" type of fear. I'm 35 years old and I'm still "afraid" of my dad and what he thinks as I make choices in my life.

My DD does not have this fear. I think there is a lack of respect at the root of it, and I'm not sure what I've done differently with her than was done in my life--With one notable exception. I've learned that I gave her the right to have, and voice, her opinion on things way too early in her life. Kids don't have a place in the world like we did. We were kids and we knew it. What we wanted came second to what our parents thought/wanted/decided was best for us and if we didn't like it, tough.

Though I'm not a particularly religious adult, I was raised going to church whether I wanted to or not; and I do think there are lots of things to be gained in the church environment (fellowship, respect, team building, making friends in a safe situation, etc) that many kids don't get elsewhere. I also believe kids need the exposure to religion so that they can decide to believe in something bigger than themselves.

I also agree that two-parent working households are making it harder for kids. Kids are being given too much responsibility too early in their lives. I have that problem because I have to work and am not around to help my DD make some of the decisions she shouldn't have to make alone.

Just my 2 cents in a $5 world.

Dani

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Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 3:42pm

I agree that there are DEFINITELY kids who come into the world wired differently, and all of our kids go through challenging phases. My heart goes out to moms facing serious challenges with their children or teenagers that go beyond the "normal" kid stuff.

What I mean in my post was that I see many parents who are not able to set limits on their kids on even minor stuff. Between my job and seeing friends of my DS6, I see kids walking all over their parents and getting away with it. Parents won't say 'no' to their children, or give in as soon as a child pouts. When my DD was in 4th or 5th grade there was a boy/girl party at someone's house (in the basement, I think). DD was not allowed to go. A friend of mine said "Yeah, I don't want my DD to go either, but she'll be so sad and mad, so ..oh well" At our Temple's Family Dinners, some kids are sitting with their parents and some are running around wild and unsupervised. Even assuming that some of those kids have shorter attention spans and need more movement than other kids (maybe have ADD, etc), there's still no teaching from their parents on how to behave in public. My DS6 says I'm "mean" because I don't buy every toy he wants, don't give in to every whim, and expect him to behave appropriately for his age.

Before someone flames me, I'm the first to say that I am not a perfect parent - there are many days when I lose it with my kids - and I do not have perfect kids. I just know that in answering the question about "disrespectful behavior" specifically, that we as parents have a huge influence on it.

Sue