Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!
32
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 7:38pm
Now I am quite frustrated. It seems that DD has broken things off with the BF that we just did not approve of due to his lack of respect and other issues, then there was snowboard boy who seemed okay to us but didn't seem to trip DD's trigger, now there is a third guy in the picture. OK get ready.... he got kicked out of high school but should be a sophomore (DD is a Junior), just got out of drug rehab, and has spent time in juvenile detention. I am heartsick. I don't know where I have failed. Since she was a toddler she has been sort of a risk taker... always tended to gravitate toward the naughty kids at playgroup. Sometimes I blame myself for not handling things better when she was little and sometimes I have to wonder if that would have even mattered. I asked her what the heck she was thinking, going out with this guy. She has been pretty tight-lipped, saying next to nothing. DH has really been great lately (after many years of being rather detached), and has talked to her a few times about her choices and how they are limiting her. My parents live down the street from us and I am considering having her pack a suitcase for 4 days and going down there. The reason... she hears virtually nothing I say. She gets along with her grandparents and seems to listen to grandpa especially. He is a great listener and great with advice. I hesitate because I don't want to burden them; I talked to my mom about it and she said it would be okay. The rules would be: come straight to their house after soccer practice, do homework and help pick up around the house. I am ready to commit myself to a depression ward in a hospital. I am curious to know what you all think. She will probably have a fit because she won't be able to do anything after soccer practice.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:39am

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Because of this:

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Edited 3/27/2006 11:42 am ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:49am

Deb, this is the very thing I was trying to get across to you via email. Please reread those emails I sent you, it still applies.


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Right here is what I was suspecting all along and I asked you this directly, which you denied. Nobody can armchair psych your daughter from here. Her low self-esteem has a root and you protesting BF #1, 2, or 3 is NOT THE POINT, in fact she will dig heels in harder. Get this kid in counseling.


I am not trying to come across harsh in case this sounds that way. You are looking in the wrong direction and spinning your wheels. Good luck, Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:52am
Yes, I know she's calling 3 different boys. Why shouldn't she? IMO, the only mistake she's making is talking to them about "who she wants to be with". At her age, why does she have to "be with" anyone at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:57am

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That is my point exactly. Why don't you go back and re-read my post?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:02am
I just don't see why she shouldn't have a boyfriend, or two, or three, if she wants to. I don't see why she needs to "go steady", as we used to call it. Does having boyfriends mean she's defining herself through having boyfriends? Or maybe she just happens to like boys?
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:08am
betty, I didn't see your emails... oh probably because my email address changed. I will check my old email box.
Regarding counseling, I did make an appointment with a counselor that she saw last year for low self-esteem and not being able to decide for herself. Back then, she was being influenced by a girl who talked her into many things we didn't approve of. Anyway, I made an appointment and can't get her in until the beginning of May because this counselor is especially good with teens and in high demand, plus she will be gone for a couple of weeks. I will insist that Dad go with her. He had really disappointed me as a father in the past, but after threatening a separation, he got some counseling and ADD meds. and is much better
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:18am

We were emailing back and forth last week. I asked you if she had a good relationship with her father and you said yes. I asked if you had a good relationship with your DH and you said yes. I asked who are these people she says make her "feel stupid"? I suggested that this behavior was being learned somewhere, that it doesn't occur in a vacuum. Your daughter appears to be doing 2 things:


1. trying to separate from you, pushing her "maturity" in your face by purposely provoking you.


2. looking to replace the male relationship in her life with a loser, hence "fixing" her relationship with DH, rewriting history. She is trying to prove to herself that it wasn't her this whole time that was unlovable, that she can affect the outcome. She doesn't even know she's doing it. She is attaching her self-worth to the approval of males.


Again, nobody can tell this for sure from snippets in an email, but I smell it on your daughter. Forget the "perfect" counselor whatever that is. Get her to someone quickly, and stop the power struggle between you two.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:26am

I personally don't see that ANY of these boys are the problem. Not that any of us as parents would pick such a boy for our own daughter, but you need to take an honest look at WHY she's picking / attracting this sort.

When you mentioned your own DH, that alone given what you said is a red flag.

Kids learn by example. Are YOU being respected, honestly?

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 12:52pm
DH and I have had difficulty with our marriage. He and I were fine together, but for years I was not happy with the way he treated the kids... always talking to them disrespectfully and ordering them around and then always boasting about himself. After giving him an ultimatum (twice actually), he made some radical changes. He has been much better and talks in a more cooperative manner. He also found out he has ADD and is on meds for that which has helped alot. He makes a very good living and I do pretty well too, but only work part-time. I don't feel that breaking up the family is going to help. I think it will make things worse. I do feel they need their father, especially now that he is an improved version of himself. We probably do need counseling and I will pursue that.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 1:13pm
No don't break up the family, I don't think anyone suggested that. Your daughter is learning this behavior from home. She can straighten out, but it will probably take outside help. The issue is not her choice in boys, the issue is her self-esteem. I hope you get that help soon and get your daughter back on track. Good luck. Betty