Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!
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Send DD to grandparents? 3rd guy! ugh!
| Sun, 03-26-2006 - 7:38pm |
Now I am quite frustrated. It seems that DD has broken things off with the BF that we just did not approve of due to his lack of respect and other issues, then there was snowboard boy who seemed okay to us but didn't seem to trip DD's trigger, now there is a third guy in the picture. OK get ready.... he got kicked out of high school but should be a sophomore (DD is a Junior), just got out of drug rehab, and has spent time in juvenile detention. I am heartsick. I don't know where I have failed. Since she was a toddler she has been sort of a risk taker... always tended to gravitate toward the naughty kids at playgroup. Sometimes I blame myself for not handling things better when she was little and sometimes I have to wonder if that would have even mattered. I asked her what the heck she was thinking, going out with this guy. She has been pretty tight-lipped, saying next to nothing. DH has really been great lately (after many years of being rather detached), and has talked to her a few times about her choices and how they are limiting her. My parents live down the street from us and I am considering having her pack a suitcase for 4 days and going down there. The reason... she hears virtually nothing I say. She gets along with her grandparents and seems to listen to grandpa especially. He is a great listener and great with advice. I hesitate because I don't want to burden them; I talked to my mom about it and she said it would be okay. The rules would be: come straight to their house after soccer practice, do homework and help pick up around the house. I am ready to commit myself to a depression ward in a hospital. I am curious to know what you all think. She will probably have a fit because she won't be able to do anything after soccer practice.

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I agree with those who advised you to not dislike the latest boy based on his past and reputation. Since he just got out of drug rehab hopefully he is clean and sober right now and needs to be around clean and sober people. If he is trying to turn his life around then he will need the encouragement and support of as many people as possible. And if he is just going through the motions because it is court-ordered that will be apparent soon enough.
If you allow your dd to see this boy within the context of the family, such as at your home when a parent is present, it will probably have a better outcome. Since you would not be "banning" him it takes away some of the sneak-around appeal. It gives you an opportunity to get to know him and judge him on what you know, not on what you have heard. When the parents do not actively disapprove of a boy then some of his "bad-boy" appeal disappears. If she likes him because he is the antithesis of your idea of a decent bf then you can take some of the wind out of her sails. If she does start sneaking around or lying or etc then she gets consequences for her actions. If bf convinced her to sneak or lie the consequence is the same because SHE is the one that needs to make the choice of right or wrong, she needs to learn how far she can push the envelope with her parents before she gets in trouble.
I agree that counseling might be helpful for her with her self-esteem issues, including why she chooses certain kinds of boys and why she feels that she needs to have a bf. But she has to buy into it and be willing to be honest with the counselor and listen to the advice and be willing to put it to work, or else it is an exercise in futility. I disagree with the advice to get her to any counselor asap because trust is crucial in counseling and it could take until May to develop a working relationship with a new counselor or even not work out at all, but this is JMHO. Whether or not she has her issues because of her dad I couldn't say; but any issues with dad are not going to be worked out overnight and in the meantime she is likely still going to want a bf because that is how many teen girls are! IMO a better approach to the issue of stringing along 3 guys is talk to her about it as a human issue: how would she feel if she was one of 3 girls that a particular guy just couldn't choose between? It would be a good idea to acknowlege that it must feel pretty good to have 3 guys liking her but its not very nice to the two that won't make the cut. If she won't listen to you then maybe Grandpa can have this convo with her? And eventually the guys may tire of this little game and withdrawl from the competition. There would be a good lesson there for her if it gets to that point.
Some of this is stuff that she will grow out of as she gets older and more emotionally mature. Some of it is stuff that she will probably need to learn the hard way and on her own, not from advice from parents. I think that your best bet is being as consistent as possible with workable rules and expectations and also an open mind. And counseling for the parents to get help with dealing with her could be very beneficial too.
I have been through some of this stuff and I know how hard and stressful it can be. Best of luck.
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Why is it an issue to have 3 boyfriends? Is it important for her to choose one? Why isn't it nice to them to be going out with them?
One reason is because according to many teens today, a girl that dates more than one boy is considered a slut. She doesn't have to be having sex with any of them, but if they are more than friends then she can expect her reputation to be shredded. When boys do it they are considered "players" and some girls may decide not to get involved with them but their reputations don't suffer like a girl's reputation does. This attitude is not based on reason or logic but seems to be the prevaling trend. This is why we see so many teens involved in "serial monogamy" where they have a bf/gf for a short time, break up, and quickly get in a "relationship" with somebody else. From what the OP has said it seems like her dd likes all of these guys as more than "just friends".
As I recall there was a thread about this topic in the past couple of years, and this attitude is not just with the teens at my kids' HS or even my city but was pretty widespread across the US.
When I was in HS it was acceptable to date more than one guy at a time (imagine actually getting to know someone fairly well before becoming an official couple!) but that particular "old school" behavior doesn't seem to have caught on again.
heres one of the recent discussions you were remembering
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psteens&msg=6900.4
I hear the same thing from my boys
They still do outings as a group of 'friends'(mixed sexes)That group may have a girl who 'went out' with several of the boys but thats okay as long as she did it one at a time
Yep, I miss the ole days and ways
The problem might be more with others than with the girl who is dating several guys at one time, but you also have to live by the social rules of the community that you're living in or risk the consequences.
Edited 3/27/2006 6:51 pm ET by sabinamarianne
I happen to agree that it’s absurd...but there it is.
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