relationship with my son is shifting ---

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
relationship with my son is shifting ---
6
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 4:18am

he is finally acting like a "real" teenager, up till the point that we left home (and STBX) - we both were kind of protecting each other from the "common enemy" so to speak. now - he is rebelling against me. whoosh ----- it is weird, though i know its important and healthy, it just kind of hit me all at once.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 3:21pm
Well, sk, there's a school of thought that says the more change that hits at once, the easier it is to cope with ;-) (maybe when we're blindsided, we just don't *feel* the rest of the stuff going on as much...?) I think that's sometimes true, depending on 'what' it is.

Your son at least now feels safe TO 'act out'. You are his constancy and 'safe harbour'; the person he knows he can count on to love him no matter what happens and to be there for him irregardless. I'm sure there's more than a little anger that will also come out now that he's freed of the 'STBX'. Just as you will likely have anger that needs to be lanced. It's a very good thing you are both seeing a therapist and that you are both willing; these are tricky waters to navigate, but I'm sure you will both get through them. Hang in there!

cl-kkiana

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 4:28pm

thanks for the support. I am very glad we stayed with the therapist (STBX stopped going, of course, cause he doesn't need therapy lol). and I am hoping and praying that my son will get back into school this week and STAY THERE!!! he needs to socialize with other teens, and get some kind of part time job, so that "I" won't be his whole social interaction anyway.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 6:48pm
ITA with this advice. Taking things out on you is almost the best compliment you can get from him because he loves you and trusts you so much. (at least that's what I keep telling myself. LOL)

Ellen
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 4:11pm
thanks ellen. i am hanging in there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 2:36pm
{{sk}} ... this is a tough time. Don't forget that you're dealing with a 'process' and processes TAKE time ... things are not going to change as fast as you want them to, or as fast as *you* are ready for them to change. The situation took a long time to develop, and it will take time to come full cycle ...

I realize that sounds trite. But I've also learned that when I stop myself and remind myself that something is a *process* and what that all means, it helps me to have patience and to 'see the bigger picture' - something that we, as adults, do better than our teens can do, because we have more of life experienced TO see a bigger picture.

Also, when a person has removed a situation that has been fraught with difficulty, or anything that is persistently negative, coming out of it unleashes negativity that HAS to come out for it to be overcome. You and your son will both have lived through this same situation with different *responses* to it - but you will both have issues that were long buried in order to cope with the everyday. Sometimes things seem to come out in a flood; other times it just *feels* like a flood ... sometimes a flood is better insofar as it gets a lot out all at once, and other times it feels excruciating because once you appear to have dealt with one issue, there's always another one right there. Whatever way it comes, this is a necessary part of healing - exhausting and upsetting, but in the end, hopefully it will be purifying.

{{{HUGS}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 2:10pm

thanks --- you are so right. i do have to remind myself to be patient. sometimes, when my son lashes out at me, or acts like a "teen" - i am glad! weird as that sounds, because it means that things are "normal", or at least the way they "should" be.


I also know that we are going thru the euphoria stage, and that after the dust settles there are many issues to deal with. but we are dealing with them! and now that we are no longer dealing with my STBX on a daily basis ---- we are both so much more calm and ABLE TO DEAL with things.