But she's too young to have sex....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
But she's too young to have sex....
9
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:02pm
Please help me get a grip before I talk to my daughter.

I always wanted to make sure I was the kind of mom my 14 yo daughter could tell anything to. Well, be careful what you ask for.

Here's what happened. I apologize for the graphic nature, but I will present it just as it was presented to me. This morning, on the way to school, she causually told me that her best friend called last night to tell her that her boyfriend had "fingered" her and wanted to know how she should give a "hand job". I took a deep breath and asked the question..."Why did she ask you? Have you done it?"

Of course you can guess the answer. She told me that she and her boyfriend had been doing that for a while, but "no oral". I guess I should be greatful for that. I can't talk about this with her dad. He lives in another state and it would be "my fault" no matter what I said.

I know that things are different now and kids are more sexually active than when I was young. Part of my panic has to do with some issues with my own early sexual experiences - so I'm trying to keep this in mind. My daughter is mature in many ways, but like all kids they only live for the moment. I have done my best to make sure that opportunities for this kind of thing are limited - someone always home, open doors, lights on, etc. They only see each other a couple of times a week - different schools.

I can't say the same for his mom, we've never discussed it (I know, bad move). Problem is, if I bring it up now, my daughter will know its a result of her conversation with me and I don't want her to stop talking about these kinds of issues. Also, what about her friend's confession. Her mom and stepdad are good friends of mine. Do I tell them?

Please let me know how you have addressed such issues. Please, no lectures about kids and dating or premarital sex. I need realistic approaches to this situation.

Thanks so much!

Avatar for yuccabugg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 9:31pm
I don't care if society today is dictating that it's ok to do that at 14.

They're too young and you're hearing this from an 18 year old. Physical things are too complicating and sheesh, they're freakin' kids.

People do this all for different reasons but I worry she won't learn to say no. She probably did this all out of curiousity, but still...save something for later!

It is a testament to you, however, that she was so open with you! That's good. I have nothing to say except that I think it's best to wait, looking back at what I've been through. Future relationships may move even faster physically, and I think that's insane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:43pm
Well - you don't want to disuss dating or premarital sex. Yet you want to know what to do about your child having sex (and 'hand jobs'/'blow jobs'/etc. are sex). So what advice do you want? As your title suggests - yes 14yo's are too young to have sex. They are too young to be hanging out one-on-one unsupervised because they are a bundle of hormones and don't have a lot of common sense. But you don't want to hear that and you are afraid your dd might be mad at you if you actually set some limits (ie she can 'go out' as long as the romances are limited to talking at school and going out with large groups of kids to public places, etc). So since you don't want any advice on dating or premarital sex then go on and let your dd do exactly what she's doing. It won't be long til one thing leads to another and she will be having 'real' sex.

Pam



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:27pm
That's not what I meant! I was hoping to get some advice from parents who had been in my position and not a lecture. I feel crappy about this as it is without someone I don't know passing judgement on me or my child.

If you re-read my message, I have set limits and this still has happened. I know she's too young and I think so does she, otherwise she probably wouldn't have told me.

What I was asking for was how to deal with the boyfriend's mother and the parents of the friend who also is taking part in this risky behavior.

I was hoping this would be a safe place to ask such questions. Maybe I was wrong.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 2:16am
I think you need to talk to the bf's mom about supervision at her house and see if she is letting these kids go off alone. Hopefully you can convince her to supervise in a discreet way. But if your dd figures out that you talked to the other mom, so be it. There's nothing wrong with telling our kids that certain behaviors or activities are unacceptable or innappropriate at a certain time or age. And if they persist with unacceptable behavior we limit their activities. They get mad at us and then they get over it, just like we do. They realize (even if they don't admit it) that we care about them and want them to be safe. I think it is a reasonable assumption that oral sex is the next step in this progression, and you are right, 14 IS too young! It is very easy for young teens to quickly "get in over their heads" and not know how to handle a situation. I tried to keep my kids out of potentially dangerous situations until I felt they could handle them.

