Re: disrespectful behavior
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-31-2006 - 8:43am |
As an aside to tamarahar's post regarding his son, I'd really like to hear from others why they think our generation of kids seem so much more disrespectful towards thier parents than we did. I know it isn't any one thing, and I know that we weren't the picture of purity when we were teens, but you have to admit that things have gotten out of hand in regards to how so many of our youth do not respect thier parents, or adults overall.
Not saying I wasn't mouthy or downright 'fresh' with my mother, but I would never - NEVER - have considered cursing or swearing at her or calling her a stupid b!tch. I mean, I remember thinking things like that, but I wouldn't dare have said it. First off, she'd probably knock me into next week, but if my father were around, there's no telling how he'd react. I do remember once telling my mother to 'shut the hell up' and found myself charging to the bathroom and locking the door I was so shocked by what I said and didn't know what would happen next. My father was the quietest man around, but that day he took the door off it's hinges and threatened my life if I ever spoke that way to my mother again. I never did.
And I don't think fear was the key reason we didn't say stuff like that, heck, maybe some of us did and I'm just clueless. I had a lot of friends and when it came to the parents, there was that line you just didn't cross. Sibling, yes, we used to call each other horrible names and beat on one another, but not the parents. There was a line. And these days it seems that line is crossed on a daily basis. Not in my house, however. My 16dd a couple of time said things that were out of bounds, but she was quickly put in her place and we haven't had any issues with that kind of talk in our house again, thankfully.
Again, I don't think it was fear alone that kept us in our place when we were teens. I think it was that respect for elders in general was more prevalent, and especially the women in our lives, i.e., moms, etc.
All you have to do is listen to the pop station on your FM radio to hear the crap that is spewed into our kids' heads. The references to women are so degrading - speaking about women in general as disposable toys or stupid and easy to deceive. I remember certain songs being risque in the 70's and 80's but not so many being down right abusive the way they are now. A couple of years ago I can recall that I spent a lot of time explaining to my dd's (and thier friends) why certain songs were not really good songs, even though they had a good beat. We have the boy, J, that stays with us occasionally; he is bussed in from the city to attend our schools and he's become a member of our family. He and I have discussed this at length. He recently told me that I helped shape the music he listens to now. He said that he doesn't really enjoy the crud he used to listen to anymore since I pointed out so many of the lyrics. He is a writer and I notice his lyrics have cleaned up a bit as well.
I don't think it's just the music that's creating this comfort with disrespectful behavior, obviously there is more to it, but I can't help thinking that this age of 'anything goes' is slowly but surely creating a very hostile environment...in some areas, instead of our tolerance growing, it's diminishing...and to say you're a feminist has become a dirty word....the meaning of true feminism has even changed. I see so many girls today with an attitude like, "Well if HE can do it, so can I" but not in regards to bettering themselves through career choices and education, but in regards to slutting around and presenting themselves cheaply. It's no wonder some buys think it's okay to use and abuse thier women when they are the one's who perpetuate that type of behavior - it's like they have no self respect for themselves so why would anyone respect them? YNWIM?
I'd really be interested in other's thoughts on this.

Pages
I think we've heard so much about "child abuse" that parents are afraid of disciplining their kids.
Ditto Sue, I'm with you 100% on this one. Although my dd has neuro-bio disorders, we cannot use that as an excuse to allow bad behavior. Some times it's been like treading quicksand to get her to where we need her to be. I'd say that the most difficult task with her has been to get her to understand acceptable and appropriate behavior in public. She gets it. But it's been hard getting her to all these years. And, also, she misreads social cues, so it's been a long lesson in human behavior trying to teach her or show her or prove to her that what she hears isn't always what someone meant. Also, we didn't always have the support we needed from our families and the schools so we were quite literally all alone in our endeavors to help our daughter.
I've known parents who are just to worn down to fight it anymore and sometimes, when I see what they are up against, I almost can't blame them. It's sad because the entire family is in pain and it shows.
