Second suspension for fighting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Second suspension for fighting!
12
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 7:43am
I'm so frustrated. This happened about a month ago, and I handled it really proactively and was patting myself on the back, and now it's happened again (and this time he got a longer suspension - 3 days). He got in another scuffle - this time right in the school hallway. I guess this kid, D, (a former friend) came up to him and said that he wanted to fight him, after school somewhere. So my kid, A, right then and there decides to shove him to the ground and punch him about 4 times. D chose not to punch back (and frankly, I think he could have cleaned A's clock if he wanted to!). Anyway, what the heck do I do to get this to stop? This is new behaviour for him, but it's the third time in two months. It is because he's been bullied and ostracized most of the way through school, and has now decided in his own mind that he's "not going to take it anymore". He even tried telling me that he did it for MY sake (because I've never liked D and won't allow him around my house). Obviously his thinking is just "off", but I can't get him to see that. Is the solution to help him find some other, socially appropriate, way to stand up for himself? If so, how - and on a side note, he's just joined the wrestling team. I was THRILLED since he's never done anything extra-curricular and I hoped this would give him something to do and help him make some friends. But, uh...is wrestling a good sport for him, if he's already starting to show agression through fighting?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:20am

Is wrestling a good choice for A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:17am

I certainly understand your frustration.

<<>>

That's exactly what happened to my DS-17 several years ago. He didn't hit first, but once he was hit or shoved, he finished it. After only the second time he was thrown into alternative school for 6 weeks.

I don't know what to tell you specific to your son, but have hope. Eventually no one wanted to bully or harass my son, or fight him. It just stopped. Of course, it helps that he shot up to over 6 foot by the time he was 13 (now he's almost 6'4") He's very skinny but still very strong.

Maybe there is a time that boys being bullied have to stand up for themselves, and let the others see they won't be their punching bag anymore. I never encouraged my son to fight, but my father's ranchhands did. DS used to get off the bus at my father's cattle company and he often had black eyes or red marks on him from being knocked around. They taught him to fight and no matter what, I couldn't make him stop. Like I said, it just stopped by itself after he'd hit a few of the troublemakers.

Last year at his small school, a MUCH harassed and bullied boy (the only openly gay boy in high school) just jumped up one day and beat up the biggest bully in school. Not just beating him up, he stomped him and it took several people to get him off the bully. Since then, no one has harassed him at all.

I'm probably not making you feel any better, sorry.

I would let him participate in wrestling. If nothing else, maybe he can get some of that aggression out in a sanctioned way.

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 1:09pm

You know, you bring up an interesting point cat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 5:38pm

<>

This is the one thing that really stood out for me in your post. Your DS is being bullied. What is your schools' position on bullying? Is he being given the opportunity to express this, as well as his frustration, to the school administration before he is suspended? Are the bullies themselves given any sort of punishment for instigating this?

Most schools have an anti-bullying policy that states something like 'every child is given the right to learn in an environment that is safe ... blah, blah, blah'. Now I know that bullies have walked the earth since time eternal, BUT ... schools are supposed to be taking active measures to prevent it anymore.

Have you approached the school administration and asked WHY your DS is still being bullied? And what measure have they taken to stop it?

Perhaps your DS is not being completely forthright on his innocence -- maybe he did in fact, provoke the bully in some way -- but were I in your shoes, I would make every effort to find out WHY your DS is being bullied, HOW he is contributing to it (if he is) and what the school plans to do about stopping it. Your son deserves the right to walk the hallways in school without worrying if he's going to get jumped or beat on -- same for any student.

If I came across as a little harsh in this post, I apologize! This sort of thing just gets me all hot and bothered.

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:26pm

I think wrestling will be a good way to channel that aggression into something positive

His reaction to the ex friend? Well, it seems so impulsive!

Has he had problems with impulse control in the past even if it was not of the physical aggression type?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:24pm

I think that finding the right way to handle this situation is the single hardest task that boys face in MS/HS years. Obviously, "just taking it" won't work, but fighting isn't the answer either. Finding that middle ground is so tough! ((HUGS)) for you and your DS!

I think wrestling may be a good thing, for three reasons. One - he'll gain more confidence in himself in a positive way, less needing to prove himself. Two - he'll have a peer group - there's safety in numbers. A bully might pick on one guy, but picking on the whole wrestling team is too risky. Three - discipline. What a previous poster said about keeping things in control; and the impact of the coach.

I agree with Julie that the bullying thing is something schools need to attend to - my DS's elementary school is starting a new initiative - not accepting that "bullying just happens" but trying to raise everyone's awareness. I believe that bullies need some kind of direct intervention - not just a severe punishment, but something that clearly sends the message that this isn't the right route in life, and some way to teach alternative ways to be strong men.

Anyway, with your DS, I think you have to consistently give the message that fighting is not the right way out of these situations. Brainstorm with him about other solutions, find out who in the school can be a resource. "Not taking it" can take many forms - what does he see as alternatives? And be frank with him about consequences - not just yours but the schools as well. Will it be a victory for him, or for the bullies, if he's expelled for multiple infractions of fighting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:45pm
No, you're right. The bullying is USUALLY verbal. And he very much brings it on himself with his big, fresh mouth (not to put too fine a point on it, LOL). He is incredibly provoking - he has ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so that is unfortunately a BIG part of his character. I think the school tries to deal with it as well as possible, but there is a limited amount they can really do (I'm open to any ideas! I work at this school, and it certainly is an ongoing problem for some kids - we can stop what happens in front of us, but it is harder to deal with the stuff that doesn't). We DO live in a town that is kind of leading-edge for a brand new anti-bullying municipal by-law: and I already used that once (this summer, he was being physically bullied by another kid - and I spoke to the kid, appealed to his own better nature, and mentioned the bylaw if necessary - and HE hasn't been any further problem , and neither have his friends!). I guess key would be getting my kid to keep his mouth shut, but I haven't quite figured out how to do that, either!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:46pm
yep, yep, yep! ADHD with extreme impulsivity being the main characteristic, and also O.D.D.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:49pm
ARGH!! And now for round two...so, he goes to the skate park with a couple of friends today. Guess who's there? Yep - the bigger buddies of the first kid he got in a fight with, over a month ago! SO...the jumped him. He's got a split lip and a black eye. And at this point, all I can think is "maybe he'll learn that there are further reaching consequences!", but obviously it just gives me a whole 'nother something to deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:17am

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope he heals soon.

zz

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