Rude Behavior or Just Shy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Rude Behavior or Just Shy??
13
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:18pm

This past weekend I had a debate with dd's bf over dd's shyness. BF's mother's family is very talkative and loud and they perceive anyone who doesn't talk as rude so needless to say they do not like my shy dd and think she is a snob. DD and bf have been together for 18 months and every time dd goes there for some family function this comes up for debate again. BF gets in an argument with his mother over the fact that dd is just shy but she insists that dd is rude. And then bf lectures DD that her shyness is just an excuse. My DD was extremely shy when she was younger and has really come out of her shell A LOT but she still has some social anxieties in large crowds and can tend to clam up. She says hi to everyone but then doesn't really talk unless someone talks to her (she's the same way with her OWN family!). She says that she just doesn't know what to say and she refuses to be fake and compliment someone if she doesn't really mean it especially since this woman makes no secret about not liking my dd. But BF feels she should walk into someone's house, say hello, ask how they are and compliment their home and how they look. My DD is soooo not like that! My DH was shy as well and he didn't start becoming more social until he was past 30 and DD is only 17 so she has a way to go yet. BF also insisted that dd send his mother an email thanking her for inviting her to the Labor Day picnic because when dd left later that night the mother was sleeping. I really don't think an email is necessary but maybe I'm just rude too. I've hosted many picnics and parties and if I happen to miss a few people as they head out the door I do not expect an email afterwards nor do I ever get one. I told the bf that he needs to accept DD for who she is and that if it bothers him that much then he needs to find someone else that is more social to fit into his loud family.

While I believe in respect and proper manners I do not like false flattery that often time comes in small talk...I would call that butt kissing. My dd is an extremely honest person so maybe that is another reason why she has such difficulty with small talk in large crowds. But it really got me thinking about proper etiquette and maybe I haven't taught my dd the manners or social skills she needs. Would you perceive a shy, quiet person as rude or would you accept them as they are??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:00am
I think at this point your DD has to simply try to please her boyfriend, if she wants to preserve the relationship. I have a little sympathy for her boyfriend, he's caught between his girlfriend and his mother, that's got to be hard at his young age. She should do what he asks, e-mail the Mom with a nice note, show it to the boyfriend. She just needs to show him that she is trying, he will eventually figure out that Mom is blocking the relationship. Which is a dumb move on the Mom's part, but that isn't your problem. Tell DD to use her acting skills! It's actually good "getting along with difficult people" practice. She also needs to think about how life will be if this lady were to become her MIL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:33pm

I don't know if my reply is going to be similar to the OP's but being the mom of a relatively shy dd, I can understand some of what you're saying. I know my dd isn't a big chatterbox when she meets new people; and I'm sure if her bf's family was making comments about her being too shy, it would probably make her even more uncomfortable around them. I'm a bit surprised that the his mom is making such a fuss about your dd being shy. Maybe she's bothered about something else...maybe she's not ready to see her son dating yet or something. Frankly, if she would like to see your dd to open up, she could try a different approach, such as trying to make her feel included and welcomed into the family. I'm sorry, but your dd is only 17.

On the other hand, I would expect my dd to be pleasant when she meets people, to put a smile on her face, say hello, etc. I personally don't expect most teenagers to have full-blown conversations with me...that's how teens are--some of them aren't big talkers when it comes to grown-ups. But, I have told my dd that people sometimes mistake shyness with snobbiness or rudeness so it's best to smile and say hi so that people don't think that.

As far as the thank you email goes...that probably would have been a nice gesture. Plus, a thank you note is always appreciated by the hostess. If my dd was invited to a picnic by her boyfriend's family, I would definitely ask her to write or email a thank you. Plus, a few extra brownie-points can't hurt, especially with this mom. :-)

Well, I hope things work themselves out for your dd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 8:21pm

I feel sorry for the young man in this situation - he's being put in a position of having to choose between his mom and his g/f, and that's never good.

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