Reality Check...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Reality Check...
16
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 3:12am

Ok ..you've heard me gripe quite a bit lately...
First, DD is in a great place. We talk fairly openly. She's respectful. She's not acting out. I am so very, very proud of her. I could go on and on.

My difficulty lately is a series of incidents with her friends. I really need to know if I should back off. She's getting more frustrated with me. My curmudgeonry appears to be getting in the way and it's driving her crazy.

Now..tonight's "incident" involved 4 girls and one boy who came over to visit and spontaneously decided it would be fun to sit in the hot tub. DD's a swimmer so she had a number of suits for the girls. One girl did not wish to hop in, so I thought she and the boy would just sit on the deck and visit with the group. I looked out the window and saw boy in the hot tub in his boxer shorts. I went outside, handed boxer boy a towel and calmly but firmly said you need a swimsuit to do this. Please wrap yourself and get out of the tub.
DD is mad I "made a scene." In their defense, (they're all 15-16) nobody was acting stupid or immature or even paying notice that boxer boy was in his shorts. The shorts appeared to be a "heavier" brand, and it wasn't like he was hanging out of them. To this group, it was no big deal. Boxer boy actually seems like a nice kid.

Yet, when I was that age, I would never THINK of doing such a thing at a girls house. I am often amazed at the lack of boundaries some of these kids display.

Would you have ignored this situation?
Frankly, I think I blew it. All I was focusing on was "underwear" when the reality was that he was appropriately covered. But.. undies?? ugh..

Notice my waffle? lol.. I love teenagers. They make me second guess everything.
So let me have it. Do I need anti-rigidity training? DD seems to think so.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 5:39am

As a fellow Dad...do I think you overreacted...NO.

Think about it in the opposite...what would you have done if there were 4 boys over and your daughter stripped down to her undies and hopped in the tub???

If this boy is a close friend of your daughter's and they enjoy the tub in a group setting (I would be strict enough that I would not allow just the two of them in the tub, but that's just me), then maybe it would be appropriate for him to bring a bathing suit to keep at your house for those moments when a dip seems like someting they'd like to do.

Enough Said...you did exactly as I would have done.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 7:04am

I'm definitely in this line; maybe just old fashioned, but although I have a boy, I can see that turnabout would NOT be right (much more obviously than thick boxers) so I'd have done the same thing.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 8:10am
I think you handled it well. "Making a scene" would have meant freaking out (as I may have done in a similar situation). Your dd may have been embarrassed, but not becuase you "overreacted". The kid probably didn't mean to be out of line, they think of boxers (as the girls do about pjs) as "clothes".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:01am

I don't think you were out of line. Your daughter may just be a little "over-sensitive" but I doubt if the boy in question will hardly remember it. Boxers ARE different than bathing trunks. And in the same way you wouldn't condone the girls appering in only their bras and undies, you should apply the same standards to the boy. Maybe if she brings it up again, you should ask her why the double standard.

I frustrate my 14 yo all the time with the conditions I set on her freedoms. And when she gets too peeved I remind her that at her age I had far, far, less priveleges as I grew up the daughter of European immigrants.

Kids need boundaries. And as parents we're going to piss them off on occasion. But that's what it takes to raise a safe, healthy kid past these teen years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:28am

My DD is so modest and enough of a prude that seeing a male (other than her dad or 11yo brother) in his undies would probably have been embarrassing for her. I would have done exactly the same thing.

Maybe for future tubbing parties, you can keep a couple pairs of teen sized trunks around for the boys?

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 11:37am

hmm...I wonder how this would have gone over with my friends. Either the guy would be weirded out of being in his underwear, or one of the girls would say, "ew, gross, don't come in here in your underwear!" Or, if we were all feeling open minded that day, we'd think nothing. He's covered up, we're covered up, big deal.

Personally, I really don't see anything wrong with it, but I do understand how it'd be uncomfortable for a parent to see that. One of those "*rolls eyes* okay dad, i'll humor you" moments, lol.

"curmudgeonry"...I had to look up that word...I like it!



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Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:26pm

personally, I would've ignored the situation...

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 1:22pm

I tend to agree with Becca. I might have felt uncomfortable upon first seeing the boy in his boxers, but I would first have thought it over before reacting and then, most likely, come to the same conclusion as Becca. As you stated, Daddioe, the boxer material was thick and you couldn't see "anything" through them.

I don't think the situation is equal to that of a girl wearing her undies in the hot tub since girl's undies tend to be made of lighter, see through fabric, especially when wet. Additionally, boys view girls in udies differently than girls view boys in boxers. The sexual aspect is a bit different, if you know what I mean.

Over the years, I've learned to stop and analize the situation first, before jumping in. Trust me, it's hard to do sometimes, but I've learned that it pays off.

Mily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 2:03pm

I'm with Mily and Becca here; however, keep in mind you didn't "overreact" and it won't be the first or last time your DD is embarrassed by your actions. :-)

I'd go to Costco or Sam's and buy two or three pairs of boys' swimming trunks -- our Costco always has OP brand, and they're about $10 or $15. Buy a size 30, 34 and 36, and you should be covered for all her guy friends. They also good to keep handy if any of your friends are over and you all decide to go in the jacuz.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: daddioe
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 8:10pm

Everyone (as usual) has very good points.

After sleeping on it, I've decided DD will just have to get over it (Which she actually has done today)
Regardless of the innocent nature of this particular situation, it's still underwear.
I just don't want underwear in my hot tub. "Suits only" keeps it simple and I don't have to be the underwear cop to teenage boys (ugh). "Come here son. Let me see if I can "see you." Nawww.... I just don't think so. :=)
We had about 6 extra swim trunks and they've gradually disappeared. Time to make another store run..

As an aside, we had a great day today. DS ran the Twin Cities marathon in just over 4 hours. We all had fun cheering him on.

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