Relationship advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Relationship advice
18
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:33am

Good morning. I am just a loss for words, maybe some advice or words of wisdom!!!!!

My daughter has been dating a guy for almost 2 years, she is 18 he will be 18 in a month.
They were just an amazing young couple, they are both good kids, smart and talented and had plans to continue the relationship and make it work, maybe even marry in college.

Everything has been fine, they went to both proms recently and he was at her graduation last Wednesday. Went out as usual during the week. Friday he said he was so tired and couldn't do anything, Saturday he said he couldn't do anything. Then he called her to come down and proceded to break up with her. She said he was crying hysterically and shaking. He said he didn't want to do this, but he is so stressed and he has so much on his plate he feels he just can't be with anyone right now. They cried and cried together.
He called a couple of hours later crying and apologizing and began to tell her that him and his dad have not been getting along, they had a fist fight the other night and the b/f had take some pills. He just threw up. He has ADHD. He took pain pills. On the surface this looks like the perfect family, if you know the type, the Cleavers. Apparently not so behind closed doors. Then they talked and decided instead of breaking up, not to see each other till he gets back from Texas, he leaves this Saturday and comes back July 1. My daughter agreed, she really loves him and thinks it worth the wait and pain.

Sorry so long, my dilema is, she wants me to tell her what to do. He didn't call yesterday, after he said they would talk everyday on the phone. But he worked all day and may have fallen asleep and I told her not to cal him. Should I just go along with her and let her wait the time out that he needs till he gets back from Texas, or just tell her to move on. Or just stay out of it. She is in so much pain, it is killing me to see her.

Thanks for allowing me to get that out.

Andie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:54am

It's so tough to see your kids hurting, isn't it?

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:53am

I agree with Pam; I think you just need to listen and be supportive.

I LOVED college. I only had a steady BF for a short time and, in retrospect, that was a good thing. One is entering a brand new world and should be able to experience it fully. The freshman girls with steady BFs never joined in activities-they were going somewhere-often home-every weekend to see the BF. And every one of those relationships ended by the end of freshman year or mid way through sophomore

Of course I would never tell her she is better off; just listen and hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:06pm

So I am best not to tell her what to do at all. Let her make the decisions and just pray it works for the best.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:17pm

That's what I would say.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:40am

If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours. Remember that piece of advice? It fits in this situation. Sounds like he needs a tiny bit of breathing space, like he's over whelmed right now. They are young! Maybe they aren't the ones for each other. My advice to her is to let him call. For her to tell him that he can call her when he wants to talk, other wise, she will assume he's working or other wise busy and not call him. Tell him that this is time for him to get the space and air he needs. Then, she needs to get busy with summer activities until he returns. She should assume they are still together until he tells her different. My guess is that he actually did something (or someone...) that he shouldn't have, and the guilt is eating him up and it's easier to blame a lot of other things than to admit what really happened.

Then, stand back as the mom and wait for the fall out, because it's probably gonna be a lot of crap and a lot of pain before this is resolved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:09am

I think all you can do is listen, hug, and let her ride this out herself. When my HS bf broke up with me after two years (OK this was 500 million years ago, but still....) I thought the world would end. It didn't. It's hard for us as adults to convey that to our teens - there *is* a future, and one day you'll look back on this and either he'll be your husband and you'll laugh about that goofy summer of '06 or both of you will have moved on and you'll barely remember it. For the person in the middle of the breakup, it's impossible to see that future. So, as the mom I think you are just in a support role.

extra ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) for you! It's hard to see our kiddos in pain!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:40am

Thanks so much for the posts. Although now I am angry and scared. He hasn't called in two days, she tried to call him last night and he was out. I'm scared for my daughter. She is going to talk to her therapist today. She is saying she can't imagine her life without him. She won't sleep or eat and she only weighs about 90 lbs soaking wet anyhow. I just keep thinking how many parents said my kid would not commit suicide right before it happened. If this were an ordinary situation, I would just say okay, teenagers! This is soooo uncharactistic of this boy. They have been best friends and more since they day they met. They always had this thing between them, they would say, "you have my word" and when they said this, the promise was never broken. He said the other night, "you have my word" this was meaning they would work this out. Like I said, this kid is not a liar or a cheat. That is more the problem with her, this came like a bat to the head. He has been totally fine, no indiciation of problems till the day he called her down to break up with her. She said it was like it wasn't him talking. I have valued myself a very good judge of character and I am usually right. I can't imagine this kid is up to no good. Always has been very honest. He actually has a concionce? Now all this, it is almost like he has taken the potion that turned Dr Jekyll into Mr. Hyde.

She said she has to find out what is going on. She is going to football practice and wait for him today. I just pray that goes well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:15am

I don't know the history of what your family has experienced but I can see where this is weighing heavily on you with good reason

I have an 18 yr old boy and he is pretty clueless as to what he wants. I do indeed think the boys mature a little slower.

It's not at all hard for me to see this boy behaving as he is but, obviously, I do not know this lad, just the age itself.

Are they both graduating seniors?

I think one or both of them moving on HAS to be a relationship stressor. Either worrying about what the other party is going to do or worrying about ones own ability to stay faithful

I would expect this to be a challenging time for any couple with some kind of fall out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:29am
To me it sounds like this boy is wanting to move on a bit and that's perfectly normal at his age.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:44am

She has just graduated, but he is going into his senior year in high school. Even though they are not that far apart in age, the way our school district works, he started a year after her.

She is going to college, but a close one, only about 25 minutes away. And she will be home on the weekends. They even talked about that, he wanted her to come home to go to his football games Friday nights, and she said she would. He knows how she feels and that she doesn't want anyone else. So even though I understand the age thing, this is just way out of character for this boy to be this way.

I had actually thought of the college thing, he may figure that she is going to find someone else there anyhow, so ease out of it now before it gets to that. But the uncertainty is literally making her physically ill. She was gonna go down to the football field today and remembered that he does not have football till tomorrow.
They mean way too much to each other for this kind of behavior.

As far as the reason for my fright, we have had medical and financial difficulties for about two years now. My husband tried to start a business and it went under and just when we were getting back on our feet, he had a heart attack. We are probably going to have to move and it was rough even getting her into college. Now she feels like the only thing she had left is gone too. That is why I am so afraid. He knows all this stuff too, which is why I can't imagine he took this time to do this, he knew what it would do to her and he never hurt her ever before.

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