Self confidance matters?

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Registered: 07-22-2003
Self confidance matters?
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Sat, 10-06-2007 - 10:21pm

This thread is an offshoot of something said on another thread. I mentioned that Kelsie had danced with a guy that she says will never date a girl like her, because he is pretty popular and 'hott' I just don't get it. She is a really beautiful girl and most everyone likes her, she is popular with kids at school and anywhere she goes she gets along with others, teens, little kids, adults, just about everyone and she isn't one of those snotty mean popular gals. She is truely a nice person, very sweet. I don't get why she thinks the guys that are really 'hott' would never date her.


I have talked about this guy she met this summer, S, who she has it really bad for. When we were on our way home from that visit she told me that he would never want to really date her because he is so hott and could probably have any girl he wants, that he will be starting college and there will be all those willing girls around him way more beautiful than she is.


Where does she get this crap? Why does she think he asked her out to the movies one night and took her to Cedar Point for the whole next day? When they first met I could see the interest even though she couldn't.

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Registered: 08-14-2006
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 11:19am

I'm not sure I have any advice for you, but I can sure understand what you are saying. My DD is the same way, beautiful inside and out, and still not that confident with guys. If she had been your daughter this summer with that young man, her comment would have been, "he's just being nice to me". and when I tell her she is beautiful, she just tells me I say that because I am her Mother.

I think with her part of it is fear of being hurt. If you don't put yourself out there, you won't get hurt. She had her heart broken by one young man, three times. Long story, and now I think she is gun shy.

And yes I agree with you that I think guys do think girls like them won't be interested in them. I think part of their charm is that they don't realize how great they are, they are not conceited. My DD even said she thought maybe that was part of her problem getting dates. Because she doesn't have the self confidence, I think she misses some of the hints the guys send out that they might be interested. Cause in her mind they would never go out with her, so then the guy thinks she isn't interested. Vicious circle! She was dating one very nice young man in the spring, but he was definitely more serious than her, so she told him they should keep it at a friendship. At the time she told me she doesn't like this dating game, that someone ALWAYS gets hurt! Don't know what to tell you other than I keep telling her "nothing ventured, nothing gained", if you don't let a young man know you are interested they won't know. Face it, guys are not that great at reading signals and I think DD throws out really subtle hints that she is interested and the guys just don't pick it up. I really think the lack of self confidence is a self preservation thing, you won't be rejected if you don't try. Sorry this is kind of rambling and not concise, but I just keep trying to reinforce to DD how wonderful she really is, and how many friends she actually has, and maybe it will sink in.

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Avatar for bookwormmom
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Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 11:51am

<<>>


Kelsie didn't quite think that, but she did think Mary and I somehow engineered the whale thing. We had gone there for a scrapbooking crop and S had told Mary before hand that Kelsie wouldn't want to hang with us old ladies at the crop all day, she would probably rather spend the time with him. At that point he was only joking, but when he met her, he was certainly interested.


I keep telling her nothing ventured nothing gained too, but she is also afraid of being hurt. She has been hurt before and doesn't want to be hurt again.


There is also the fact that in high school they are still into that whole if you ask someone to go out they are a steady thing. She doesn't necessarily want to get into that type of thing anymore. I think she finally has seen the sense in asking someone to go out on a date and then later make it a steady thing if you want. I have been trying to tell her that for ages, but as she always tells me "that isn't the way it's done now adays"


I went through the whole "you only say that because your my mom" thing when I was a teen, now I look back at me high school pictures and realize my mom wasn't just saying it. I really was a lot prettier than I ever thought I was. Kelsie knows she is no "dog" she realizes that she is pretty, but not in a conceited way, but some how she just doesn't think she is good enough or something for certain guys. Hopefully she will learn and not think that way for ever.


I just keep plugging along with her, nothing else I can really do is there?

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Registered: 02-14-2007
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 2:43pm

Your post really struck a chord with me. My DD, who will be 16 next month, has only had one real boyfriend. He dumped her, quite unexpectedly, about 6 months ago and she had a really hard time getting over him. Now she is finally getting interested in other boys. She is

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Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 3:09pm

My concerns over my DD's lack of self-confidence doesn't really have much to do with her getting the 'hot' or 'popular' guy, or any guy at all, for that matter -- she's has never even

 

 

 

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 4:21pm

Im not sure where lack of self confidence ends and sensitivity begins

I hate to think of myself as lacking confidence yet I suppose I must. OTOH I truly think I am more sensitive than the next guy or gal. I am very perceptive and read between the lines all too well and Im not sure that is always a blessing. I hate to make the first move in friendship. So, do I lack self confidence or do I get hurt 'too' easily? Do I notice when someone's attention strays in a conversation for example.

The area we lived in which I didnt like was very much about the 'popular' people-high school forever IMO. I could be having a good conversation with someone and then one of 'those' people would walk in the room and I knew I had lost the person I was talking to. Well, sometimes they just walked off ;) but even if they went through the motions of continuing the conversation, I was very aware and very hurt that they were 'going through the motions'.

I think that town did put a dent in my self esteem but I do think I rallied and got it back when we moved here. Yet I dont feel I was treated any differently than the 90% of the town that wasnt in that 'in' group. So why didnt it bother them the way it bothered me? Why didnt it phase DH who seemed to thrive on it?

I think some people really do get hurt more easily

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Sun, 10-07-2007 - 5:39pm

A few things I want to speak to here. First of all, I don't want y'all to think it is important that my dd get the hottest guys or the most popular. That isn't the point, the point is that this Joey is a nice kid and she thinks he is pretty cute, she thinks he is pretty popular with the girls. Why does she think she isn't good enough? Just because he is someone the other girls think is cute too? What does that have to do with who she is?


The boys that she has dated in the past were nice kids, at least at the time they were, but what makes them okay and her good enough for them, but not for some of these other guys? What is that about?

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Sun, 10-07-2007 - 9:19pm

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I know that wasn't your point -- and I hope I didn't give the impression that I thought it was!