Rose
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Rose
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:53am |
Rose and any others that want to,
Please look at my post on the college students board. I tend to think along the same lines and would really appreciate your opinion on this one but am too lazy to post again.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psppcollege&msg=1867.1&ctx=0
Thanks to any of you that can respond to this.
Lia

Hi tobylady - I just read your post over there! I was all set to reply, but then, I thought "I don't actually have a kid in college yet, so maybe I should shut up"-lol. But, since you've asked....
I have the same reservations about my younger dd(16). She's been talking lately of attending a college or university (and even having the you-know-what's to look at private schools to boot!) and there is just no way that is happening with her, for several reasons. First and foremost, without someone constantly reminding her, this dd will not do or turn in her HW. She needs a team of people constantly reminding her when a paper or project is due, even if it's a weekly assignment like current events for crying out loud! Second, if she has a bad day or even the wrong look from a friend or teacher, she's a mess. She is not emotionally stable enough to handle the ups and downs of a Freshman year on a campus - that's the harsh reality. And lastly, and this sounds awful for a mother to say, but I will not pay to have her waste my money. If she would honestly take a look at some smaller, closer to home or community colleges, I would be more than happy to take her sudden interest in college seriously. But I can't help but wonder if her newfound interest is only because her BF is going to a tech school near Boston and that just happens to be where all the schools she's interested are. Up until this year she's always very strongly said she would not attend college and WE'VE been the ones trying to get her to change her plan.
So, I'm with you 100% - if you don't think she could handle it and you don't want her to waste her money partying away at college and she's not quite got her head on straight yet then I'd say that you should follow through with your plan to exercise some caution. Definitely sit with her and show her the options she has available and let her know what you will and will not do to help her and under what conditions - she needs to know up front that if she decides to pursue this on her own that it will be tough. Make sure she knows that you have the confidence that she will able to do this, even if it's on her own, just not yet. One year even in a community college can be all it takes to mature to the level you feel she needs to be at.
But this is from a mother who isn't quite as experienced as you are with college students! Almost there with my 18dd, but not yet. Good luck.
I'm probably not a good one to weigh in here, since my ds19 was told by his college that he needed to take a semester off to decide if he really wanted to be in college or not! LOL So, anything I say, take with a grain of salt (I have no more idea what I'm doing than the next person, LOL)
Both my boys inherited money for college. They know that whatever money is unused after college expenses, will *eventually* become theirs to use as they wish. So, if they want to attend an expensive college, not apply for scholorships, grants, etc. then they can use their inheritence. But, when it's gone, it's gone. I've explained to them that someday they may need help buying a car or a house, or something, and if they have used their inheritence unwisely, then, well, tuff noogies. I was lucky enough that at least ds19 chose a very inexpensive jr college to get kicked out of. :) My ds was wanting to go to a 4-yr school, but I explained to him that the 1st 2 years didn't really matter, he would being taking just basic courses anyway. Then, if he did well and wanted to, we would transfer him to the 4 year for his last 2 years. It also helped to sit him down and show him line-item by line-item the difference in the costs between the schools. Would that help your dd at all, to actually see how much it all costs (I included dorm fees, student union fees, everything that cost money)? Perhaps, if you could find another jr college maybe even *near* the college she is wanting to go to, might make you feel better and she would still be on her own. (At first, I thought your local community college would be ideal, but I understand about, by working there, it could be uncomfortable for both you and your dd.)
Perhaps you might tell her you will supply $XXX for school and anything above and beyond that she will have to come up with herself-whether by loans, grants, or income from a job. At the same time, let her know if she truly gets into a jam, you will always be there to bail her out. Hopefully, she will see this as on offer to let her be on her own, yet still have some sort of safety net. Or let her go one semester to this school, letting her know she is on "probation" of sorts. If her grades are not acceptable or whatever other conditions you want to apply, are not met, she will not be able to enroll at that particular college the next semester.
Then again, what do I know?? :)
Actually, you sound like you know quite a lot!
Lia, I think you need to look at a few things at this point, and depending on what your answers to those things are, then you can figure out what you want to do with your DD's situation.
1.