Seeking opinions on bf/gf alone time
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| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:31am |
....but I have a feeling I know what most of you will say. Here goes:
We just had our basement finished. We have an 80 year old house and, prior to this, the basement was a spidery, scary place. It was so bad,in fact, that once when a customer was here and the tornado sirens went off ...I decided to take my chance with the fury of nature rather than expose my customer to the squalor of my basement. We're both still alive, so it worked out.
We did this to increase the resale value of our home a few years down the road and to give dd - and us - another place to hang. We have one tv (from - I kid you not - the 70s) in the living room and the layout of the first floor is such that you can pretty much see any room by taking a few steps. We bought a pit couch thingy yesterday and dh is excited to order one of these fancy big screen tvs for downstairs.
Dh and I are disagreeing as to whether or not dd should be allowed to watch a movie in the basement alone with bf. I say NO! They can go down to play air hockey (you can hear the game going and when it's over - they can come right back upstairs) but they can watch movies in the living room - just like they've always done. I don't mind if she's down there with a group - but I'd still be going down to refill chip bowls, do a little laundry, etc - but I feel very uncomforable with it just being the two of them.
Dh maintains that we should trust her and this will help her in knowing where to draw the line. He says he plans to make regular trips downstairs - but that's just not realistic.
I was out to dinner with a group of friends last night and brought this up - they unanimously shouted him down. I've never had to deal with this before because there's been nowhere to hide in our house. I've posted about the bf before and my comfort level with him has always been fairly high because the only place they've gone - other than my fishbowl living room - was church and one dance.
Opinions?
jt

Jt, tell your DH this...
Is it fair to both your DD & her boyfriend to put them in a situation that they are too young to handle? Hormones are hormones. Even good kids get themselves into situations that are too much for them.
No, tell your DH that you don't think it is a good idea. It has nothing to do with not trusting the kids. Far from it. You want the best for both of them.
Good Luck
Okay you trust DD and this b/f but what about the next guy. The one with you don't like and definitely don't trust. He could exist. He does exist for many of us. Would you want him down there alone with your DD? If not, then don't start it now b/c once it's started it will be extremely hard to stop.
Are there other kids in the house? Will you trust them and their future friends (that you haven't met yet)?
I think you may be setting a precedent that you want to think through real carefully before doing.
Your varied and thoughtful responses have given me a lot to think about.
For those who asked, she is 14. She will be 15 in June.
The relationshi is very innocent at this point - he has been to our home about 6 times since mid-December, they have been to one dance (with two on the horizon) and they see each other about 3 Sunday nights each week when dd goes with her friend to her Life Teen Masses 20 miles away. When the friend is confirmed - right after Easter - dd will no longer attend Mass with her and, as a result, will not see said bf on those nights. He calls her almost every night and they talk anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour ... mostly 5-15 minutes on school nights. You ALL raised good points but, Tobylady, yours (about future evil bfs and setting precedents) really stuck with me.
Feel free to continue to weigh in on this ... I plan to talk again to dh and also to dd.
You are the best!
jt
I guess I could go either way with this, so I would just recommend going with your gut feeling. I have always told my kids that I will trust them until they give me a reason not to (and right now, my dd doesn't have much of my trust!). With all due respect to tobylady, and unlike our court system in the U.S., I do not believe a parent is bound by precedent. Instead, I have made it clear to my dd that each relationship that she has with her friends will be taken on a case by case basis. For example, just because I will let her go to the mall with one friend, does not mean she will be allowed to go to the mall with another friend. Each friendship that she has brings with it different dynamics.
So if your dd currently has an "innocent" relationship with her bf, I may lean toward letting them watch television in the basement. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind if they give you a reason to, or that you have to let the next bf, should there be one, do the same thing, IMHO.
Amelia
You might want to read Teen DD advice post. I addresses my concerns with setting precedents pretty nicely.
I understand that parents aren't bound by precedents but it is most certainly easier to add privileges than it is to take them away (at least with my DD). It is also easier to make the rules pretty clear so that the teen doesn't have to interpret them b/c intrepretation can result in them wanting to hear what fits at the moment. DD doesn't understand that it's not always her I don't trust, although at times it has been. So allowing one thing with one friend and another thing with someone else is often difficult for a 14 y/o to get. For instance, I do not allow DD upstairs in the game room with b/f unless DH or I are in the study upstairs. A while back an entire group (b/f not included) was upstairs watching a movie so DH and I went to bed. I was awake reading. I heard the door open at 12:30 and people leave so I went to sleep. Again at around 2:00 am I heard the door open. I got up to see another boy leaving - he had stayed and he and DD had been upstairs 'talking' until 2:00. Turns out this is the guy she was cheating with b/f on. Now they may have truly been talking - I don't know. When I reminded her of no guys upstairs and that I expect all guests to leave when the movie is over, her response was 'oh, I thought thas was just H (b/f)'. My response was 'you are not to be alone upstairs with any non-relative with a penis'. This cleared up any confusion she may have had about the rule.
Now the reason for this rule is simply that I do not condone teens having sex and since I know from personal experience how easy it is to get away with parents at home, I do not want to give her that opportunity. This is also my way of subtly reminding her that I do not condone this.
I will also say that now that she is getting older (almost 18) I am becoming more lenient about her being upstairs with guys including the b/f Things can and do move awfully fast with some teens and I just wouldn't put a 14/15 y/o in that position.
Edited 3/15/2006 12:03 pm ET by tobylady