Repeat punishment??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Repeat punishment??
12
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:06pm

I am at a loss, I just do not know how to match the punishment to the crime.

My DD has trouble waking up (getting ready)for school every morning. It is a constant battle to get to school on time, and I drive her! She has been tardy so much that she has a contract with the school now, where if she keeps it up we go to court.
What do you suggest is a good punishment or idea of how to get rid of this nasty habit.
So far I have taken away every single thing when she is late (computer, phone, tv, i-pod etc) I say for 7 days but normally only do 2 or so. Sometimes I feel it is too much, but other times, I wish she would see it as its too much and not do it again.
Also the talking back and demanding to get reasons for punishment, decisions etc is getting to me... I try to stay calm...but usually end up yelling. I am afraid one of these days I am going to have a breakdown. She has said she hates me more than 3 times in the past 2 mos. Claims that I am hurting her by not understanding etc. I just need help.

On another note, last semester she brought home and F in science, And 2 D's Algebra & English all academics... What to do?? Any input is appreciated.

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Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:33pm

Wow that is some school that has such a contract!

What is causing the tardiness? Finding an outfit to wear? Showering for an hour? Make-up? Doing Hair? Just Dawdling? or simply just not waking up?

I guess if I was in this situation, I would wake her up 30 minutes or whatever earlier and just stay on her with it? Does she have a sleep disorder that makes sleeping/waking difficult?




Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:37pm

I have a chronic oversleeper. I've decided that at 17, he must not be getting enough of my attention. Now, he is required to go to bed before me. I go in around 830 to tell him the little boys (2 and 5) are going to bed, so he turns his music or tv down. I go in around 930 to tell him its time to wrap things up. I go back at 10 and tell him to go to bed. I check again at 1015 and at 1030 if I need to, to be sure he's IN bed. Then again at 11 (or midnight if I fall asleep, dh wakes up and does this) go in and tell him to turn his music off. He falls asleep better with it on, but sleeps better with it off. He also wakes up better if its off.

the day I had to start doing this, I told him multiple times to get up (no one ever woke me up when I was in high school!) and he didn't, but he complained about me waking him up. I told him "get up now, it's your last chance." He said "or what" and I picked up the spray bottle and sprayed him! He got up right away, got ready fast and pissed, had a generally crappy day. I apologied after school for spraying him. I hate being woken up suddenly like that, it makes me have a really bad day (I don't wake up to a buzz or beep for the same reason). We haven't had any problems since.

However, he also is a senior and was able to drop his first period class, so he doesn't have to be there until almost 9 now. If this is an option for your dd, it might be worth looking into. I know that for my ds, it was the safest option to ensure he'll graduate. I also know that military is gonna come as a huge shock to him!

If you are gonna say 7 days, do 7 days. If you really only mean you are too angry to be reasonable, say that instead and impose the punishment later. I firmly believe in saying what you mean and meaning what you say. When you say 7 days, but it's only 2 or 3, she knows that, so she pushs you, knowing you'll give in. Figure out what it is that's keeping her from getting the sleep she needs, and remove that, or add that... If she's not sleeping well because she's a total couch potato, she needs to move more, so she can sleep better at night and can get up in the morning. If she's going to bed at a reasonable time, monitor her and find out if she's actually sneeking out at night, which would leave her too tired to get up in the morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:39pm
I wake her up a good hour before she needs to leave, sometimes its hair, sometimes its fiddling, shower...its a great many things cant say just one. But mostly I guess it all comes down to her not getting up as soon as I wake her up...she stays in bed for a few min to maybe 20. She is "cold" she says or "tired" I put the heater on in the morning to prevent the cold but it doesnt help. She goes to bed at 10, I have tried sendig her to bed at 9, to give her more rest but it doesnt help. I think its pure laziness. She moves slow and figures she can wait till the last min, after all she is being driven...etc.
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:51pm

In your profile you say your dd is 12...Is that her current age? (I know I forget to go in and update mine sometimes). 12 may be a little early for that infernal, I mean internal (!) clock to go haywire in teens. You know, where they become night owls and then can't get going in the am? You don't mention what time she goes to bed, so I'm assuming it's a decent bedtime.

My 1st thought was for every time she is late to school (or late to get up) try making her go to bed 15 or 30 mins earlier that night. If she goes to bed at 10:00 pm, and she is late that next morning, then that night she must go to bed at 9:45. If it happens again, then it becomes 9:30. Granted, she may not actually go to sleep, but she has to be in bed with the lights, TV, radio off, etc.

My second thought was when you mentioned her grades...have they suddenly taken a turn for the worse or has she always struggled with her classes? Why are her grades falling? Can you tell? (like not turning in homework, not understanding instructions, etc) I ask because my ds14, when he was in 2nd grade, was failing miserably in school, cried all the time, and somedays I had to force him not only to get up and get dressed, but force him into the school doors. Turns out he had an LD and a touch of ADD (sounds weird, I know. Long story...) Once we addressed those issues, he became a different child. Please understand, I'm not saying that your dd has what my ds has, or any other problems like that; I just want to point out that *sometimes* there are underlying issues that could be causing problems.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:51pm

Well, set a time to leave by in the am. For example 7am, for every 5 minutes that you miss your "leave" time get her up 30 minutes earlier, or whatever you deem fair. Or set the clocks 10 or 20 minutes ahead (but don't ell her). You can buy one of those really super annoying alarm clocks and set it across her room. Change the routine to showering the night before. When dd went through this as a stage I sent both dogs (German Shephards in her room) that would usually get her up. It can be done... does she understand the seriousness of the problem? What could happen if the court gets involved?

