SD bisexual? Cutting? HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
SD bisexual? Cutting? HELP
3
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 8:22pm

I posted this on the trouble teens board also but I am posting here too. I am new to this but I need some eyes to help me out.

Hello,

A few days ago I went into my BF's daughter's room (I consider her to be a SD). She recently started chatting avidly. I try to keep an eye on her for her safety. Well when she closed it quickly I felt the need to read some of it. I archived it and scanned it so as to not totally invade her privacy. I went and spoke to her about the fact that the person had asked if she was alone or not and to watch that. I also saw she stated what school she went to. I explained by that people could figure out where she lived and find her if they wanted to. I explained a lot about being safe and protecting her, us, and my son, who is six. Okay well I said nothing about the other things I read while scanning. She brought up some of it and wanted to talk about it. It was freaking her out. She was not angry with me and understood why I did what I did and pretty much just was glad it was not her dad instead that did it. She said a few things about her mom and her dad which we talked about. Well she also said things about being bisexual but I really just figured she may have been bluffing as some people do on chat. Well she explained that she really felt like she was bisexual and maybe in fact gay. I tried to reassure her that I would not tell her dad and she was going through confusing times. We just moved, same town different house, out of the house they all lived in together (her mom, dad, and her). Mom and Dad split up last year and mom moved 3 hours away for a man. SD lives with us (dad, me, my 6yo son). She says she has experimented with a girl before and liked it. This was weirding me out to be honest and I told her I did not like it but I thought no less of her if she was and that I would not tell her dad. I also explained if she tells me things that endanger her or anyone else I would have to tell him but on things that did not she could trust me. All I told dad was that she and I talked and I thought she was having a confusing and hard time. I told him to spend some time with her and that I hoped her mom did too. He kept asking me questions and I told him that she needed someone to talk to other than just chat buddies and I would not jeopardize that by telling him things she said in confidence. I have suspected she might be gay or bisexual before and her dad thought I was insane. I do not know if she is or not because when I was her age, 14, I never would have dreamed of that (I am 32 now). It was not an issue then like it is now with young teenagers. Am I right in keeping this to myself? I feel that I am but man it is so hard. I have a friend of mine that lives elsewhere that I want to talk to about it I need to get some advice on this as well. I do not want to talk to my family or anyone that is regularly around her. Has anyone else faced this before? She also has experimented with cutting on her inner thigh. She showed me the scars. That also worries me and we talked about that. I am so concerned about that and her dad would totally freak out. My teen brother was in a mental hospital for teens a couple of years ago with some cutters so I know about it. I tried to tell her that was no way to handle things. I feel so stressed knowing these things. I care about her and I hope she can find her way!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:51pm

You're a nice person and I think it's wonderful that you care so much about your SO's dd.

Well, the cutting IS a dangerous thing and that is something I personally would feel needed some medical attention, from a psychologist with experience working with teens and these types of self mutilating issues. So, as far as that goes, I would tell the dad....however, if he's of the explosive type of personality and will only try to manipulate her behavior by shaming or embarrassing her, perhaps talking with the girl and convincing her to see someone first would be better. Shaming and humiliation are very common reactions to something that simply seems like such a stupid thing to a parent, but to the teen, it's something they do and it's not something so outside the realm of possibility. It's important that whichever parents discusses this with her, he/she be patient, understanding (even when they aren't) and remain calm. Perhaps there is a school psychologist she can talk with while both you and dad are present?

Some questions: Has she ever exerienced depression? Is she taking any meds of any kind? Does she have any healthy outlets such as art, dance, sports, etc? If not, can you brainstorm to help her find some things she is interested in and get more involved in those types of activities?

Regarding her sexual orientation? I'd leave that one alone for now, but definitely do have a discussion with her about being clean and safe. Pregnancy when being sexual with a boy is the obvious, but safe sex with any gender is about keeping her body clean, respecting her body and mind, & personal hygiene are KEY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:24pm

I agree with hearts, cutting is dangerous and by your statement above, it should be mentioned to her parents. Leave the sexual orientation thing alone. She needs therapy anyway, maybe she could address her gender confusion issues with the therapist as well. I have to tell you what it feels like from your SO's end. My dd14 was cutting last year -apparently her best friend's mother walked in on her cutting, and at dd's request, *did not tell me*. Once I found out, I felt incredibly betrayed. I have never trusted that woman again. If I were you, I'd be very careful if the relationship with her dad means anything to you...

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 3:31pm
Thank you so much for your words, both of you. I have been thinking about the cutting. She has expressed being depressed as well. Her dad does not handle things like this well and I do feel he would degrade her for it and that is why she did not want me to tell him. I did not even read that on chat she just told me that part on her own. The only reason I have not told him is that she and I have come so far. It has taken a year to get to this point. At first she hated me and fought me every step. She admitted the other night that she was indeed trying to get rid of me but I would not leave. We have been through counseling and I have tried to get her back in. Dad does not support counseling. He thinks is a joke basically. She has taken on her dad's idea that it is dumb. I try to explain to her that it is okay to go and lots of people do and it is someone to talk to that is completely neutral. She says she does not know why she cut before and was just curious but I know she is depressed. She has no friends that she does things with and no activities. I have depression so I can spot the signs. I have brought that up to her dad and he says oh she is over it. He is living in lala land. I am very stressed out by all of this. We just moved to a new home for more space as I work at home. It has been hard to move, work, and handle all of this with nobody to talk to about it. I thank you so much for your words. I am going to try to find a way to discuss this with dad. DD goes to mom's to fly to California to see Gpa on Friday. I do not know whether to wait or do it now. I think I may wait as I do not want her to leave for there all upset or angry. I want her to have a good time. She does not like mom's BF so I do not know how that will go. Mom's BF beat her a few months ago and that make her hate him more. Mom took him back and now mom has gotten liposuction, boobs, etc from him I guess trying to make up for things. In other words mom is totally self involved right now to notice her daughter's needs. Thanks again!