Safety v/s Fulfillment
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:55am |
I have a question. I know most parents would prefer their teens not have sex. But when we choose too anyhow, do you prefer that we have enjoyable and fulfilling sexual encounters or awkwardness and disenchantment?
I feel pretty lucky because I know my mom only cares about my safety. A lot of my friends seem to have parents who give very mixed messages. My favorite is, "Sex is something special," but then the only place their teens can find to have sex is in the back of a car! (IMHO that so very unromantic and uncomfortable). I even knew one girl who lost her virginity in a movie theater restroom.
I would say all parents want their kids safe i.e. no pregnancy or STDs. But how do you personally feel about your son or daughter being sexually satisfied?
Holley

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Animals do not use birth control, and they have sex pretty much when and where they want. But we are humans. People in undeveloped nations get married and then have sex at a much younger age than is now customary in our American culture. Our grandparents, in the 1800s, got married at a much younger age than Americans now do. Because women then did not work outside the home and often didn't have more than an 8th grade education, getting married young, having babies and being a housewife was it for them! They knew nothing else.
Now, you young women have so many opportunities, and to be saddled with children or the emotional baggage of STDS and abortions is nothing we wish for our children. That is why we parents say abstinence is best until you're ready to raise children. We know our kids will still want sex, it's the animal instinct in us, but we also have well-developed brains and, unlike animals, can use self-control. And we humans communicate and share emotions on a much higher level than animals do.
We have no daughters,and we tell our DS17 to abstain; but if he absolutely can't, to be sure any sex is safe. We always stress the potential responsibility of caring and financially providing for a child. We want him to enjoy the freedom he has in his youth without having to deal with unplanned consequences that could weigh him down. No BC is 100% effective. I hope you and your boyfriend are ready for any suprises, and if you are,and know that you can stay healthy emotionally if they happen, then you're probably okay having sex. But most teens are not ready to handle the consequences.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Dear Holley:
I am sorry that you are living in such an abusive situation and you are only 16. No wonder you are clinging to your BF for affection since your parents are certainly lacking in that dept. I hope your BF is nice to you.
I am speaking as a lawyer w/ a lot of experience in the family law area. It is not ok that your dad beats the kids when he is drunk and your mother does nothing to stop this. It is not ok that she's a dr. and can give you medical treatment like stitches. She should not be allowing you kids to live in a situation where you are being physically abused and, if she is a dr., I assume that she makes enough money that she could support you w/o your dad's help, so that's no excuse. Is your mom being abused by your dad also? I wouldn't be surprised. I have also seen many situations where women in upper classes don't want to admit that they are abused because they are ashamed of what is happening, or don't want their husbands to get in trouble.
Is there someone you could talk to about this, such as your guidance counsellor, a minister, another relative or call a hotline about child abuse? You deserve to be safe. It might be pretty scary for you to think about the fact that you might even be removed from the house, or the social worker might let you stay w/ your mother if your father moves out, but just think about how much nicer it would be for everyone to live in a house where noone has to worry about your dad getting drunk and beting you up? Why do you think that your young sister is willing to go out w/ and have sex w/ a 23 yo man? She is probably looking for affection that she isn't getting at home.
If you are the oldest, please think about your younger sister and brother and your sister having to put up w/ this crap for another 3 yrs. Believe me, this isn't suddenly going to go away once you turn 18 and move out. My DH was physically abused by his dad when he was a kid, to the point that for a time he had to move in w/ his friend. He's now 51 yrs. old and he still has effects from it to this day. One ex. is that he doesn't like to have anyone approach him from his left side because his father used to make him sit next to him at the dinner table and his father would hit him from the left. He can be at work or even at home only w/ the family and if someone approaches him from the left, his first reaction is to make a fist to defend himself. I am way more concerned w/ this problem than w/ you having sex, but I think that if you get yourself into a healthy family situation, maybe you will discover what a good relationship w/ a man is also. Please let us know.
>>>Did I get it right?>>>
Not exactly. I don't care if they have good, bad, or great sex. AND I don't want them to become hoes.
If I had my way, I would want my dds to wait until they were settled in thier lives to even have a bf - you know, be independent, live some more, travel a bit, make personal choices about who they want to be, who they want to be with, what they want to make as a career, educate themselves, etc. BUT, since I don't get to have my way, I have to merely act as a guide, teach them appropriate behavior, how to respect themselves, thier bodies along with their hearts. There are condoms that can protect them from disease and pregnancy, but there is no such thing as a condom for the heart.
So much adolescent/teen behavior is hormone driven and they haven't yet learned the skills to reign that energy in yet. Thier impulses are all over the place and they have a hard time looking into their future and figuring out where they want to be in 2 years, let alone 5 or 10.
