Sex and teens

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Sex and teens
2
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:25pm
I would like to take a moment and thank each of you for your support. My daughter’s cycle did start, thank god!

She and I have been spending more quality and quantity time together.

Since her encounter, I have noticed a change. She has been sleeping with me more and she seems a little withdrawn. The first thing that came to my mine, did she tell me the whole story about what had happen. Did she consent to having sex or did this guy force his way onto her. She stated she wanted too, but I’m a mother and I’m worried. I want my child to be happy.

My question is, because she is so young, do teens become withdrawn and if so what can I do?

I would like to take her to a counselor, but that didn’t go over well. I want her to feel comfortable to discuss this matter and able to communicate her thoughts and accept feed back without any pressured. I want too provide her with the best resources I can furnish.

Has anyone heard of a teen support group in this area within there community?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: 4042
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 7:58pm
I'm so glad for your dd's sake - and your sake - that her cycle started.

A few thoughts regarding possible whys of being withdrawn, sticking closer to you ... if you haven't already, talk to her about what else sex IS - beyond the stuff they learn in school, beyond the actual experience she has had. For one thing, sex is made to create an incredible bond between two people. When it's done outside the boundaries of a committed and loving and mature relationship, the fallout often comes in the forms of feeling rejected; jealousy when others notice the person you've been with ... a feeling of a kind of 'loss' but at 13 she won't likely be able to put words to those feelings. Sticking nearby mom - to me, anyway - would mean she wants that feeling that comes as a child when you are scared or sad or lonely or feeling lost for whatever reason and you go to mom for that feeling of security and being 'anchored', not to mention that she likely needs the reassurance that you still love her just as you always have and that that hasn't changed. If her friends know what happened, they may not have reacted that well or she may be concerned that they will find out and not know how they will react. This age is fraught with difficulties with peers as it is ...

I would actually take heart that she is sticking closer to you. For one thing, I think that would indicate that she doesn't - and will never - take sex lightly. For another, she feels her refuge in her constantly changing world is you and she trusts in your love for her. I would talk to her about what sex is designed FOR ... and reassure her that how she is likely feeling right now is normal; if she's not willing or able to put words to hwo she's feeling, just tell her things like, 'IF you are feeling a bit lost, or feeling a bit worried or scared or whatever, it's normal ... it's a normal reaction to trying out something that even adults have problems with if the relationship doesn't last forever, never mind trying to deal with all the emotions one will feel at 13..."

A support group would be good if you can find a GOOD one; otherwise I'd imagine it could be a pretty scary thing to think about doing - talking about something so intimate with a group of strangers - but a counsellor is a good idea (again, if you find a good one). If she doesn't kind of 'come around' to being her 'old self' in a little while, I'd broach it with her again, telling her that you're glad she doesn't appear to take it lightly but she also needs to learn how to let go of the aftermath for her own sake and this would help her to put it into a perspective she would be better able to deal with. Tell her that unless she can get it into a perspective that helps HER then she could be at risk for a repeat experience before she's ready again OR it could even ahve the effect of turning her off the idea of sex altogether. But I wouldn't push either the support group or the counsellor yet. I believe firmly that a parent has the power to 'counsel' their teens when the parent is open and the child trusts them - we are, after all, in the best position to teach them that mistakes happen; wisdom comes from mistakes when we are willing to learn from them ... that there is nothing unforgiveable or irrevocable and that how she FEELS in response to things is NORMAL can go a very far distance in helping our teens to sort out how they feel and how they next choose to respond to what life throws their way.

Good luck and hugs to her, and to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
In reply to: 4042
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 1:51pm
That's wonderful news!

To answer your question regarding teens being withdrawn. . .

Yes, teens can be withdrawn and that's why when they do become that way, we need to pay very close attention. In your daughter's circumstance, I think it would be an excellent idea to have her find a support group or therapist to talk to. Most likely she may not have spilled the whole story for fear of ramifications. There may not be anything more that happened as she said, but you never know.

I would suggest calling your school counselor, physician or even the Social Services Department to see if they know of groups such as what you're looking for. Even the high school or college in your area would have access to such information.