Keep talking to your dd about sex, being pressured, how to say no, etc. And that early sex has emotional risks too, not just physical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 10:14am
First off - this is a safe place to ask such questions. I'm sorry you might feel otherwise. This is a topic that sets off most parents - you aren't alone. And parents who have not gone thru that often think it's to do with parenting skills more than not and really, it has at least as much to do with your child's personality. Not EVERYTHING that goes wrong with a teen has to do with parenting abilities.

I would talk to the bf's mom. Like elc said, our teens will get mad at us and then get over it. I highly doubt that your dd felt it was going to be 'ok' with you as you do have limits in YOUR house so telling you doesn't mean she expected you to give a thumbs up to it. She might be telling you to evoke a response or to push her limits or even so you'll know IF she's feeling a little uncomfortable with having gone even as far as she has and wants limits where there may be none. But she won't be thinking you think it's fine.

Just call the bf's mom and tell her that you think it's important that you are both on the 'same page' as they are getting closer and you've learned that some physical activity has happened. If she wants to know, she'll ask. If she doesn't ask, you can safely assume a couple things: one, no matter what she says, it won't be carried through (i.e. giving the same supervision you do) and two, she really doesn't want to know and will not deal with anything either.

Talking to your dd is far and away the more important issue. You don't have to talk to her in a condemning, judgemental way. You can speak with concern because you love her and you don't want her to find herself in a situation she cannot handle and is not yet ready to handle. Start off by telling her you've given some thought to what she said enroute to school the other day and that you think it's important that you talk. My now nearly 19 yo dd spent nearly her entire teen years bemoaning my endless talks with her but now says it was a good thing - and trust me, she DESPISED those talks over and over again. We had SO many talks whenever something came up or I felt something was going to come up and yes, she was mad at me MANY times but we are close; she trusts me; I trust her to tell me the truth and to use good judgement more than not and she, as I said, now thinks that was important to do. She has had a longterm bf and has been intimate. I was totally upset when I first found out and had not a clue what to do. I couldn't talk to her father either because he just does not deal with anything or is part of "parenting" them (I am also a single parent). The responsibility one feels as a single parent is likely a huge part of what you're dealing with. The activity you've described is not uncommon at that age and yes, they are too young to handle a lot of the emotional fallout that can happen; talking to her about what sex is designed to be: a way to strengthen the bond between a man and a woman, the most intimate act that there is and when done in a marriage-type committment with maturity and love, creates that bond ... outside of that, it can lead to insecurities, fears, jealousies, possessiveness, someone feeling they have to do whatever they can to hold onto the guy and all those emotions have nothing to do with love OR sex and that you want what is best for her.

As for the friend, I would first talk to your dd and try to get a better sense of that before you decide on that course of action. Right now *your* priority is YOUR dd - not someone else's daughter. So don't feel responsible about her just yet. Take this one step at a time.

There's so much more I could write about this but will start with this :-) Good luck & hugs to you.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 12:02pm
About the friend and whether you should tell her parents: IMO you should tread very carefully there. First off, you have the info as "hearsay" only--you did not hear the girl say she had done anything. As the mother of a daughter, sure we would want to know, but can you imagine getting that phone call? Plus there is a good chance that the friend would find out that you told her parents, which could cause friction for your dd; or your dd could be seen as the "bad influence". etc. I said in an earlier post that if your dd gets mad, so be it--but my first line is to try to protect my source of info, whether it is a personal confession or snooping in a diary. I would probably not say anything to the other parents, especially now while you have these issues to deal with at home first.

I have to wonder if the story about the friend was just a conversation starter so your dd could bring up the subject. Realistically, the friend's bf could teach her what to do, so maybe the convo never really happened--in which case you wouldn't want to be telling other parents anything!

Sorry if we seemed to jump all over you--sex in young teens is a scary issue, and the more we fear something the more we get upset over it. And it is true that these things have so much to do with the teen's personality, as any parents who has raised kids with different personalities will attest. My ds19 pretty much followed the rules whereas my dd17 seems to live to break the rules, and not from us raising them differently.

