reality check
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reality check
| Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:28am |
Hi. I've been reading this board for a while now and have gotten lots of good ideas. My issue is that I have a DD15 who has her first boyfriend (also 15). They are freshmen in high school. We do not allow her to go to her boyfriend's house just to "hang out", even if his parents are home. The only exception is if he's having a group of friends over, and this has only happened once or twice so far. We think it's best if they go out with a group of friends or if he comes over to our house, where we can supervise. My DD, of course, thinks this is way too strict and "everyone else" is able to go to their boyfriend's house. I should add that we are not 100% comfortable with this boy's parents yet. What do you do? I think it's easier to loosen up on the rules than to have to become stricter later on.

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I agree with everything that you've written. Just keep on doing what you are doing!
Amelia
Stick to your guns! We allowed group outings in our home at 14 to 15, no one-on-one dating until 16. Yes, DD (16) thought we were living in the Dark Ages since "everyone else was doing it"! Guess what now that she is 16 (has been for 5 months), tonite V-Day will be her first non-group date. She has had a string of BFs but none that lasted more than a month.
She still thinks we are cave people since we do not allow her at any friend's home unless we know them and speak to the parents (one exception her best friend's house). We are so backwards, as she frequently comments.
I have learned to trust my instinct, if you are not comfortable say NO! That right accompanies her birth certificate under parental entitlement.
Happy Parenting-Anna
There's nothing wrong with "when you are 16..." or "when you two have been together X number of months...."
If you're not saying something along those lines, I certainly would so she doesnt think this is "forever"(although it surely seems that way at 15 no matter how you phrase it)
It would be much harder to have regrets and try to tighten up the restrictions than the way you are doing it!
Just playing devil's advocate here, but....
If all conscientious parents are saying "you can only hang out with your friends HERE where we can keep an eye on you" - just who are our kids hanging out with at our house? Because theoretically, most of our kids' parents are saying "only at our house" so nobody could go anywhere, kwim?
Here's another thing to think about.... School gets out between 3:30 and 4:00. Around here most parents don't get home until between 5 and 5:30... there are very, very few stay at home moms, and most of those are the kind who keep popping out kids so that they can continue to get their welfare checks until they're old enough for social security. So how does a parent know FOR SURE what their child is up to in that 1-2 hours from the time school gets out until the parents get home?
Rose
While I do agree w/ your last sentence, I probably would let a 15 yo go to the BF's house if the parents were home. Sure, you can't be 100% certain they will supervise every minute, but why would things be any diff. if 4 kids were there instead of 2? If you are worried about sexual activity, do you really think the parents would let this go on while they are at home? And what would make you more "sure" about them? I think it's pretty hard to get a handle on high school kids' parents like we did when the kids were in elem. school. I have gotten more of an idea of my DD's friends' parents by getting her judgment on them, such as that one girl's dad was "creepy". Other than the parents that I got to know by standing on the sidelines at soccer, I might have met them for only 5-10 mins. Pretty much everyone seems normal for that amount of time. I supposed you would have to be direct and say "This what we are worried about. Do you allow...?"
BTW, when I was engaged to my 1st DH and was 25 yrs. old, he was still living w/ his parents for a time (actually we both were). His mother used to say she was uncomfortable w/ us watching TV alone in his room. Of course, we did manage to have sex, just not while we were watching TV in the house and his parents were awake.
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