Requiring Teens to Attend Church?

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Requiring Teens to Attend Church?
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Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:13am
Hello Friends,
We are Catholic and have always tried to attend church every Sunday. The kids have grown up this way. Over the years there have been Sundays when we didn't attend mostly due to sports (swim meets, wrestling, baseball tournaments). But if there wasn't a sports conflict where the team was counting on us (I know that opens another can of worms, but stay with me on this one topic for now), we were in church on Sunday. We have two teens and a preteen now. They go to church unwillingly, but they go most of the time. They even help... the teens help with Sunday school and the preteen is an altar server. Sometimes there is an event that comes up (i.e. staying at a friends' overnight). My husband INSISTS that we go get the child and make them go to church. Over the past few years, he has become a very strict Catholic and lectures the kids on what they should do as Catholics. I guess I am just a little more relaxed on the subject. I consider myself very spiritual and I really think the kids are too. I think that by forcing the subject will turn them off. They have talked to me about this... they hate it when Dad lectures about the Bible. They've made the point that they are good people and have faith. We discuss prayer and having faith around home. My husband tends to go overboard on alot of subjects, not just church, and feels it necessary to "drive the point home." Instead, I think that a nice discussion where the kids can give their opinions is more effective. I don't know.... maybe it's good to have one parent who is more strict and one who is laid back. But DH and I argue at times about our differences in approach. What do you all think??
Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:08pm

well. i am jewish but i think the bottom line is the same:


first of all - FORCING the issue will usually cause the opposite effect. of coure, OTOH - i do understand that this is part of your family tradition/schedule, and just like you expect your children to show up at meals etc you expect them to be part of THIS tradition too.


the other issue is the difference between your DH and you. i notice this in jewish religious life as well - some women are more spiritual and connected to God. and men have more of a NEED for the structure and rules because they don't have that ability to connect spiritually the way that women do.

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 5:06pm

I can certainly relate with your kids. My DH has, also, become very devoted to his faith(also a Catholic) and his constant "preaching" and "holier than thou" attitude are turning me off of the Catholic faith. I was never too deeply involved to begin with, but I was trying to become more interested until my DH's recent obsession. So, I understand how your kids feel. Forcing them to attend church isn't going to make them more devote. This is a decision they have to make for themselves. We used to make our kids go to church with us when they were younger and they hated it. I finally realized that they weren't even paying attention. So, I finally decided to let them make the choice on their own. My DD (20) has decided that her faith is important to her and she attends church regularly. My DS (17) still hasn't found his faith. Hopefully, he will in the future. I've seen it happen in others. If not, I can't force him.

Mily

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 4:09am

I haven't read the previous responses before answering. I think you need to tell your kids in advance that they will be required to attend church, but you are past that with your kids. My oldest refuses to attend. My DD11 has been told she will not be given the option to attend until she moves out.

Anyway, I think the lecture method your DH is using will fail, blow up in his face and be a miserable mess. He simply needs to lead by example. Period. A "good Catholic" doens't just talk the talk, they walk the walk, and he needs to start walking. If he wants the kids to attend church every week, then they need to not spend the night with friends on Saturday nights. My kids generally don't spend the night with friends on Saturday if that means they will miss church the next morning. However, they do stay over with friends that attend similar church like ours, and that works out ok for us.

Really, your DH needs to lighten up, or he's gonna blow it. But, that's just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:17am

Aww… your poor DH is being such a ...well....such a guy. :-)
“Point driving” is a guy thing. And what better topic than religion for major dogmatic point driving.

Seriously, it’s great that he takes his faith seriously. It’s just too bad for the rest of the family that his version of “good Christian” is manifesting itself in this manner. I think the job of spititual leader is going to have to rest on your shoulders Jupiter. And the kids are probably old enough that they will survive knowing that mom and dad do not agree on this issue. The main thing is that spirituality is alive and well in your household.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 2:23pm
Daddio, it is always great to know what a man thinks about these situations. Thanks for your thoughts. Best wishes!
Debbie

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