Sex Talk
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| Sat, 03-03-2007 - 4:40pm |
My daughter is 14 and well versed when it comes to sex - we are pretty open ... she's been a voracious reader since age 4 so as she grew she read age appropriate books on all topics - including sex ed books ...
She has a new boyfriend at school and he's a year older though in the same grade...I've seen all their instant messages w/one another and I know he is a sweet boy who seems head over heels in love with my daughter... He has said some of the nicest things a boy could say to a girl and I know she cares about him though I don't know if she's as crazy as he appears to be...
Anyway -- they went out on their second date friday ... though they see each other daily at school and often spend an hour or two together after school too.... and based on an IM she had with another friend - it appears that they went to old school "third base" - which involves touching under clothes... In describing this to her friend she said she loved the whole thing so much she could have had sex with him right then and there... Her friend discourages this and tells her that they are only 14 and 15 and it's too soon for this and my daughter agrees....
My daughter doesn't know that i've seen this conversation, by the way - -
Now - I don't know how to proceed -- I know all the reasons why she shouldn't have sex - at least as far as pregnancy, STD's ... but I don't know what else to say to discourage her further ... She thinks she loves this boy and i know he's told her a thousand times that he loves her so the old - wait till you're in love strategy won't work here...
In my heart and soul I don't think she'd rush into this but you never really know ...
Any been there done that advice would be welcomed!
Rachel

*IF* this IM is true, third base is a lot further than you think.
((Edited to add: I initially failed to read that you are aware of this distinction))
You don't need to mention this IM anyway.
Sounds like you have good communication with her.
Tell her now that she has this new boyfriend, she needs a "plan" cemented in her head that confirms a commitment to herself to take care of herself both physically and emotionally. Before the panting starts, she needs to commit to herself (and possibly you given her age) the point where sexual activity goes no further.
Once she has determined that plan no longer fits, she needs to commit to coming to you for further protection.
Seems a bit fast for a second date, yet for this old curmudgeon, *everything* goes too fast these days..
Can her dad get involved with this?
I'd like to think the frank and graphic discussions I had with DD around that age made a bit of an impact.
Edited 3/3/2007 5:12 pm ET by daddioe
I told the boys to wait on sex until they were in a 'long term relationship' as opposed to in love. Might be splitting hairs but worth a try
Also, she is, plain and simple, 'too young' and, as she has already admitted that to the friend, she knows it at some level. You could simply approach it from the age standpoint and not address anything else
Realistically, if she has already gone 'that far', I think it's going to be hard to go backwards. And I guess that would be one of the arguments to bring up when discussing her age. Once you have had sex, you keep having sex, usually quicker and quicker within a relationship. Talk about how old whe would like to be when she is married and how many partners she would think she would have had at that point. Maybe you can use the gardacil discussion as a springboard?
Edited 3/3/2007 5:21 pm ET by windrush54
i appreciate your post and will definitely use your suggestions...
i've had a hard time discussing any of this with my husband, her father... he is the typical dad in that he can't imagine that this is happening or going to happen and therefore, chooses to stay in the dark.. When we drag him in -- he is unnecessarily strict - willing to lose the open lines of communication rather than handle the truth... something I am not willing to do ... I'd much rather know what's going on -- even if I don't agree with it.
rachel
I too have to wonder why she's dating so young, but that reminds me of a story about a cow being let out and a barn door being closed...too late now!
I agree with what everyone has said about having a discussion with her, and I would strongly suggest her dad be in on it, if possible. Like Pam said, she really needs to have a concrete plan in place to help her control herself should the occasion present itself. And you should also accept the fact that if they are moving this fast after only one date, it may be time for you to consider some BC options with her.
It seems to me that even though you are allowing her to date, things are moving too fast, they are spending entirely too much time together - 2 hours afterschool almost everyday?? You need to pull in the reigns a little, perhaps allow her to have a girly sleep over and spend some of her time divided between the bf and her girlfriends. Spending all her free time with bf is not healthy and it also does not set a very healthy precedent for her future relationships. Is she involved in any extra curricular activities? Hobbies?
Good luck and know there are many of us dealing with the same issues!