Second suspension for fighting!
Find a Conversation
Second suspension for fighting!
| Sun, 10-22-2006 - 7:43am |
I'm so frustrated. This happened about a month ago, and I handled it really proactively and was patting myself on the back, and now it's happened again (and this time he got a longer suspension - 3 days). He got in another scuffle - this time right in the school hallway. I guess this kid, D, (a former friend) came up to him and said that he wanted to fight him, after school somewhere. So my kid, A, right then and there decides to shove him to the ground and punch him about 4 times. D chose not to punch back (and frankly, I think he could have cleaned A's clock if he wanted to!). Anyway, what the heck do I do to get this to stop? This is new behaviour for him, but it's the third time in two months. It is because he's been bullied and ostracized most of the way through school, and has now decided in his own mind that he's "not going to take it anymore". He even tried telling me that he did it for MY sake (because I've never liked D and won't allow him around my house). Obviously his thinking is just "off", but I can't get him to see that. Is the solution to help him find some other, socially appropriate, way to stand up for himself? If so, how - and on a side note, he's just joined the wrestling team. I was THRILLED since he's never done anything extra-curricular and I hoped this would give him something to do and help him make some friends. But, uh...is wrestling a good sport for him, if he's already starting to show agression through fighting?

Pages
Is wrestling a good choice for A?
I certainly understand your frustration.
<<>>
That's exactly what happened to my DS-17 several years ago. He didn't hit first, but once he was hit or shoved, he finished it. After only the second time he was thrown into alternative school for 6 weeks.
I don't know what to tell you specific to your son, but have hope. Eventually no one wanted to bully or harass my son, or fight him. It just stopped. Of course, it helps that he shot up to over 6 foot by the time he was 13 (now he's almost 6'4") He's very skinny but still very strong.
Maybe there is a time that boys being bullied have to stand up for themselves, and let the others see they won't be their punching bag anymore. I never encouraged my son to fight, but my father's ranchhands did. DS used to get off the bus at my father's cattle company and he often had black eyes or red marks on him from being knocked around. They taught him to fight and no matter what, I couldn't make him stop. Like I said, it just stopped by itself after he'd hit a few of the troublemakers.
Last year at his small school, a MUCH harassed and bullied boy (the only openly gay boy in high school) just jumped up one day and beat up the biggest bully in school. Not just beating him up, he stomped him and it took several people to get him off the bully. Since then, no one has harassed him at all.
I'm probably not making you feel any better, sorry.
I would let him participate in wrestling. If nothing else, maybe he can get some of that aggression out in a sanctioned way.
Good luck,
zz
You know, you bring up an interesting point cat.
<>
This is the one thing that really stood out for me in your post. Your DS is being bullied. What is your schools' position on bullying? Is he being given the opportunity to express this, as well as his frustration, to the school administration before he is suspended? Are the bullies themselves given any sort of punishment for instigating this?
Most schools have an anti-bullying policy that states something like 'every child is given the right to learn in an environment that is safe ... blah, blah, blah'. Now I know that bullies have walked the earth since time eternal, BUT ... schools are supposed to be taking active measures to prevent it anymore.
Have you approached the school administration and asked WHY your DS is still being bullied? And what measure have they taken to stop it?
Perhaps your DS is not being completely forthright on his innocence -- maybe he did in fact, provoke the bully in some way -- but were I in your shoes, I would make every effort to find out WHY your DS is being bullied, HOW he is contributing to it (if he is) and what the school plans to do about stopping it. Your son deserves the right to walk the hallways in school without worrying if he's going to get jumped or beat on -- same for any student.
If I came across as a little harsh in this post, I apologize! This sort of thing just gets me all hot and bothered.
Julie
I think wrestling will be a good way to channel that aggression into something positive
His reaction to the ex friend? Well, it seems so impulsive!
Has he had problems with impulse control in the past even if it was not of the physical aggression type?
I think that finding the right way to handle this situation is the single hardest task that boys face in MS/HS years. Obviously, "just taking it" won't work, but fighting isn't the answer either. Finding that middle ground is so tough! ((HUGS)) for you and your DS!
I think wrestling may be a good thing, for three reasons. One - he'll gain more confidence in himself in a positive way, less needing to prove himself. Two - he'll have a peer group - there's safety in numbers. A bully might pick on one guy, but picking on the whole wrestling team is too risky. Three - discipline. What a previous poster said about keeping things in control; and the impact of the coach.
I agree with Julie that the bullying thing is something schools need to attend to - my DS's elementary school is starting a new initiative - not accepting that "bullying just happens" but trying to raise everyone's awareness. I believe that bullies need some kind of direct intervention - not just a severe punishment, but something that clearly sends the message that this isn't the right route in life, and some way to teach alternative ways to be strong men.
Anyway, with your DS, I think you have to consistently give the message that fighting is not the right way out of these situations. Brainstorm with him about other solutions, find out who in the school can be a resource. "Not taking it" can take many forms - what does he see as alternatives? And be frank with him about consequences - not just yours but the schools as well. Will it be a victory for him, or for the bullies, if he's expelled for multiple infractions of fighting?
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope he heals soon.
zz
Pages