She thinks he's her real dad. Tell her?
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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 3:22pm |
I have a friend that has struggled with a certain question for quite a few years. Her daughter has grown up with a man that she thinks is her real father, but he is not. My friend has recently asked me for advice on whether or not she should divulge the shocking secret to her 16 year old daughter, Sam*. I advised her to wait until Sam was at least in college around 21-22, just to avoid any terrible retaliation anger or undue relationship problems with the man she believes to be her real father.
Here is her story:
Emma grew up in between homes of her divorced upperclass parents. Moving back and forth between a California suburb and a large town in Arizona. She was 18 years old at the time and enjoyed wild parties and drinking. She was immediately drawn to charming boy named Slade who was also 18 years old. They hung out several times, and ended up engaging in a sexual relationship. Not long after, Emma found herself pregnant and Slade desperately wanted her to get an abortion, but it was not something Emma could do. She told him that if he did not support her decision, she would do it on her own. She did not hear from him again until he called her mother's house to ask how she was doing. Her mother advised Slade that Emma was expecting a girl and Slade commented that he would call again, but the phone call never came. In the meantime, Emma met another man named Jack that she fell in love with and ended up marrying. He was there with Emma for the birth of Sam and has been accepting full responisibilty in every aspect of Sam's life - with the exception of his refusal to ever adopt her legally. Sam has no father listed on her birth certificate. Emma was married to this man for 12 years and 2 additional kids were brought into this union. Jack pays child support for all 3 children.
Emma is worried that there is going to come a day when Sam will see her birth certificate and wonder why Jack is not listed as her father. Does she deserve to know the truth or would the truth just hurt her too much? She is very concerned for Sam's feelings and how it will affect their very tight-knit mother daughter relationship. Emma is not even sure of Slade's last name, and if she does have the correct last name - how to even spell it or go about finding out about him or contacting him. She thought it might be best to try to find him first. She's unsure of the highschool he went to - other than the fact that it was in Arizona. It has obviously been 16 years ago, so the memories that were once vivid are quite faded.
Anyone have any similar experiences to this and what was the outcome? Tell her or leave it go? Thanks for your help!!
*Names have been altered.

jt
She needs to know the real story ASAP.
My wife is a school teacher. Several years ago she had a similar case where the father left when the child was an infant and was not in the picture at all while mom raised the boy. He was 13 when “dad” showed up back in the picture wanting to re-develop a relationship with Mom. Mom wanted to play it slow and cautiously “dated” dad.
Of course, neither one said anything about the parenthood, so the boy saw this new guy in Mom’s life as the “new boyfriend.”
He overheard a conversation which spilled the entire story which screwed him up to the point of him completely shutting down from school and sports for a long time.
She needs to hear this from you, complete with an accurate explanation before she gets it somewhere else probably with incorrect information. It’s not going to be pleasant, but when will it? Please don’t rationalize that she will take it better when she’s older. Think of the resentment that will add by keeping this from her for years.
At least in your case, she's had a dad. She will eventually see the bio part as less important.
When I use the term "real" - I used it in a light manner. I'm not trying to get into technicalities, only just looking for some advice I could offer her.
Emma's entire goal in locating Slade first is just to find out what he's like - if he's a loser, a success, what really happened to him in case Sam would want to know or desires to meet him. If Sam has no desire to meet her biological father or if she doesn't even ask questions, Emma will have no problem with that at all - that I am sure of. She is very supportive of her daughter's wishes in all aspects of her life.
There is no chance of her finding out through casual conversation in any circumstance, because it just plain isn't talked about. The only people that know are Jack and Emma's parents and myself. That is it.
I do not agree with the fact that the sooner the better. If there is going to be resentment - there will be resentment. Sam is very mature for her 16 years and an extremely intelligent girl at that, however, knowing her and her family I do think it's best that Emma wait until after high school when even more maturity elapses.
I think the general opinion though is that she should tell her......so thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
~manifestation
I apologize for bristling at the term "real". My dd is adopted, so that's where I'm coming from. While I know you MEANT it as lighthearted - understand that words will have a different "weight" with Sam when she is old about her bio dad. Choose your words carefully when discussing it with her. My dd is very comfortable talking about her adoption, but she does take umbarage to certain words and phrases. This summer we were at the cast party from a play she and dh were in. The teens were fooling around and bantering. One kid said to her something like, "well, you're like that because your mother probably didn't want you." Can't remember the context (I didn't hear the original remark). He didn't know she was adopted and he was mortified. She turned white and walked away from him. She also HATES the cutesy use of the word "adoption" (as in a sign in a local doll store "If you handle us too much, nobody will adopt us" Anyway, those are dd's triggers. Sam will have her own.
And PLEASE understand that she CAN find out on her own - as remote as that possiblity may be. I respectfully disagree about the timing. Sam sounds like a great kid. I'm sure, with the support of her parents, she'll be fine.
jt
I have to go with the general consensus here, she should be told as soon as the right words can be found. Holding out is just that. I have similar situations all around me. My DH found out when he was 18 that he had a brother. No one talked about him, since he was born before him and adopted at birth. That was MORE than shocking and my DH didn't talk to him mom, who he had a fantastic relationship up to that point, for over a year. He was royally pissed that he was never told, not that he would have done anything about it, but he felt this was information that he had a right to.
Similarly with my own kids, I have one that is fully aware of who is bio father is. Another that only knows that her dad that she knows and loves today married me when she was 2 and wasn't present at her birth.
I think it's whole heartedly unfair to withhold that kind of information from kids. Kids lose a great deal of respect for the parents who do that, feeling generally like they've been lied to. The sooner she is told, the better. And it would be the very best if mom and dad can come together and tell her gently together. Let her know that both are more than willing to help her look for her biological roots, but that Slade's whereabouts is sketchy at best. Perhaps all the waiting is so that Slade has more time to make that next phone call? The girl deserves to know the truth, with love and gentle care, and then to be allowed to explore how she feels about that.
But, that is just my opinion. In the end, only the mother and dad of this girl can make the final decision. Telling children the truth, especially something this big that involves revealing ones own transgressions, is very difficult.
Thanks for the insight you've offered, and the stories of your similar situations. I agree that it is probably best with both parents present. I have always thought that honesty is the most important thing, but the true question for me was - when?
I will forward this info on to Emma and a big thanks from her too!
~M