Rebellious 17 YO breaking up home
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| Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:37am |
Okay, I feel really weird writing this because I'm actually writing this for my parents.
A little about me:
I am 20 years old. I still live with my mom, dad, and 17 year old sister. I've lived my years as a (moderately) rebellious teen, and now I'm on my way out of the house and getting married (thankfully...). I would just like everyone to get along again before I move away so I can enjoy our last year together under one roof. Okay, enough about me. Now about that lovely little teenager I live with...
As I said, I have a 17 year old sister...lets call her Lacy. Lacy has always been the child who butted heads with my parents. From the time she could talk, she was always the one giving my mom a hard time. Whether it be throwing a tantrum in Wal-Mart, biting another kid at preschool or hitting my mom and telling her to shut-up....she has always pushed to see how much she could get away with.
Now she is 17 years old and pretty much comes, goes, and does as she pleases. When I was her age, I went through the whole rebellion thing, too. The difference with me, however, is my parents kept me under lock and key...my friends called them psycho...I called them over-protective...my parents said they were just doing their job. My parents were, in truth, strict on me. I was pushed to make good grades and excel in after-school activities, and all my friends and dates were thoroughly given the once-over (sometimes twice) by dear old dad. My parents even went so far as to ban certain friends of mine they didn't like from the house. I hated them for it then, but I can certainly thank them for it now.
Now, as my sister has reached those rebellious years, my parents have become consumed with other matters in life, primarily their marriage and financial situations. My parents have more or less let my sister loose to go where ever she wants, with whoever she wants, to do whatever she wants, no questions asked. They sometimes don't even know where she is or who she's with. Before you go and automatically say, "well, there's the problem," let me just say that my sister doesn't exactly sit back passively as they hand her the keys to freedom. She screams, slams doors, yells, hits, blares music, cries, manipulates, plays one parent against the other, says cliche stuff like "so-and-so's parents let so-and-so"...the works...until she gets her way.
Lacy is also disrespectful to me. She has no admiration, respect, or at times, love for anyone in this family. She will blatantly call everyone an idiot or moron, cuss my mom, insult me in everyway possible, scream and yell at our grandmother, and trash-talk our family to her friends (who are often shocked by her actions). She has what appears to be high esteem for herself and her friends. She often says she would give anything to have been born to one of their families. She has encouraged my parents to get a divorce so she could finally "do what she wants."
My sister has been consumed with her appearance, friends, and social cliques since she was in 9th grade. She dumped all her old friends to hang out with the "popular" crowd. Boys, friends, clothing, and her appearance are all she seems to care about. She used to be a straight A student. Now, she's making B's, C's, and D's. She even had one F on her report card recently. She skips school all the time and is constantly getting in trouble for using her cellphone at school and for talking and laughing during class.
My dad never seems to step up to the plate when it comes to disciplining Lacy. He would let her get away with murder. Even though he was once a rebellious, uncontrollable teenager who got into a world of trouble, he sees nothing wrong or abnormal with her behavior. My mom would like to discipline her, but that's like an ant begging a big, mean kid to stop burning him up with a magnifying glass. My mom usually winds up getting in a screaming match with her then gives up, saying, "Fine, do whatever you want. I don't even care anymore." I know they need to get on the same page and work together as a unit in disciplining Lacy. This is a MAJOR part of the problem. I've tried talking to them and even giving them advice on what they should do (take away cell phone...ground her for a weekend...turn off her internet), but they never seem to listen. That, or they just think I'm trying to be the mean older sister who wants to see my younger sister in trouble - which isn't the case.
I've tried talking to her. I've tried having our aunt talk to her. Nothing seems to get through to her. I've ran into her coming out of places a 17 year old girl does not need to be. I told my mom about it and she just shrugged it off and said, "Oh well. She lies. I can't stop her." I just want to grab her by the shoulers and shake her and tell her to quit being such a push-over!!!!