I hadn't read your post on the other thread before I responded. I truly feel for you. It is amazing how deeply words can cut - especially when they are hurled at us by someone we love. If it's any consolation, your ds will undoubtedly feel quite lousy about how he spoke to his mom someday.
jt
jt
<<>>
From my family I've heard everything from I should have never moved so far away from civilization when he was young, to I should have never bought him that bass guitar last year, to we (family-funded) should have never sent him to that summer camp last year.
In my little neighborhood where I grew up, in a very small town, many men have gone to prison at one time or another, some many times, some for many years. And there were 2 women who did also. The variety of parenting styles was enormous. (and this was middle- to high income area at the time) And the parents thenselves were never more than aquaintances. I find it impossible to believe that ALL these parents "can't be totally blameless". We used to have a joke that it must be something in the water.
I feel your blanket statement above is unfair and I feel its mostly based upon your personal experience with S. And you are to be highly commended for taking on, and accomplishing, such a task. But please don't judge all of us by that. Or even either most of us. Much less some of your statements about 9 of 10 of us must be responsible... that's hurtful and just untrue.
Anywayzzz, you know I don't mean to offend. Just wanted to say my piece. Peace.
zz
Hi there...a lurker here coming out to join in this highly energized thread!
I too parent children with 'special needs'. Two of my 4 have mild ADD and one has severe ADHD with an anxiety disorder. As much as we have to parent them all differently, we have common expectations of *HOW* we treat others.
At the risk of taking this down to too much of a nutshell... basic 'kindness' seems to be lacking in much of society. And, I don't thing it's all a generation issue. My dd16 and I were shopping the other day. We were looking at something...a lady (I would say she had to be at least 65) just walked in right in front of us to look at the same thing...so close in front of us that we had to step back. No 'excuse me' or anything. I know this in itself is not a big deal...but these are basic manners. Just as much as being polite to waitresses or cashiers. I EXPECT my children to use these manners and will correct them if they don't.
I remember a friend of my ds's (he's now 21) from hs. He was a 'goth' dresser...dyed black spiked hair...piercings everywhere. But you know what...he was one of the best kids I had ever met. He always used good manners, always thought of his friends feelings and went out of his way to help people. I always felt badly that he was so often judged *BECAUSE* of how he looked.
My parents always taught us that *HOW* we treat others has a lot to do with *HOW* we feel about ourselves.
It may sound extremely simplistic...but really...paying it forward does a lot to help society as a whole.
Susan
No, no offense was intended... and my views aren't completely based on our experience with S, but from working with a lot of kids through job training programs, in 4-H, scouts,
I remember when "The Simpsons" first aired. I couldn't believe the disrespect towards the parents! I see so many shows and commercials where the children almost arrogantly provide their parents with wisdom, while the parents look like they have been clueless. This trend of the younger generation being wiser than the older, especially when it is shown with disrespect, is being copied in real life. My children seem so influenced by tv and commercials, and of course, their friends. When my step-daughter was a teenager still living at home, she had to try just about every shampoo she saw on tv as if it was "the answer" to her problem hair. We could have filled a grocery cart with all of the hair and skin products she HAD to have, and were barely used.
Another reason I believe there is so much disrespect is the well-intentioned schools and social service agencies making sure our children know that we are not allowed to raise a hand to them. I do not believe corporal punishment is necessary, but I do believe that if my child is trying to leave the house when grounded, won't go to school, or is somewhere they shouldn't be, I should not feel unarmed. I believe many parents do not have the time, energy, or support to handle these situations.
I can't help but mention that our children also have too much time without supervision, and too much freedom. I was "allowed" to use the car, when I asked and had good reason. I was not handed a brand new car for getting my license. If our generation contimues to give without expecting in return, or having consequences in place, we will continue to have children who do not care what they do. What would be their punishment?
Pages