I also agree with the other poster about sticking to what you say you are gonna do...easier said than done. It is so easy to say things out of anger and when this have calmed down and you realize how out of proportion it is, letting it slide, but, like what was said previously, if she knows you'll cave, it's not going to be taken seriously.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:41pm
Thanks,
My DD is 13 going on 14 in a few mos.
To answer some questions, yes her grades have always been good, A's B's, she is in honors classes etc. She is a smart kid, As far as that goes. What caused the slip up? I think the same thing that is causing her to not wake up...Laziness. No comprehension of responsibility etc. She knows that going to court etc will only be bad for her and me. Yet she doesnt seem to "try" hard enough to keep that from happening....as far as school work...she does slack off...she turns in work late..or not at all. For Example: She claims to not understand her algebra teacher, therefore cant do homework, but utterly refuses to go to an "aftermath" class that is held voluntarily after school 4 days a week. She will prefer to "hang out" with friends after school. I dont get off work until almost 5. Its like her priorities are way off. She knows cause and effect but does not do anything to alter the effect, if you know what I mean. I just dont get it, at her age my mom never had to deal with this...I know every child is different...but geesh!
On another note: what are your "rules" for homeowork, computer, tv time, etc... Maybe its time to dictate strict schedules..even if she thinks the world is coming to an end if she cant listen to music while doing homework....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:52pm

I wouldn't call it punishment, I would call it the law of natural consequences. Since she cannot get up, she is obviously staying up too late. Give her a firm bedtime and stick to it. If you back down, she won't take you seriously. My dd is 14 and her bedtime is 9:00 - most school nights (american idol and finals being notable exceptions). On weekends and summer, she has no bedtime, but I get her up at 10:00 a.m.

At 13, your dd really needs her sleep. Since she can't get it in the morning because she has to get up for school, she'll have to get it in the evening. If she complains (and she probably will), allow her to read or write in a journal until she is tired - but stay firm on the tv, ipod, etc.

It is noble, but a tad unreasonable, to expect her to get it on her own. She needs you to guide her.

Good luck and sweet dreams!

jt

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:50pm

My dd is a procrastinator and often underestimates how long it will take to do some regular task (like dry her hair) so she is always running behind schedule. And she resented being told to do things like choose and lay out her clothes the night before to speed up the morning routine.

Eventually I told her that we were leaving at X o'clock whether she was ready or not. She could go to school in her pajamas or finish dressing in the car or whatever but she was not going to be late anymore. It took a couple of times of her pulling on clothes in the car for her to accept that I was dead serious and I wasn't going to give in so she'd better make some changes. And she got very good at applying liquid eyeliner in a moving vehicle!

I also agree with the suggestions to have her go to bed earlier at night, connected with being late in the morning. Eventually she may figure out that getting up on time in the morning is better than losing time and privleges at night. Or it could be something beyond her control...Do keep an eye on the grades, behavior etc. It is not uncommon for learning disabilities and other disorders to surface at your dd's age, especially in girls. Bright kids are often able to compensate and get good grades throughout elementary school but can't keep it up in Jr Hi and HS. ADD, depression, etc can be masked as laziness, fatigue and other behaviors and parents don't know if it is normal teen stuff or something more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 10:17pm

My DD tends to be a dawdler in a big way. DH has driven her to school since she started middle school (6th grade) and is now a freshman in high school.

The only thing that speeds her up in the morning is knowing that she'll face 'the wrath of dad' if she's running late. They have a long commute and deal with heavy traffic the whole way so he is on her starting about 6:30! She often comes downstairs in barefeet, unbrushed hair, no makeup, etc. She grabs what what she needs and gets in the car as is, finishing up on the way -- including eating a grab and go breakfast!

Sorry, no words of advice other than to try turning dad on her. Works for mine. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:43pm
I had a friend who had the same problem when her dd was in 6th grade. So she gave her a choice. Be ready by a set time or mom would be leaving & dd would have to call a taxi or whatever & pay on her own to get there. As it was a choice & she had to pay the consequences she was left in charge. Needless to say, after the 1st taxi, she was on always on time! In fact, one of the many "Love & Logic" parenting classes I went to had an example about the idea of having to go to court, if it ever gets that far. Cline & Fay (the authors of the books & classes) talked about when one of their sons might have to go to court for speeding & the father said "who is going to pay?" the son had the choice- drive slow, pay for his own lawyer, or pay dad to represent him through chores etc. Guess what? The son suddenly saw the consequences & as the ball was in his court had to take the consequences of his choice- to speed or not to.
Good Luck!

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