Relationship advice
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| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:33am |
Good morning. I am just a loss for words, maybe some advice or words of wisdom!!!!!
My daughter has been dating a guy for almost 2 years, she is 18 he will be 18 in a month.
They were just an amazing young couple, they are both good kids, smart and talented and had plans to continue the relationship and make it work, maybe even marry in college.
Everything has been fine, they went to both proms recently and he was at her graduation last Wednesday. Went out as usual during the week. Friday he said he was so tired and couldn't do anything, Saturday he said he couldn't do anything. Then he called her to come down and proceded to break up with her. She said he was crying hysterically and shaking. He said he didn't want to do this, but he is so stressed and he has so much on his plate he feels he just can't be with anyone right now. They cried and cried together.
He called a couple of hours later crying and apologizing and began to tell her that him and his dad have not been getting along, they had a fist fight the other night and the b/f had take some pills. He just threw up. He has ADHD. He took pain pills. On the surface this looks like the perfect family, if you know the type, the Cleavers. Apparently not so behind closed doors. Then they talked and decided instead of breaking up, not to see each other till he gets back from Texas, he leaves this Saturday and comes back July 1. My daughter agreed, she really loves him and thinks it worth the wait and pain.
Sorry so long, my dilema is, she wants me to tell her what to do. He didn't call yesterday, after he said they would talk everyday on the phone. But he worked all day and may have fallen asleep and I told her not to cal him. Should I just go along with her and let her wait the time out that he needs till he gets back from Texas, or just tell her to move on. Or just stay out of it. She is in so much pain, it is killing me to see her.
Thanks for allowing me to get that out.
Andie

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Well, I have to share this.
What causes people to do what they do. Are people in this world really so uncaring and selfish.
My daughter gave in and tried to give him a call the night before (which I did not know about) and they said he wasn't home. Then tried to call again yesterday and knew something was up. In as much pain as she is in, she called again in the afternoon and his dad said "He will call you when he is ready". After two years and what these kids mean to each other, what the heck is this kid doing. He won't even talk to her, something is up. He would call her 3 or 4 times everyday for two years and now this.
Well I called the dad. I know he is lieing to me. He was making it sound like his son just said all the stuff he said for two years just because he was a a teenage boy. This kid is not like this. Then he said his son is so stressed he isn't going to date anyone right now and maybe they are just going their seperate ways. He said, most people meet their partners in college and they will not be together and will want to date other people. Who said this, the dad or the b/f. But they are making it sound like my daughter read more into a two year relationship than there was. NO WAY. I am thinking this is 50 50 half the b/f half the parents who don't want him in a relationship. Controlling mother and father, we knew that. His dad said he needs to concentrate on his football that is all he really cares about and wants to do.
I have to take my daughter to the doctors, she is home throwing up. Why would this family who treated her like a daughter in law do this to her????
I'm sorry your dd is so upset by all of this.
Thanks for all the advice. I do not have boys so maybe that is why it is so hard for me to understand that you can change from literally one day to the next. No lead up, no problems no nothing. Just to chuck the whole thing like she never existed.
Again girls are different I understand that. But I will guarantee if the girl was theirs they would be singing a whole different tune. And I firmly believe that there are many high school romances that last and are very stable. And they should have told him a long time ago if they didn't want this to be a long term thing to stop doing and saying the things he was doing and saying (which they knew about even though they won't admit that now) His mother would even say, when you guys have kids you need to tell the doctor how big he was as a baby so they can monitor you. My daughter tried to take a break several times during this relationship and he would cry and go nuts and beg her not to leave him that he can't live without her. That is a little much, maybe she shouldn't have believed it, but after two years you trust someone. This was going on as recent as several weeks ago.
She is going to leave him alone, I am seeing to that. I just feel like he should suffer some of the consequences of his actions too. Girls always get the brunt of these situations, they are too emotional, or too needy. Not in this case he was the emotional needy one and his parents and him should have stopped this a long time ago. And she deserves to much more than what she is getting from him. To not to even talk to her or email or anything before he leave for Texas is just rude and cruel
Believe there will be no further contact. I only hope his parents have learned a lesson as well as he about this and if this is not what they want and they want to control his life till he is 30, stop it early on before someone is hurt so deeply that it is a matter of not trusting people for a long time.