Kkiana made a good point about whether the mother of your dd's bf would supervise--you may have to limit the bf/gf visits to your house if you don't get a really strong sense that the bf's mom agrees with you on limits and will watch like a hawk. I've had several experiences where parents who say they are supervising either are not, or their idea of supervision/acceptable behavior is very different than mine.

A belated "welcome" to the board--we're glad that you joined us! None of us are experts, we're all just parents trying to get through these years withouit tearing out our hair! Good luck, and let us know how you are dealing with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 3:48am
I can imagine how hard a topic this must be for a mother, so I would like to give you congratulations for asking your daughter about it the first place.

I guess I will give you my thoughts, since I don't have any experience with being a parent.

My boyfriend and I have decided not to have sex yet for the simple reason that neither of us are ready to be parents, no matter how much we love each other. Although we're not TECHNICALLY sexually active, we do pretty much everything but. I think that if your daughter is (and there's really no sophisticated or pleasant way to say this) giving her boyfriend hand jobs, or even oral sex, that shows a lot of maturity and restraint on her part. I feel completely comfortable about the idea having sex with Aaron, but at first it felt a little weird to do other physical things, (yes, hand jobs) even though I'm still not sure why. It might be because it was my first really physical relationship; but it wouldn't have been physical without the love behind it. As I'm sure anyone who has been in love knows, sex is the ultimate expression of love, and that's what it's intended for, but oral/hand sex are just ways of pleasing each other. So even though I love Aaron, I would rather have sex than what we do to *ahem* get by, but since we know that the consequences of sex would be much more than the benefits, we still want to physically please each other, and this is the best way how.

I think you should talk to your daughter about this more, make sure she understands her reasons behind her actions. If she's just doing it to get him off because he wants her to, then you should gently prod her to examine her choices more carefully. Try to relate to her, ask her about her feelings. Ask her if SHE thinks she's in love, and what her definition of love is. I know that talking with my mom always makes me feel better, and even if I sometimes rebel against it, I'm secretly thankful.

I hope this was of help, I'm not sure if I made sense, and it's pretty late. I'm off to bed for now, but please let me know if this gave you any help at all. :)

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 6:42am
Hi. I am also a mother of a 14 year old daughter and think its great that your daughter opened up to you and talked about this subject. My dd has not talked openly about sex with me yet. (I talk, she listens about sex ... and comments "Mother, I'm not stupid!")

My only advice is to keep your eyes and ears open. Don't give her the chance to make a mistake again (sex) and I would tell my bestfriend about the info you heard but don't tell her it was about her daughter, just throw the subject out there so maybe BF will open her eyes.

Ain't life grand being a mother to a 14 year old girl ? LOL

Best Wishes,

Cyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 2:57pm
Hi, sorry you're going thru this.

My 14 yo dd has a b/f, and I've talked to her about sex. I've told her that I feel she's far too young and immature for sex, and she's agreed. (Yes, I know, what she says and what she really believes/does might well be two different things.)

The two things that I have stressed is that when she *does* start having sex, she must use condoms AND birth control. I've gone so far as to tell her that she could visit our family dr. without my knowledge. No, I don't want her to have sex. But I want her to get an STD, get pregnant, or AIDS even less.

Of all the things teens can get involved with - drugs, alcohol, criminal activities - to me, sex is the less of the evils. It's a fact of life. My 16 yo is on depo provera. I take her for the shot and pay for it. Am I happy she's having sex? Of course not, but I'm realistic. I work 3 dys per wk and can't always be home, nor can I tie her to the house. I can make it difficult, and I do, but where there's a will, there's a way. I've told her this in no way means I condone her being sexually active.

My first sexual experience was young - I was 15. I won't share that information with my dd's (I also have a 16 yo), but I do tell them that I didn't have sex until I was in a loving long-term relationship. As well, I only had 1 other partner before their father, so starting young does NOT mean promiscuity later. In fact, I used to "poll" friends and it seemed that the later a girl started, the more partners she had before she married!

I hope I've helped just a little bit.

Kathy

dd 16 yo

dd 14 yo

ds 13 months