Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!

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Registered: 05-12-2003
Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!
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Sun, 03-26-2006 - 7:38pm
Now I am quite frustrated. It seems that DD has broken things off with the BF that we just did not approve of due to his lack of respect and other issues, then there was snowboard boy who seemed okay to us but didn't seem to trip DD's trigger, now there is a third guy in the picture. OK get ready.... he got kicked out of high school but should be a sophomore (DD is a Junior), just got out of drug rehab, and has spent time in juvenile detention. I am heartsick. I don't know where I have failed. Since she was a toddler she has been sort of a risk taker... always tended to gravitate toward the naughty kids at playgroup. Sometimes I blame myself for not handling things better when she was little and sometimes I have to wonder if that would have even mattered. I asked her what the heck she was thinking, going out with this guy. She has been pretty tight-lipped, saying next to nothing. DH has really been great lately (after many years of being rather detached), and has talked to her a few times about her choices and how they are limiting her. My parents live down the street from us and I am considering having her pack a suitcase for 4 days and going down there. The reason... she hears virtually nothing I say. She gets along with her grandparents and seems to listen to grandpa especially. He is a great listener and great with advice. I hesitate because I don't want to burden them; I talked to my mom about it and she said it would be okay. The rules would be: come straight to their house after soccer practice, do homework and help pick up around the house. I am ready to commit myself to a depression ward in a hospital. I am curious to know what you all think. She will probably have a fit because she won't be able to do anything after soccer practice.
Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:29pm
If she's old enough to date, she's old enough to decide whom to date. What's the problem, as long as she follows your rules wrt curfews and supervision? If you're going nuts, there must be more than just BF trouble going on...
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:32am
But a guy that was in juvenile detention and drug rehab and got kicked out of school???
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 5:04am

I've never been in favor of "banning" relationships .... makes it all the more attractive to them.... but I think it's perfectly ok to set limits on how/when they see each other. Your dd is old enough to be making certain decisions on her own, but still young enough to require guidance. I would tell her that it is fine for her to see him - in your home - until you get to know him. If he is a person of character, he will respect your rules - if not, he'll bolt and she'll know what she was dealing with.

Please don't be offended by this, but you will do your dd a great service to help her to stand on her own (without a bf) for awhile. You can't just hope that the next guy will be ok ... she has to learn to be comfortable enough on her own so that she can be more selective when the choosing a bf.

jt

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:01am

Either you let your daughter date, and choose who to date, or you tell her she's done dating... but there is no way you are going to be choosing her b/fs for her.


If your DD is basically a responsible gal who will stand up for right vs. wrong, and you support her in her RIGHT choices, she may be just fine dating a "bad boy."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:19am
He sounds like a loser, no doubt about it, but your saying so won't make her figure that out any faster. Just keep your cool, show an interest in what the two of them are doing together, ask her if they're having fun, let her know you trust her judgment. Chances are, after her "walk on the wild side", she'll figure out she's really not enjoying going out with him all that much. Deep down, she probably knows kids who have their act together more than that are more fun to be with, but danger has its attractions, too.
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 7:42am
Pay, I agree with your statement about helping her stand on her own for awhile. That is what I have been trying to get her with her. We have told her that she shouldn't just let a guy choose HER, be single for awhile until YOU choose someone you like. She listens (I think) and seems to be getting a little more self confidence, but then she goes back to calling all three guys and keeping them all interested in her. They all know about one another. She tells them she just can't decide who she wants to be with. I've told her that she should just choose being single then. But on and on it goes..... I'm not so upset anymore. I'm not going to say much for awhile about BF's; at least I hope I don't have to, but I wouldn't be surprised if she started sneaking around with them after soccer practice even though I told her I need her to help at home. I'm going to concentrate on getting the cooperation at home and helping and getting school work done. I'm sure that will cause alot of grumbling.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 8:27am
Sounds like a plan! If it's any consolation, my own dd has had a "boyfriend fixation" forever. I, too, am working on getting her to think about being unattached for awhile. She's younger than your dd, so I have a bit more control at this point. So far, she seems to stay away from the "bad boy" types, but still. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 8:57am
For me, there would be a much bigger problem with sneaking, skipping homework and not doing chores than whom she picked for a BF. And why does she have to decide which BF to "be with"? Is she looking to get married? I don't see what's wrong with going out with more than one guy, at any age. Often helps them behave themselves when they know they have to wait their turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:11am

Please don't take offense at this, but it sounds to me like your DD defines her self-worth by whether or not she has a boyfriend. She is stringing three different boys along to make sure she has not only 'a boyfriend and a spare' but she's keeping the door open for number three as well, in case it all blows up with the first two.

If any of these boys have a brain in their heads, they'll tire of this game soon enough, she'll be without any boyfriend at all and it will no longer be a concern of yours. Unless of course, you'd be worried then too, because she wouldn't have a boyfriend?

Were I in your shoes and this my DD, I might consider counseling for her to help define and overcome whatever insecurities she is harboring about being boyfriend-less, and to help discover her worth as a female outside a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I think I'd also find a great volunteer activity for her where contact with boys is limited -- like maybe an assistant troop leader for a Girl Scout troop, serving meals to seniors, etc. so she can feel good about who she is all on her own.

It doesn't sound like she places much value on her relationships with other people, either. If she did, why else would she be stringing three different boys along? Does she have any girlfriends that she does thing with? Or does she limit her social activities to things with these boys?

Just my two cents,

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:15am
I don't get what you mean by "stringing 3 boys along". Can't a girl have more than one boy as a friend? Why does she need to choose?

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