Let's hear it for the girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be careful not to convey to your dd the feelings that you have expressed here - you sound like it's the end of the world, too. It's natural for dd to feel that way, not so much for you. Remember that she is looking to you - and if you are also beside yourself with what has transpired and acting like its just so horrible and terrible you are only going to feed her despair. If you act this way over a teenage romance, how are you going to react if and when she ever gets a divorce? Those happen sometimes, too.
Speaking of controlling, IMO calling the dad was completely inappropriate and way over the top. And the lesson these parents have learned, and one I've taken away myself, is that these teenage romances should never get this serious. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need a wake up call. I really am sorry for your dd. It hurts and feels like it's the end of the world. But it's not, as so many here have said, and as you probably know yourself. Model for your dd what it's like to be an independent woman that doesn't necessarily need a man in her life....good luck.
I suspect he IS hurting and that is why he is avoiding her. If he didnt care at all, he would not hesitate to confront her and tell her to blow off. He could even do so in an unkind manner. In some ways, this is better. Would it REALLY be closure if he told her he was bored or that he never cared that much-he just wanted a pretty girl to strut around the high school halls with??? Nahhhh.....
Mind you, I am not saying he cares enough to restart the relationship-just that this has most likley been hard on him too!
You dont know that this is coming from the parents and not the boy. You are convinced YOU know him better than they do which sounds like emotions talking when you get rational about it! Of course they know him best-just as you know your dd best. They are trying to protect him and if he wants this breakup, they are going to help shield him from unwanted phone calls and visits. Their concern is their son. Sure, they should have some feelings for your dd but not over their own boy. If he needs time, he needs time
As someone has stated, be a good role model for your dd. The more seriously you take this, the more seriously she will.
I remember breaking up with my first love-all my mom did was listen and hug me. A decade later she told me she was glad-she knew how badly it hurt at the time, but she knew I would have had a rough life with his family(they didnt approve of me)
I have to say it would have made that time more difficult if she had been anything less than a rock for me.
Be that rock....
I agree with what you are saying, and I have been there for her with all the hugs and love that I have. Yes I have cried with her, she is my little girl and I always cry when she cries no matter what she is crying over. When she says to me, why did this happen to me, there is something wrong with me. of course I am going to get upset, any parent that doesn't well..... And as far as calling his dad, she was glad that I did, then she truely knew that he was ignoring her, it hurt but the not knowing was worse. And I told her at that time, no more calls. She listened to me.
Just you said, their responsibility is to their son, mine is to my daughter. I do not show to her that I am upset over the breakup, I'm not, this is venting.
You said about setting examples, that is for everyone. I have always taught my daughter no matter if it is her friends or dates or any sitution, you need to be honest. If you are honest you will never go wrong. That is teaching them intregity He was out of it once, then he called her back crying and screaming he didn't want this he loves her so much blah blah. His father needed to say to him then, end this. This was not a month or two, this was two years. You know as parents, two years is a lifetime in teen years. These relationships very rarely work, but again, boys or girls, we need to teach our teens responsibility. When do we determine, okay, they are old enough now to know better. I know 50 year old people who still don't know better.
They are what we teach them. If we instill values and morals, they will have them. If not, just hope they come out okay anyhow.
Sorry to sound angry, again just venting and maybe a little menopause seeping out.
Andie
I'm really sorry to hear about all this heartache. My DD is still very young (13) and just starting to take an interest in boys. On the one hand I feel excited for her but on the other I worry about all the heartaches to come. All those memories come back and I guess when a child goes through it you re-visit all those feelings. My advice would be to keep her busy, give her lots of hugs and spoil her a little. It will take time but she will move on and who knows maybe they will get back together someday.
I'm so glad I'm not a kid anymore!!!!!!
Suzanne
Thank you so much for kind words. These years are challenging and fun. Enjoy every moment of them. Take it slow, it goes by so fast. Hope you and your daughter are well!!!!
I give her so many hugs, she probably thinks I am attached to her hehe
Andie
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