I think that there are some teens who are very mature and are capable of making educated decisions - I do not feel that this is a black/white issue - that's too simplistic for you to believe that there is one answer. Yes, there may be some kids who are capable of handling all of the intricacies of a sexual relationship. However, I think the larger majority of teens are not capable of this.
It's nice that your mother treats your relationship with respect - she should. I treat all of my dds' friendships and romances with respect. I believe that the feelings mutually shared between two people at any age are to be respected, that's not an issue. However, I think your mother is doing you a great disservice by allowing you and your bf to live as husband and wife under her roof. I think that if one or both of you decides to leave the relationship, this extremely intimate and strong connection within the entire family will be life altering and especially shattering to you and may very well adversely affect your future relationships. It's almost incestuous to me that at 16 your parents allow your bf to sleep in your room and treat you as a married couple; I say as a married couple because that is most certainly what they are doing.
I think that at 16, a person should be strengthening who they are, thier character as a human being, developing and strengthening thier existing friendships, dating casually without sex and maturing by taking on outside responsibilities such as a job or charity work. I think that allowing oneself to become so entrenched in ONE relationship at such a young age stunts one's personal growth and development. I think that may be why there are still so many people in thier mid-thirties and forties who aren't quite sure what they want to be when they grow up!
Has it ever occurred to you, your sister, your mother or your father that the reason you and your sister cling to male relationships and sexual intimacy at such a young age is due in any way to the fact that your father, the KEY role model in your lives growing up, is abusive?
Just some clarification and some other things to think about.
Holley,
If I would want to make it easy for my teen to have good romantic sex, I would furnish the lavish hotel room with hot tub, wine, massage oil, strawberries and whip cream...I could go on. I DON'T THINK SO! If my teen chooses to have sex, they can (and I know they will eventually)have sex just as UNsatisfying as it was for me at times! And I will tell you right now, I started having sex and 16 and regret it. No matter if it was in a bed or in a truck, it was not satisfying because I was too young, the guys were too young. It wasn't until I met my husband that sex got satisfying. And, like another one of the posters, sex doesn't have to be in a bed or whatever to be satisfying. I have had sex in trucks, cars, boats, friend's bathrooms, and yes, even in the boondocks! Heck, ya gotta keep it interesting. But I know my teens will most likely have sex. If and when they do, the #1 priority is to keep them safe from STD's and pregnancy. Whether they are satisfied is the least of my concern!
As for your dad, I am so sorry he is the way he is. I do not know what to tell you. And it sounds like your mom just looks the other way, and that should not be.
The abuse is not that bad anymore. It is still there, but nothing like it used to be. My oldest brother moved out and his life has dramatically improved. The rest of us are just waiting for that to happen too.
Both my parents make a tremendous amount of money. To everyone on the outside we are the perfect family. My parents do a lot of community work. Dad volunteers as a public defender and mom volunteers at a teens health clinic. They are active in school and a bunch of other things. Everyone thinks because we are wealthy that means we are happy. It doesn't. Mom would never leave dad because it would pull off the fine veneer that covers our household.
Nobody is going to say a word about the abuse. We tried that when we were younger and things got much worse. All my siblings and I have agreed to just wait and leave.
Holley
>>> If I had my way, I would want my dds to wait until they were settled in thier lives to even have a bf <<<
You want asexual children until their like thirty then suddenly you want them to get married and give you grandchildren? That seems like the most un-realistic thing I have ever heard of.
>>> However, I think your mother is doing you a great disservice by allowing you and your bf to live as husband and wife under her roof. <<<
We personally love it. It works out very well for us and it doesn't seem to bother anyone. When my boyfriend has to pee late at night he still 'tip-toes' past my parents bedroom out of habit. It is so cute.
>>> Has it ever occurred to you, your sister, your mother or your father that the reason you and your sister cling to male relationships and sexual intimacy at such a young age is due in any way to the fact that your father, the KEY role model in your lives growing up, is abusive? <<<
I think my sister started dating the guy because all her friends were doing it. They had money, cars, weed, alcohol, etc... That stuff was hard to get at 14 and it just carried on when they turned 15.
Holley
She is a doctor, what do you expect? LOL! My mom is like SuperMOM. She bends time and space in order to get everything done. She works, volunteers, takes care of us, fixes supper, cleans the house, waits hand and foot on dad and somewhere in there she occasionally sees a movie or reads a book.
Holley
Haven't read all the other posts yet. But my $.02........
That's what masturbation is for.
What teen needs a member of the opposite sex to make it uncomfortable or place strings on it for them? KWIM? Solo sex, is the way to go as a teen. You get extremely satisfied and you know just what to do to feel good, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant, taking a pill, putting on a condom, or getting an STD. And, you can roll over and go to sleep without having someone bugging you and you don't have to be frustrated b/c he or she didn't "get it right" or you didn't get to finish.
See, it's not that hard.
Sallie
mom of 4 girls
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