I'm at the point where I'm ready to walk away from the situation and never look back. There's never any peace in our home anymore. There's always someone fighting - either my parents or my sister. I don't know what else I can do except pray. I know this is forever long but I'm writing it out of desperation. Please, if there are any parents out there going through the same thing or have already survived it, I would appreciate any input.
Thanks!
Ally

I'm sorry there is so much chaos in your home right now, but honestly, if your parents won't step up to the plate and BE PARENTS to your sister, I don't know what to say.
((((((((Hugs dear sister))))))))))
I really don't have any great advise for you, but the one thing I would say is If I were you I would print what you wrote to us and give it to your parents. They might feel differently if they saw what is going on in their house in the written word, especially how their other daughter feels about it. Even if you have tried talking about it, print it and let them read it! Just an Idea. Good luck,
Julie
Thank you all for your responses!
I don't know if I have the umph to talk to my parents about my sister again. My dad won't listen...he won't even respond. She's his little princess (I'm not saying that in a bitter way, either). My mom just says it's going to have to be my dad disciplining her because she won't listen to her.
I wouldn't doubt if my sister moved out right after she graduated, either. She'll be 18 in November and then graduating the following May. Consequently, I'm getting married next May. I overheard my sister once say "When she gets married, I'm getting out of here, too."
She wants to move out of state and go to a university. There's nothing wrong with that, but when I mentioned her following my footsteps and attending the local community college to save money, she acted like I had suggested becoming a nun. Sometimes I think she looks up to me, then others, like last night, I'm pretty sure she's repulsed by me and hates my guts. She's often said she would hate my life. To her, all I do is pour myself into school, work, my fiance, and my dog. But that's where we differ. She has to be surrounded by 10 girl friends at every moment, doing something "fun" and "exciting" or she's miserable. That's why I don't think anything I would say to her would work. I'm the nerdy, loser sister who has no life (according to her...I happen to like my life!). What would I know? lol
I really don't know what to do now. I want to help and I want her to grow up and be successful and happy, but at the same time, I'm ready to wash my hands of the situation. But that's often easier said than done with family, huh?
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Ally
Dear Ally:
Sorry about your situation. I think that since you & your DS are so different and yet there isn't that much age diff. between you, you really aren't going to get through to her. If your parents are able to pay for an out of state univ or your DS can get financial aid, then maybe that will be good for her.
If your parents aren't willing to be parents, it's really their loss (and your sister's) and there's not much you can do about it. You might still report things to them if you know something that's illegal or dangerous going on, but it really isn't your responsibility. If there is another adult in the family or close friend whose opinion your DS would respect, maybe he or she can get through to her.
Maybe you can get lucky and move out sooner.
I would also say although the situation is very upsetting to you , just let your parents be when it comes to your sister. try to enjoy the company of your parents and your sister without getting involved with what is going on between the two. It isnt really your responsibility to take on , although I know you feel helpless in this situation. I am sure your parents need you to not just move on and forget about them. after all they did do a good job raising you . they would most likely miss you . just try not to take this situation as something you have to fix. your parents and your sister will eventually work everything out even though it may take time.
I can understand your concern about your sister and your parents. As the oldest of 5 children, I came to see that the farther down the birth order the children were it was easier to let them do as they pleased rather than being the big bad meanies.
Some of the things you say here seem to be cries for help from your sister that aren't being heard. She needs discipline that is consistent and supported by both your parents. Playing one parent against another can cause tension between the parents as well as being the tool she's using to get her own way.
Her pushing to see how much she can get away with is her way of testing to see what limits are and whether they will actually be imposed.
Your parents being concerned with other matters is a way of hiding from the problems. This is something they will regret when she is in more trouble than they expect.
Using the excuse that "so and so's parents let her do something" is another way of saying tell me that you care. This would be where my parents would have said, "If your friends were all jumping off a bridge would you jump along with them?" There are times to show her that being different can be the difference between life and death. If your parents aren't willing to step in, she may end up learning the hard way. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it sounds like unless she can find someone to sit her down and show her what her actions are like, maybe by mirroring what her behavior looks like to you she may not change and suffer the consequences.